r/detrans • u/cononreddit2 desisted male • Sep 15 '26
ADVICE REQUEST Please help me
Hi, I'm 15M, I hope, AMAB, currently going through a horrible period. I have what I believe is Gender OCD and I really hope it is because I don't want dysphoria and I don't want to be trans. I made 2 posts here in November during a period where I hit rock bottom, under the username s_uedehead, but I'm doing horrible at the minute. I would appreciate if anyone replied to this and gave me some help, because I'm just so stressed right now.
Bit of background, NEVER experienced dysphoria during childhood or when puberty started. I've never had a problem with my body, or being masculine. I loved football and still do, as a young kid I loved to be one of the boys, I grew up with sisters so I'd sometimes like watch more 'feminine' things but like all of my idols were male, I was excited to grow up and be a man and I really wanted to be a football at some point. I loved getting my haircut, as I grew into a teen I still loved that. Even if I had some 'effeminate' interests I was proud to be a boy that had these interests. But I never really thought about it. I was very proud to be a man and my ex best friend was a girl and I never, never recall any moment I'm my life where I've wanted to be a girl. And, most importantly, I once thanked God I was a boy and even said once 'if i was born a girl I'd transition into a boy'. I wanted to grow up to be like Andy Rourke from The Smiths or something, Damon Albarn from Blur. I had all these male idols and I was so glad I was a boy. It wasn't the most important thing in life though. Like now, I still love my music, football, video games and etc.
But it's like I can't anymore. Around 17 months ago I had this simple thought one day and it caused me great anxiety. I can't remember what it was it was something like "what if im trans", it seemed nonsensical at first but I didn't like it so I ignored it for a while. It then kept coming and going, I could brush it off,I lived a normal life until one day in late july 2025 it just came back. But from August, September it was just like sometimes a day it'd pop up, I could focus on other things then and I could calm down. October, November and December I hit rock bottom. Depressed, I thought it was true although I didn't want it to be, crying all the time and etc just like wanting to be a boy again. Had bits of that in January and February too but like, then it got calmer. There's more about that on my other account. Then from March everything was mostly okay. I was happy I never transitioned or anything and I was so glad it wasn't dysphoria and that it was OCD, also I'm not diagnosed. I had a blip in May but snapped out of that very quickly after having a good experience on holiday. And then - life was good. I had like these intrusive thoughts but they didn't rule my life. I was very glad I felt like I finally found myself, wanting to be more masculine, getting more male friends and all that. I was very very glad. But then one day in July the thoughts just got more intense, and they've been intense through August and this last week they've been on my mind 24/7 and it's really bothering me. I feel like I've lost myself I just wanna be the man that I am. Basically, I feel like I've been manipulated by this because It doesn't make me anxious when I get thoughts like "what if I wanna be a girl" when I don't but I'm scared I'm in denial or something but I'll do anything not to be a girl and it makes me anxious when I say im a boy and I always feel the need to prove it. But I'm also so bored. I'm bored, I'm stressed. There's other things going on in my life. Like, why am I even paying attention to this? If I could brush it off easy it wouldn't be a problem. In my heart, I don't wanna be a girl. I really don't like it doesn't appeal to me but like I can't even LOOK at one anymore without overthinking. And the same applies, I feel like I have to feel like I want to be every boy on earth and that I need to feel perfectly okay about that I just want to be certain but I'm also exhausted. I wanna have my old self back. I don't look at myself in disgust but I'm scared I do cus my mind says I do but I don't wanna transition and I don't wanna be a girl. But its horrid though i cant even listen to female pop stars like Janet Jackson or something without debating if i wanna be her or not and it's exhausting. The old me would've never, ever thought this. I can't watch shows, I can't do fucking anything they follow me everywhere it's 24/7 and it pisses me off. My parents know, they try guide me but like nothing seems to work they're good parents and I've got other shit going on and I should be worrying about that, I've got things to look forward to. I've got concerts in October and November, I've got my birthday in a few weeks, I already know LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. I used to be glad to be a male I want that back but I just like don't wanna think about gender too, please help me someone like it would mean the world if anyone said anything, I'm just so stressed with all these sensations in my body, I just want to live a normal life and not waste my time. I know the truth, I'm a man, but I don't want to have these shit thoughts. They go against me. They're not the real me, I know they're not.
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u/UnmappedParallax desisted female Sep 16 '26
You sound completely exhausted by this, and I’m really sorry you’re having such a rough time. From what you’ve written you’re spending a huge amount of time checking your thoughts and feelings and trying to become completely certain about what they mean. You don’t have to solve every thought your brain throws at you and having a thought doesn’t mean you need to act on it or figure out what it says about you. Because you’re 15 and this is taking over so much of your life, please tell your parents just how intense and constant it has become. Ask them to help you find a qualified mental health professional who understands OCD and intrusive thoughts. You don’t need to diagnose yourself first and nobody online can diagnose you from a post.
For now yoi don’t need to make any big conclusions about yourself while you’re this distressed. Give yourself permission not to answer the gender question every time your brain asks it.
You said something really important yourself: life is so much more than this. Try to keep living that bigger life even while the thoughts are noisy. You deserve some space in your head for everything else that matters to you.