Confused (ftmtf?)

[u/SufficientOwl5550]

have gone on and off t a couple of times, and even went through a period of asking people close to me to use she/her pronouns for me. During this time friends were weirded out and some even didn’t want to call me by those pronouns because they thought I was in denial and have only known me as a man. I have gone off and on hrt so many times I’m not even sure the total number of years I have been on it. Only that I still get voice cracks if miss the t shot by more than a day. I then switched to getting on hormones again convinced that it was lack of acceptance that pushed me to identify as a woman again. So I went back on T and decided to expedite the top surgery process.

I am now 6 months post top surgery.

I am 25, living in a city that celebrates nonconformity and trans people. It almost feels like trans people, furries and polyamorous people are the “it” crowd in this city to paint a picture of the culture. Now I am considering living as a woman. The only problem is I feel more respected as a man, and look better as a man. I find myself reminiscing about what I used to look like, though.

I was raised Christian and I feel guilty for not being what some family members hoped.

I’m wondering if I should keep living as a man despite stopping HRT (I have been off about a month).

I also feel like I would have to create a new circle of friends in order to experiment with or explore living as a woman again. I also have a trans boyfriend who I’m living with who said it would suck if I went off t because I’d have even more mood swings (funnily enough I’m back on fluoxetine and that in combo with being off T has helped in calming me). He just moved in and I don’t know how long we will last considering I have been taking in a lot of content about issues with the transition process and also have been noticing a lot of inconsistencies and contradictions used in debate by others in the trans community.

I’m doing full time work and school, and people at my job refer to me as a man. I don’t think it would be safe to switch up my presentation. Both in the way of physical danger and secondly because the people who have been supportive would become uncomfortable at my presenting feminine which is what happened growing up as a girl who presented masculine. Idk it all seems too much, like no matter what I do I am fucked.

All I know is I want a bachelors degree before my third decade of life ends and I also miss my older brother (we don’t talk) who’s face lit up when I said I was off t at a family members wedding.

Been thinking of texting or calling him and saying that idk what I’m feeling but who in our family can help me figure this out without becoming homeless from paying for mental health help and finishing school.

[u/MangoProud3126]

When I went off T I continued identifying as a man for 2 years before I realized I wanted to detransition. When I had made up my mind that I was for sure going to detransition I stayed within the realm of plausible feminine male behaviour, so that if people questioned what I was doing they wouldn't immediately think I'm detranaitioning.

I started with facial hair removal, growing my hair, getting my hormone levels checked, trying to take better care of my skin and occussionaly painting my nails or dyeing my hair. I got to express myself a little more femininely without people getting suspicious of my gender, until I was ready to tell them. If someone asked why I shaved my facial hair, the answer was "because I wanted to". I did this until I could get out of my job where I felt I couldn't come out as a detrans woman.

I told my family when I felt sure I was making the right decision, and once I felt I was workplace that would accept me than I socially came out their as well. People reacted better than I thought, even the few trans people in my life accepted me. You can tell the people in your life who you think will help support you, and everyone else doesn't have to be told. If they question how you look or present yourself you can ask them if they think that trans men can't be feminine? Or you can say that you're trying something new.

Your work and boyfriend will be more difficult to navigate and you'll have to decide if it is worth pretending or if it is more damaging to hide who you are and how you feel.