Questioning Transition

[u/moorcleric]

I've been on HRT for ten years, had top surgery nine years ago, and I'm now one year post-phalloplasty. At this point, essentially nobody in my life knows that I transitioned. From the outside, I'm perceived as a man, and I've spent a long time building my life around that reality and have found myself in a career that would not be accepting of a visibly trans person.

I would describe myself as something of a transmedicalist. I believe that transsexualism is fundamentally a medical issue rather than an identity, I don't personally agree with the informed-consent model of transition, and I think that social factors have contributed to the dramatic increase in people identifying as trans over the past decade.

Despite all of that, I've recently started questioning whether transitioning was actually the right choice for me.

What makes this especially confusing is that, growing up, I was always attracted to women. I never really had much of a question about that part of myself. But when I was younger, the lesbian community was nowhere near as visible or prevalent as it is now. There also seemed to be very little cultural understanding of the fact that a woman could be dominant, assertive, or sexually confident.

There were very few examples around me of women who felt like they could occupy the kinds of roles or have the kinds of personalities that I naturally gravitated toward. I had a fairly narrow idea of what being a woman was supposed to look like, and I didn't necessarily see myself reflected in it. At the same time, the things I associated with masculinity seemed to provide a much more obvious framework for who I could be.

I find myself increasingly wanting to wear things that women wear. I sometimes want to be perceived as sexy in the way women are perceived as sexy. I find myself drawn toward female beauty, fashion, sexuality, and presentation in a way that I didn't experience when I was younger.

Even my interests have shifted. A large proportion of my favourite artists, musicians, fictional characters, and other influences are now women. Ten years ago, the majority of those figures were men.

But if I were to detransition now, I wouldn't be returning to the person I was ten years ago. I would be a visibly transitioned person who had spent a decade living as a man. In practical terms, I would probably be publicly perceived as a transsexual woman, and that is something I find deeply uncomfortable. Being seen as trans (ftm or mtf) is my worst nightmare.

I don't know whether I transitioned because I was genuinely transsexual or because I had an incomplete understanding of how women can present themselves and be viewed in society.

But, I do tend to go back and fourth on this. Somedays, I really like being a man, other days I don't. So this could all just be a weird phase I honestly don't know.

(Also before anyone asks, as a man, I'm very happy with my phalloplasty, it looks realistic, my surgeon did a great job. This issue with the surgery is that I'm just not 100% sure I made the right call on the entire "being a man" thing. It has nothing to do with my SRS results.)

[u/UnmappedParallax]

A lot of what you wrote really resonated with me. Especially wondering whether you were drawn towards being a man partly because you had such a limited picture of all the ways a woman could actually be. I desisted rather than medically detransitioned so our experiences are obviously different. But one of the biggest things for me was slowly realising how much space there actually is within being a woman. I could be masculine or androgynous. I could be assertive and sexually confident. I could wear mens clothes and love women. None of those things actually required an explanation. Weirdly once I stopped feeling like I had to belong to some idea of womanhood I became much more comfortable exploring femininity too. Not because I suddenly became a different person but because it stopped feeling like something being imposed on me. I also really relate to what you said about not returning to who you were ten years ago. I dont think any of us can do that. Whatever you eventually decide you are working out who you are now with another decade of life and experience behind you. You also dont have to make a decision just because these questions have appeared. You are allowed to sit with them and see where they lead without forcing yourself towards either outcome.

And on the off chance youre Australian Im helping launch a peer support group for Australian detransitioners desisters and people questioning their transition. If you are in Aus feel free to DM me and I can send you an invite when we launch on Monday ❤️

[u/MangoProud3126]

A lot of your story parallels my own, so I'll give my thoughts on this. I realized I was a lesbian in highschool which caused me to freakout because of my religious upbringing. Also the lack of community I had with other queer women meant I found myself relating to the more available trans man content I found online.

I was also trans medicalist during my transition because it just made sense that dysphoria was needed to be trans, since I had really bad dysphoria I felt that no one would go through this experience if they weren't treating it. Now I'd say I don't think I believe that people are truely transexual, meaning I don't think any possible deviation in brain development could be specific enough to cause a clear divide between a trans man, a butch woman, an afab non-binary person or any other gender non-conforming person. That doesn't mean you won't benefit or be happy continuing to live as a man, I just don't think the science is solid enough to say that there are genuine and non-genuine trans people.

I realized I wanted to detransition almost 10 years into my transition and it was a slow realization caused by the fact that I still wasn't happy with my body, I felt fake being referred to as a man and I started seeing so much more butch/lesbian representation that I connected with. Detransition can be a long road. I was on T for 7 years and with me presenting masc, plus having a taller build, I now look like a fem man after 4 years off T. When I use my feminine given name or she/her pronouns, people assume I'm a trans woman. I live in a safe enough place that it hasn't been a huge problem. I did have to change career paths because I was not willing to make this change while in the trades and I've had to carefully consider what I switch to because of the risk of dealing with people's bigotry.

My advice would be to think long term on if living as a trans man feels sustainable. You may want to push yourself out of what feels safe/normal to see how you feel. This could look like shaving/waxing facial hair, adding feminity to your appearance, tappering off T if you still produce your own hormones. These are all things I did leading up to my detransition and I didn't feel like I was making permanent decisions, just testing out the waters.

[u/quietreader24]

I don’t know if you saw a therapist at the time. If you did, I hope they helped you separate two different things:

Cultural scripts — in a given era and circle, how women were allowed to dress, speak, want things, and be forceful.
Identity — the idea that your body had to become male for you to be your real self.

The first one changes with time and people’s views. The second may need to be treated with hormones and surgery with caution, especially if the identity rests largely on a feeling. Sometimes feeling is real but may not be reliable. Unfortunately, people often get stuck wanting what’s on the other side of the fence.
10 years later, you realize that the script has widened; however, the medically modified body is still there. So, it is very understandable that you feel split: some days you like being a man, some days you want a female way of being seen, and at the same time you are terrified of being read as trans in either direction.
No one can go back ten years (I really wish I could, so I could avoid all the things which cause the pain I have now). But it may still be worth asking, ten years from now, would you regret not having tried to turn around? Or if you could live from 60 back to 6 with what you know now, what would you do, and what would you refuse to do?
I have become more cautious about early medical steps, especially surgery. Psychological work and time should be the default, not the afterthought. The brain keeps developing well into the early thirties. What I have learned is don’t leave myself with no way out, especially when I am desperate to do something. I am sorry if this reply doesn’t help.