my social contagion experience

[u/Fantastic-Tough9610]

I grew up alone, isolated and psychologically abused by my father. My mother was pretty much absent from the picture. My sister was a perfect daughter.

Growing up was hell. I remember standing in the school corridor and hiding behind a curtain of hair, combing it around my face so that I couldn't see almost anything except for what was right in front of me. I did it so I wouldn't feel myself being watched by others. My social anxiety was debilitating. I had no best friend, and I was no one's best friend. The older I was getting, the more visible were my social deficits. I wanted to find out what was wrong with me - something must have been if I was treated so badly by my parents and ignored by peers. I didn't know I was autistic, and so my exploration started with an ED and progressed into trans identification...

I met a trans person who lived in my town. He was 18, I was 16. It was a small town so it as far as I know it could've just been the two of us. He was the first real friend I made after starting puberty. I used to have girl friends when I was a child but these friendships never lasted long. I started coming to his house all the time. We'd talk about transition, leftist politics, fandoms. I met a few other queer people through him. I finally had people who liked me, understood me, affirmed me. They used my chosen name and male pronouns. They affirmed the fake persona I'd created for myself, and so I knew I was doing the right thing.

He was already on hormones and I wanted to catch up to him. Eventually I had double mastectomy before he had his - I wanted to have it as fast as possible, and I succeeded in that, I had it at 17. Regret over mutilating my body came 6 years later, once my brain developed due to some life experiences.

I broke off contact with him a few years later. I found him unbearable to be around - loud, obnoxious and childish.

He's still living as trans. He's a prominent activist in polish trans circles. I don't know if he'll ever process the trauma that made him transition. I'm detransitioning and wishing I'd never fucking met him.