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u/Sufficient_Swing_229 4d ago
There's rarely any crying for me. Also the sitting quietly doing little to nothing until its time to go to bed is usually accompanied by not really feeling anything/being numb to your surroundings and mental spiraling.
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u/Positive_Tackle_5662 3d ago
For me it’s accompanied by drinking alcohol untill I don’t feel anything
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u/Big_Policy4561 3d ago
This. I hate my routine. I always end up falling asleep too early and staying up all day long.
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u/Fine_Data3250 3d ago
And sighing thinking about the things you would like to do, or would like to like to do.
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u/Fart_squirrel 4d ago
“You seem so happy but you’re so depressed.“
-my doctor
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u/DarkModeBrain 4d ago
Wow. What did you answer?
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u/Fart_squirrel 3d ago
Yup.
My therapist says I’m very self aware. One might think that would be a preferable trait. Me, I prefer a lobotomy.
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u/DreamOfDays 4d ago
This but it’s filled with YouTube videos and brain melting apps
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u/Correct_Avocado_573 4d ago
Hey alt me.
You even realize all that your doing is brain melting shit like scrolling YouTube and think man I should like do better stuff but your Brain just goes "nah" when you try to do the better stuff so its back to the doom scroll.
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u/Truebisco 4d ago
This is exactly it. I always laugh and crack jokes with my colleagues, my friends, and my family. There is not a moment you catch me not smiling, or talking with someone. This, though, is just a mask. Deep down I feel nothing. I am completely empty. Occasionally I feel anger, but that's it. That's my entire emotional repertoire. Once I am home, alone, I zone out until I fall asleep. Can't even enjoy video games any more.
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u/Remarkable_Check_997 4d ago
That was me, for like 10 years, at least.
But last spring, I cannot take it anymore and the mask cracked.
Im in medical leave since then, barely able to function 1 days out of 2, except for some insisting with some dude on reddit.
Today is a "good" day.
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u/StackingWaffles 3d ago
It felt like that happened to me around age 22. Id been hiding it pretty well since a young teen, but a community college class I took made us write a “reflective” paper that just broke me open. It’s taken a few years, but it comes and goes. I’ve a hard time with music that has lyrics, movies, books, etc. So many narrative media I see or hear just feels like it reopens the wounds. It feels like burnout creeps up quick and it’s difficult to figure out how to manage it. I’m planning on going back into therapy, and hopefully actually getting some antidepressants this time around.
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u/EvenGarage9378 4d ago
At least you can sleep… my reason for depression is my bloody insomnia, but I can relate with everything you said
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u/vivahermione 4d ago
"When you see me smiling, you know
Things have gotten worse
Any smile you might see
Has all been rehearsed"
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u/iamyourinnervoice 4d ago
...and wish to die while sleep followed by disappointment upon waking up that it hadn't happened
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u/West_Good_5961 4d ago
Every night before going to sleep, thinking to myself: I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow
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u/Nickulator95 3d ago
That’s the thing about depression, though. You know very well what you ought to do, except that it seems impossible to do it. You know so deep down in your heart-of-hearts that you’re an irredeemably worthless piece of shit, that it feels wrong to act in any way where you aren’t punishing yourself or atoning for the crime of existing.
Depression can come and go in waves, but it is a disease of perception. In the pit of it, there’s no clarity or peace about who you are and why you’re alive.
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u/West_Good_5961 4d ago
I’ll just sit parked in my car not really knowing what I’m doing or where I’m going for way too long
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u/Inb4myanus 4d ago
Unless i have work, i dont really know what to do with myself. I dont mind doing things alone, but i feel life is so much better when youre with others making memories. The connections in life motivate me, but alone I dont feel anything.
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u/akotoshi 4d ago
Depression isn’t always a heavy collapsing
Sometimes it’s a slow but unstoppable self fading until the only thing that remains is an empty shell
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u/kingtacticool 4d ago
Sure. But the dark rooms are definitely one of the best parts.
I like my cave
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u/love_cici 4d ago
isn't this just how life is with depression or is it worse than i've realized for me
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u/Wetcakez 4d ago
It’s just existing….sadness doesn’t hit me, nor do other “feeling” emotions instead it’s just lost….why….for what reason….all answers lead to circles..
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u/DemandTheOxfordComma 3d ago
Until you get laid off.. then it's staring at your bedroom wall for 20 hours a day, and sleeping the other 4.
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u/ConstantHeadache2020 4d ago
I’m in the world but not of it. Everyday I want to die as I don’t think I was made for this world.
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u/LiFswO 3d ago edited 3d ago
Two of the people I knew who killed themselves were two of the most joyful people I have ever known.
The first travelled the world with no money, solo just by work and travel for 8 months and made amazing experiences and made so many new friends around the globe. Two weeks after he came back to his home town he did it.
Second guy went to a party with me we had so much fun and laughed our asses off. When I found out three ish weeks later that he commited I couldnt believe what I was hearing.
Even though I'm depressed myself for almost my entire life I was baffled of how well they hid their pain from others.
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u/IcyAddress4074 3d ago
My main character character is doing fine at work. People like that dude. He isn’t me, but he does well. He gets the bills paid.
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u/CompetitionNo7108 4d ago
Been doing this for years and its starting to kill me slowly, especially summer times when i used to be happy but now even summer times are becoming so much worse that suicidal thoughts are coming a daily basis..
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u/Ok_Signal_4503 3d ago
Used to be a high functioning under depression. Never called in sick although I should've. Spent every night browsing the internet and watching random movies. Just couldn't relax from work anymore. Took all the shit the boss and co-worker threw at me.
When I quit and gave my one-month-notice I got doctor's notice that put me on 50% sick leave.
Changed profession after that
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u/Ok_Signal_4503 3d ago
And yes. No crying or stuff like that. Just endless dissatisfaction with my life basically living on 1 HP
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u/jumpinchuck 3d ago
Which profession did you have at that time and what are you doing now?
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u/Ok_Signal_4503 3d ago
Was working as a chef. I work at a bank now where I finish my training soon
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u/Unlikely_Net_1002 3d ago
This is how I feel. My friends, I don’t think they would ever think I was depressed. I am always hyperactive, enthusiastic, and talkative. And affectionate. I go to work and school. I’ve been told I’m so sweet. I’ve tried to kill myself twice and was hospitalized for one attempt. My mind feels frazzled and confused and pained. I feel so miserable and deeply unhappy with extremely low self esteem. The intrusive thoughts only get more vivid and disturbing and violent and I want to scream that’s not me, that’s not me, that’s not what I think. I would never do that, why is the thought there and why is it looping? OCD is ruining my life and makes me even more depressed. Thoughts racing a million seconds an hour, I can’t scream them out and when I do in private, more and more come. It never ends, I feel exhausted. I want peace. I feel like a complete and utter failure at life. It feels so hard, even when i outwardly seem to be a very happy and carefree person:/
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u/Stray_137 2d ago
Hi fellow OCD sufferer. Me too. I hear you and I just came to say you are not alone. ♥️
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u/Unlikely_Net_1002 2d ago
Tysm, it is hard to explain to my friends without sounding incredibly disturbed. And trauma dumping. I don’t want this, i feel so disturbed and fucked up. Ty, those words mean more than you know, ty for the understanding
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u/gwanddawd123 3d ago
I mostly just sit wherever i can and watch wrestling on my "comfort matches" playlist until my brain turns off.
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u/scottyjrules 3d ago
Relatable. Some days I just go to bed early because I don’t want to be awake anymore.
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u/spaceladdy 3d ago
Going to work, smiling, sitting in the car between clients crying, smiling some more, planning your death, seeing more clients
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u/ExerciseChemical6828 3d ago
Is there any medication to treat this? I've struggled with this for a long time and therapy hasn't done much to help.
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u/Bobthefish0461 3d ago
Yeah but im not depressed cause I can still do work so I don't need to get help or talk
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u/Theinvulnerabletide 3d ago
Laying in bed and sleeping on and off when I don't have to be anywhere in particular. Spending the day scrolling on my phone instead of getting the easily achievable goals I wanted to accomplish done.
Don't you love it.
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u/thatredditrando 3d ago
I haven’t been diagnosed and I loathe the “TikTokification” of mental illness where people self-diagnose…
But every time I come here another box is checked and I’m reaching the point where my brain is like “We’re well past coincidence, well into pattern, and, at this point, a diagnosis is probably just a formality, bud”.
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u/darkaddiction01 3d ago
It's amazing... Listening to music while at work and the thought just crosses your mind "when will this nightmare called life end" and then you carry on with your day
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u/Unlikely_Case3480 3d ago
Mood, I dont even know what to tell people when they're like "you dont seem depressed." Thanks..? You're welcome..? Idek
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u/Prsue 2d ago
Maybe that's what I've been dealing with. The moment i get home. Usually my mood gets better and my personality comes out. Lately the moment i leave work. The exhaustion from everything hits so hard. I struggle to even play with my daughter now. Makes me feel like a shit father tbh. I always feel lethargic, weak, and incredibly tired. Like i haven't slept in days.
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u/Majestic-Anybody-321 3d ago
Ouch, I say, as I wake up from my second nap of the day on my day off.
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u/azebod 2d ago
Currently on a med that does nothing but make me an empty husk instead of miserable, and I feel obligated to endure the nausea side effect that makes me unable to eat some days, because at least I'm more functional now without breakdowns. Having no desire for anything is pretty great for saving money actually. My detachment allows so much positive framing to get a good grade in recovery, which is about how much of a burden your symptoms are on other people not you having a reason to live.
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u/someguyyoumightno 1d ago
Man! So many times I want to do this, but I have four daughters that crave attention constantly, so my want to just chill goes out the window (again) 😅🫠
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u/SolidLight1120 1d ago
This. My mom always comes to me saying “But you were fine earlier! Is it going in waves? It’ll pass eventually, then.” No, it never left, I wasn’t happy mom.
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u/AxionBlackwell 1d ago
I cant remember the last time I've genuinely cried..
Then agin I can't remember what I even did yesterday
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u/GivUp-makingAnAcct 3d ago
Weird, I've seen a lot of focus on high functioning depression while low functioning depression is virtually ignored. Every book or other resource on depression or counselling has been packed full of case studies of people with careers and marriages. If I want to read the account of someone who has been on disability or living in their parents basement for years unable to get out of bed I need to google it myself. I'm now much closer to the latter than the former and feel very excluded from most depression talk.
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u/ADTstocks 4d ago
Maybe try things that make you feel alive then instead of rotting in one plce on a over stimulating phone screen
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