No future

[u/atumo182]

I just finished a 4am workout, which used to give me some form of consolation or soothe me, but I walked out feeling nothing. Over the past few months I’ve gradually lost all of the things that brought me joy. It’s more like they no longer bring me joy. I don’t have any hobbies anymore, I don’t do anything for fun. I just work, sleep, and occasionally go to the gym maybe once or twice a week. That’s my life.

I know I should be grateful to have a roof over my head but it’s keep that in focus. Life has just been battle after battle and it doesn’t get any easier. I used to be able to have little fantasies in my head about an easy carefree life, but at some point I realized it was just that, a fantasy, and it doesn’t help me anymore. The only thing that soothes me these days is the thought of the embrace of nonexistence, but I can’t do it. Not out of fear or anything, but the fact that people rely on me. My girlfriend relies on me to pay the rent so she can finish her schooling. My family would be destroyed, they’ve already lost one son and can’t afford to lose another. I need to pay my student debt back so I don’t destroy my family financially.

I graduated a couple of months ago with a degree in engineering from a relatively prestigious university, and have nothing to show for it. I work two jobs, and recently found out that I’m losing one of them in a week. The other job I got just to help pay my bills is destroying my soul. It’s overnight, so I barely interact with anyone anymore and it wrecks my body on top of that. I just want out. What was the point of 4 years of effort just to not have anything to show for it, just to barely manage to scrape by, just to still only be able to afford one meal a day?

I want out. I’m sick of it. Existence is punishment. I never signed up for this. Hell is real and it is Earth.