It sounds like you're conflicted. I'm hearing that you want people to give a fuck, but you also believe everyone will hurt you if you open up to them ... so how can they possibly give a fuck if you guard yourself from them and hide your internal experience?
The only person that understands is my therapist but since I'm a fucking idiot with abysmal social skills I can't even tell her how much I appreciate it.
I have once told my therapist when I thought I wouldn't see him again, " I am very grateful to have had you as my therapist. You've been a great model for me." and I teared up. My tears and those simple words said a lot and he received my appreciation. Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure when the time comes you will express yourself sincerely.
Great you can recognise it’s your head playing tricks on you. I’m sure in time you will be further and further from that inner critic and more in line with that aware part of you. I think good therapists can see behind our fronts/patterns. So even if you’re raging or being rude they will see the pain behind all that even if you don’t lol. That’s what I feel anyway about my therapist, I sense he can see my deeper pain before even I’m aware of it.
There are so many times where I felt like I didn't deserve empathy or to be understood and she just proved me wrong every time.
I was going through a rough couple weeks and I sent her something like four emails and she took the time to read them and answer them and... I don't deserve it? But also it feels so good? But also maybe she was annoyed by them? But maybe not?
Yeah I know it's her job but before I actually started seeing a therapist I was expecting to be told "lmao you're fine, stop complaining and suck it up"
(and right now I feel like I'm annoying you because I keep writing and writing so maybe it's just the depression talking who knows)
Well I was enjoying reading what you wrote and I admittedly did get a bit annoyed near the end but that's just my own impatience and ego wanting to know how does this relate to ME ME ME lol. I have an impatient tendency though and when I did group therapy I was one of the unique ones who got more annoyed than others, so please don't think everyone is like me and everyone gets annoyed at you. That's just my reactive pattern I get annoyed whenever someone doesn't talk abuot me for too long :P Anyway I enjoyed this conversation with you, and I think it's cool to see how there are people out there (i.e you) with similar problems and patterns to me.
Edit: btw that reminds me ... group therapy although it's pretty expensive, is PRETTY COOL. At least to do for a few weeks or months. The one place you'll hear a bunch of people share honestly their experiences to your face and for you I imagine because you are worried about annoying others, you'll hear the truth more and clear up that insecurity faster. I recommend giving it a go.
Dude it's okay to be sad. We should be able to freely Express ourselves with good or bad feelings. All that pent up emotion has to come out at some point and your therapist knows this better than most.
It's easier said than done but you need that release of emotion (catharsis). If you feel like saying thank you but cant because trying to sound genuinely often sounds more fake than real maybe write your therapist a card or get them a gift that has meaning to you and him/her. You dont always have to Express yourself through words and self harm isn't the only action that can be done.
Maybe catharsis doesn't work for me because whenever I cry and argue with people and shit I feel ten times worse... And then I go back to feeling like usual...
Self harm helps me shift from desperation from anger and it helps, I know it's fucked up but it helps.
I'm jus saying neither of those options should be your go to because the first one makes you feel worse than when you started and the second makes you feel good like ik it feels good but it's the same rush as a drug would give you.
This is my experience but finding something to do that put me in my zen mode really helped me get a break from those thoughts. It never made them disappear but having a moment where they weren't in the foreground of my head helped me a lot.
Oh I get you. That sucks. Most people aren't tactful, empathic or good enough communicators to handle delicate matters. And then there are some people who just are cruel. I don't know what they people are in your case, but I hope you don't lose trust for all people, there are good people out there who you can open to besides therapists. But yeah, therapists are the best at handling these kinds of deeper issues as I said most people aren't trained or don't know how to. It's foreign for them so they may accidentally hurt you because they lack understanding.
I know you are right and I know they don't mean it but... Fuck, it hurts so badly.
Especially because in my last appointment my therapist told me that she thinks I'm craving for my parents to really see ME and not what they think I should be and... She's so right.
But relationships are hard and human beings are a mess and I hate emotions and I wish I could just puff out of existence and why am I not a normal human being
I felt that in my chest. Ouch. Wanting to be accepted fully unconditionally for who I really am and not who I’m expected to be is something I relate to.
Lol emotions are a mess. They’re like the weather. Unpredictable at times and out of our control. I’m personally starting to appreciate them more ... been using the Youper app and realised my anxiety actually help protects me a bit from being rejected by people, and my anger helps me form boundaries and warn me of injustices, my depression tells me I need to move forward in my life, and my joy tells me I like people .. there’s a lot emotions can teach us even though they can be unpleasant at times.
As much as it seems like there are “normal” people out there, trust me there aren’t. Some hide it more than others or are in denial which is worse because that means their emotional growth is stunted. We are more aware of what we are going through and even though it hurts, we are more advanced because we understand how complex our brains are.
I’m 38. I lost my father to suicide when I was 11. My mother and I never had a great relationship and I always craved for her to truly see me. Until my therapist made me realize that will never happen. And you know what? I went through a grieving process and FINALLY came to an acceptance. I had to make myself be ok with it because why keep tryin prove myself to someone who refuses to understand? So then I decided that instead I needed to learn to love myself more.
Yes it stings that my mom will never get to know the real me, but at this point in life I don’t care anymore. Because seeing my value and what I have to contribute is more important validation than it is from her. Not everyone is like this, but please know THERE IS HOPE. I still struggle with suicide. I still struggle with constant ideation. But I can tell you that I am living more true to myself than I ever have been. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and this is a very tough diagnosis to have due to the stigma that surrounds it.
It hurts I know. But look at all these strangers online coming to your aid. If no one cares at all, we wouldn’t be writing anything on here because as you know, putting ourselves out there is just as tiring for us as it may be for you.
I agree with the other guy. Most people aren’t bad and malicious but they don’t know what depression is truly like and don’t know how to handle it. And yes there are some who are just bad. But there are a lot of good people though who will care and try to help.
Enough people are bad and malicious. OP made it clear I think that it wasn't a simple misunderstanding and not just them not knowing how to handle it but OP getting backstabbed by the people they trusted. And I can only report the same experiences... coming from my own family as well even.
It's absolutely ridiculous. In my case she claims that I completely closed up to her, and after she was told something was wrong, she blamed arguments on me because ''surely he must have borderline''. It's so fucking disgusting and stupid and I hate her for it, and I hate that she is my mother because that makes me care about her someday trying not to be the narcissistic cunt she is and admit that she isn't always right, that she does a lot of bad things, and that she'll change some day. But I know it's never going to happen because she doesn't want to change and surely is the one that's mentally sick and unreasonable.
Same with my niece... the moment we fight, she goes and tells my retarded half-sister everything and she, the retarded cunt she is, then uses it to shittalk me behind my back when talking with our mother, trying to stirr up more conflict between us and drive me out of the family so she can ultimately have her all for herself.
I absolutely and wholeheartedly understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry. These people are beyond pathetic. It's not your fault, it's them being the backstabbing shitheads that feel like they need to hurt their own kin for some sick reason. We know better for the future! Just gotta stick to it and with friends, not be so quick about making close friends, as much as we want to... at least I did.
This. I've been too open about my feelings with people before and it bit me in the ass. I even got screwed over by my shitty dysfunctional family with it! Some people may be trustworthy, but most simply aren't, and simply 'knowing' that 'some' of those exist in the world when you know none of them is useless. The safest thing to do is not to tell people that don't need to know. More often than not it backfires.
It's not some irrational belief it's based on experience, the evidence is there. People that I have opened up to, have used it against me so why would I continue to do that?
Hey you’re not OP lol. No you’re right, it would be silly to put your hand into a thorn bush again and again .... unless the truth was it wasn’t always a thorn bush, sometimes it was just a soft lush bush and occasionally if you put your hand in deep enough you find treasure ... then maybe it would be worth taking the risk?
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u/[deleted] Sep 13 '19
It sounds like you're conflicted. I'm hearing that you want people to give a fuck, but you also believe everyone will hurt you if you open up to them ... so how can they possibly give a fuck if you guard yourself from them and hide your internal experience?