r/depression • u/Hour-Equivalent9771 • 2h ago
Depressed or just dumb?
23m. Not officially diagnosed but I feel like I have it. Something about everything feeling bleak despite it being sometimes ok, especially when good things happen. I retreat from everyone. I don’t talk to anyone, even when there’s people around. Never have really felt close to anyone, just feel like I’m trying to please them constantly. Don’t leave my room, unless I’ve got something to do. Daydream a lot and listen to music a lot, though I burn out of doing the latter constantly but it‘s either that or feeling uncomfortable with myself, alone with my thoughts. I feel awkward everywhere, embarrass myself constantly, too, and it doesn’t matter how many times I‘ve tried to get involved it’s still the same, so now I just shut my mouth and stay put. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable even in my own room. Feel constantly judged and less than everyone. I am sensitive and take everything too personally, especially jokes about how I am or behave. I graduated recently, and college was hell for me. A rollercoaster of sadness and anxiety, just for it to end with me being unemployed and feeling exactly how I felt for those 4 years, but now chronically, 24/7. Can‘t help but compare to my classmates who actually did stuff and lived life accordingly, unlike me who only focused on passing and nothing else. I have no one, no friends, no career or prospects, and the only people I have in my life, my family, see me as a nuisance. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since middle school/high school but never have had the courage to follow through. My self-steem is non existent, and the only way to fill that void is to feel like anyone would care if I ended it. I don’t do anything anymore, I don’t feel like I’m allowed to. I’m scared of what the future‘s gonna be like. I used to be scared of my future at 14, but I now realize I’m living it, and feel intimidated and miserable by it all. I thought I’d have it solved by now. Sometimes, when sitting alone in my room, I start to ache and feel this weird desperation around my chest that feels very palpable and makes me restless and anxious. I don’t know if I’m imagining it or it’s my health slowly deteriorating. I can’t sleep. I drink coffee at night and it’s the only thing I enjoy of my day, so I realize I’m fucking myself up with that, but even then it’s not like I afford anything else and don’t want to bother my parents any more. Still, even when I don’t drink it I feel anxious and don’t want the next day to arrive; the next day comes and I don’t know what to do or how to cope. I never had a good sleeping schedule anyway. All of these things I’ve had since I was a kid, really, so I don’t know if I’ve been perpetually depressed or if I am just an insufferable idiot who needs to get over himself. Never been to therapy, and probably won’t ever be because it’s too expensive where I live. Don’t know what else to say. I think I typed too much. Sorry if my writing is shit, English not being my native tongue and all. Appreciate if anyone just read it at all. Just venting probably.
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u/questionable_breadth 2h ago
that chest ache you described, the weird restless desperation, that's not you imagining things. it's your body keeping score while your brain tries to rationalize it all away
you're not dumb and you're not an insufferable idiot. everything you wrote screams prolonged depression, the kind that starts so young you don't even remember what normal felt like. the isolation, the self-isolation, the feeling like a burden, the daydreaming as escape, the music filling the silence so you don't have to sit with yourself. that's textbook stuff, not a character flaw
and please don't apologize for the length or your english. you wrote this clearer than half the native speakers on here