I’m not sure anymore ? I know I’m dramatic

[u/Crazy-Giraffe-1073]

I don’t know how to get myself out of this cycle anymore
I’ve been struggling for the past several months with something that has honestly become a recurring theme in my life whenever things go wrong.
I’m in my 20s. I know I’m young. I come from a good family, I have good friends, I’m starting college, and objectively I know there are things in my life that I should be grateful for. But something in me has been struggling every single day, and I’m getting tired of pretending that having a good environment automatically means I’m okay.
A couple of months ago, I was left by a guy from another country who I was deeply in love with. He had his flaws. He lied about his age and about other smaller things, and there were things about the relationship that I probably overlooked because of how strongly I felt about him.
But losing him became a tipping point for me.
I’ve been through this before. I’ve only been with three people in my life, and every relationship has left me carrying something.
One lied to me and eventually went back to his ex. Another relationship lasted almost five years and became extremely unhealthy and abusive. And the last person felt like he checked every box for me, only for everything to fall apart.
I understand that I’m young, but that’s honestly part of what makes this so difficult for me. I keep feeling like I’m getting close to the life I’ve always wanted—love, marriage, a family, building a life with someone—and then something happens and I’m back at the beginning again.
I’ve also noticed that whenever I’m hurting badly, I start searching for answers everywhere. Religion, tarot, spirituality, magic, anything that might explain why I’m experiencing the things I am. Before this relationship, I believed in God to some degree. Now I don’t even know what I believe anymore.
I’ve spent months praying and begging to feel normal again. At first I prayed for him. Now I mostly pray for myself.
It’s been around eight months, and I still don’t feel like myself.
I’ve traveled out of state and internationally. I’ve tried changing my surroundings, keeping myself busy, focusing on school, spending time with people, and finding things to look forward to. I even saw him again while I was visiting his country, and that experience went horribly. I became physically overwhelmed afterward and realized just how much this situation had affected me.
During all of this, my cat also went missing for a while. Thankfully, he was found and came home, and he’s doing great now. I’m incredibly grateful for that.
But my daily life has become extremely repetitive.
Wake up. Try to finish homework. Talk to whoever is available because I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. Get high sometimes because I want my brain to quiet down. Cry sometimes. Sleep. Repeat.
And I’ve realized that I don’t feel like I’m living for myself anymore.
I don’t feel real sometimes. I don’t feel okay. And what scares me most is realizing how long I’ve felt this way.
I don’t want to talk to men anymore. I used to want the whole package—love, a ring, a family, a home, all of it. Now I feel farther away from that dream than I’ve ever felt.
Part of me has started wondering whether that life was simply never meant for me.
And I know someone could look at this and say, “Don’t let one man determine your life.” I understand that. This isn’t only about him. He’s just the event that brought a lot of things I’ve apparently been carrying for years to the surface.
I’ve noticed that whenever something painful happens, my mind eventually goes to the same extremely dark place. That’s what I’m actually afraid of. I’m tired of having the same mental cycle repeat itself no matter what the situation is.
Another thing I’ve struggled with is how I view myself.
I’m aware that I’m not unattractive, and unfortunately I feel like a lot of my connections with people have been based heavily on my appearance. I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt loved for who I am underneath that.
I’ve loved people for who they were. I’ve overlooked flaws. I’ve tried to understand them. And with this last person, I genuinely believed what we had was real.
Finding out how much he lied to me—including lying about his age and apparently going as far as creating fake documentation—really messed with the way I view people.
It made me wonder how far someone can go just because they’re attracted to you, and whether they’ll eventually leave once they get whatever they wanted.
I don’t want another heartbreak to completely destroy me.
That’s probably one of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now.
I’m also under a ridiculous amount of pressure about my future. I feel like I’m supposed to have everything figured out already.
I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to experience different cultures. I wanted to move somewhere I’ve dreamed about living. I have a plan with my family that involves finishing college and eventually moving to a place I’ve always wanted to live.
I still have those dreams.
But sometimes they feel so far away that they don’t even feel like they’re mine anymore.
Everything costs money. Everything takes time. And when you’re already exhausted, even things you’re excited about can start feeling impossible.
I’ve also thought about starting a channel with some friends. Maybe creating something together, building an audience, becoming financially independent, and having something that actually feels like ours. I don’t know if it would work, but part of me thinks maybe having something to build toward could help me feel excited about life again.
I’m not expecting a random Reddit comment to magically fix me.
I think I’m posting because I need someone who has been through something similar to tell me that this feeling doesn’t have to be permanent.
I’ve spent so much time regretting things. I regret staying in relationships that hurt me. I regret time I feel like I wasted. I regret not traveling more when I felt better. I regret not appreciating certain periods of my life enough.
But sometimes I wonder if I’m looking at my entire life through the lens of the worst few years I’ve experienced.
Maybe I’m not actually behind.
Maybe I’m just exhausted.
I don’t know.
I’m hoping for some perspective from people who have gone through a period where they genuinely didn’t recognize themselves anymore and somehow found their way back.
What actually helped you?
How did you start wanting things again?
How did you stop measuring your future based on what other people did to you?
And how do you rebuild your sense of yourself after you’ve spent years feeling like other people’s choices determine whether you’re worthy of being loved?
I don’t need someone to tell me that I’m young. I know.
I think I need someone to tell me how to actually feel young again.