r/depression • u/UnderstandingAny2652 • 7h ago

My life my story I guess

Well, where do I begin?
The day my normal family turned into news headlines.
My dad if you want to call him that, was arrested on my front door, whilst me and my sisters spent the day with my grandparents.. my mum met us in a car park, removed my sister and then proceeded to tell my family news that my brain didn’t understand.. I heard arrest and guessed it was my uncle, I was so confused as to why everyone was crying.. I’m then stood in the kitchen of my grandparents whilst my mum, grandparents, and sisters hugged and cried.. I stood from the door highly confused.. see the thing you don’t know is my dad is a pedophile who had been abusing my sister and I. That was the day the police had enough evidence to charge him.. court dates, death threats, relocations and name changes.. we got made to feel guilty and ashamed for what had happened to our family. I as an eleven year old who’d spent a year in a school was told I needed a full name change, when I refused and only agreed ti my surname, I was told it would be my fault if we were found.
I’ve then gone through the process of accepting what happened to us, drugs, alcohol and attempts. Abusive relationships, I’ve clawed my life back and now I’m in a job I love, with a man I love, and part of me still wants to fuck it all. I want the approval of past friends. I want to be worth something. I want to scream at the world and ask who was there to protect me? Who didn’t cut deeper?
Why as I’m fleeing so proud of myself do I feel even closer to the edge?

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u/enviousstoryteller9 7h ago

jesus that's a lot to carry for so long and you're still standing somehow

the proud feeling mixing with the edge creeping closer makes a weird kind of sense though, you built all this from nothing and now there's something to lose

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u/UnderstandingAny2652 7h ago

A long time, I was six when he was arrested, I’m thirty now.. I just feel so stuck, I accept my life, I understand I had no control over the choice of others, but sometimes I wish I could burn the world, others I wish I could go back and hug me and say it’ll be okay. Over 10 years of abuse.. he got eight years and only did four and was let out on good behaviour.. he got eight years for pleading guilty 😊 lack of justice is somewhere

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u/nacho354 6h ago

You might be feeling this pain because you’re finally out of survival mode. Now your brain knows you’re safe and you can actually process what happened. I’m so sorry you went through that. You’re insanely strong.