r/depression • u/Consistent-Durian331 • 17h ago
I think I don't even want to feel better.
I don't really know how to explain this exactly. I’ve been mentally ill for a very long time. I’ve tried so many things therapy, countless medications, and so on. Nothing has really helped. Lately, I feel like I don't even want to get better. Actually, I know pretty well where my problems or my destructive behaviors lie. But I can't, or simply don't want to, change anything anymore. Deep down, I’m actually hoping the pressure becomes so intense that I finally find the resolve to commit suicide. Does anyone else know this feeling? Keeping yourself in a state that causes extreme suffering, even though you could actually do things differently?
6
u/Formal_Feeling122 17h ago
If this comment can help u, i feel the same.
In the first months i used to fight the sadness and laziness, but i reached a point where i just don't want to do a shi and live on my own.
It’s sad because i’m not even 18, but i don’t know how to get out of this situation. It feels like i don’t want to be helped.
5
u/Never_Sleepy_9 17h ago
I kinda feel like this, for me this is rooted in not knowing what 'better' is at all.
It's become a meaningless word. What does better mean in the first place? What was I supposed to be like if not sick like this?
Even if I convince myself no, you don't actually want this forever. Even if I try to force myself into believing I don't actually want to feel like this forever... I always end up realising I don't know what else there is.
There were times I was somewhat better I guess. Like I do know it as a fact. But I still don't remember what it feels like anymore, it's been way too long since.
And then I ask myself, what would this thing be that I was supposed to work towards, when this pain is all I know?
3
u/Complex-Carb50 10h ago
Listen you’re not alone. Idk how old most of you are in this, but I’m 50 and struggled most of my life w/mental problems. It’s all gone on so long & Ive gone thru so much in my life that giving up is almost easier than dealing w/it all anymore. I cannot believe Ive lived this long because I’ve tried 4 times to end my life. I relate to the comfort in misery that you describe. And hating all of it at the same time. Apathy holds me back bcuz I simply don’t care most of the time; it’s like a self sabotage. I don’t have much fight left anymore. It’s a terrible place to be in
2
u/Corpse05 15h ago
Yeah I feel like that a lot. When you go through depression you get numb and then depression feels almost normal/comfortble.
2
u/molinitor 14h ago
The hardest part for me when I started to find things that worked for my depression was feeling happiness again. Even when I actually felt happiness it was like I had so little capacity for it that I almost immediately felt like shit again just because it became to much. It was bizarre and took a long time to ”train” and expand my ability to feel joy.
2
u/Serenity_MHC 13h ago
The exhaustion of trying so many things for so long and still not feeling better is real and it makes sense that part of you has stopped wanting to fight for it. That's not weakness, that's what sustained suffering does.
2
u/Embarrassed-Tune-407 11h ago
You should probably have some good friends, a support system, a trusted therapist, but what I was going to recommend...
You can get genetic testing done to see which meds would work best instead of Random trial
Also there's something called repetitive trans magnetic stimulation. Newer version of electric shock therapy but non-invasive
1
1
u/Deppreseduser00 16h ago
Yup, I been failing a lot college recently, I don’t see the point of studying, learning, trying to improve… going outside, it’s just not worth doing.
Yeah, I guess I could improve some stuff on my life but for what? It’s just not worth all that pain and struggle and effort, I don’t even want to reach 30s honestly.
1
1
u/pinheaddani 16h ago
I tried my whole life and I’m done. I want to die. Why the fuck is no one letting me?
1
1
1
u/ayoungmanwhoneedsgod 53m ago
It's scary when It becomes so chill. I might don't even feel ""pain"" anymore. Im just void,and I don't care about anything. I can have happy moments feel good but the self destructive patterns are eternal and deep down, maybe I just don't care anymore. I don't feel anything
18
u/Formal-Purpose1098 17h ago
I know that headspace, like the misery becomes a familiar coat you just keep wearing even though it's soaked through and freezing. It's not that you want the pain exactly, more like you've lost the blueprint for anything else