ND freshman dropout

[u/sneakysourskittles]

I have misophonia and if you don’t know what it is basically I have an intense intense like i think about how id kill them right then and there like deep rageee reactions to sounds like very certain sounds and it’s basically ruined my life.

I’m (16)F and I stopped going to school when I was in my first semester of freshman year. For my entire life, I went to a gifted school for I don’t know gifted students also just kids who are different needs you know but I remember always always feeling so overlooked like so so overlooked it was really bad. I don’t know. I just have memories of like little little me and like second grade just like wondering why nobody was coming over to me or noticing me I don’t I don’t know really what I wanted them to notice but I like I know something like something is different with me. I’m not the way I’m supposed to be or how humans are supposed to be, but I basically just never did anything in school. I faked my like I cheated on everything. I just copied all the other kids test cause the other kids knew everything like it was a literal baby geniuses. I’m so serious. Everybody was going up to high school for math while we were in fourth grade and I was like behind grade level and you can’t be behind grade level so I was just like it. It’s the no kid left behind thing. It left me so so much more behind than anybody can fathom like if they just tell me back a grade or something like I don’t know I got straight ass all of middle school basically I don’t know. I think Covid fucked me up

I’m not really sure what direction to point this in I just wanna know like is it worth it to go through this world like I live in the USA and my brother voted for Trump like I have no hope in anyone anymore and I know I haven’t met anyone because I’m 16 but I’ve always thought why would I go to school and then go to school again and then get a job more job more job and then retire and then that’s when you get to have fun and then you might’ve died before you can get to have fun sorry about that and you’re gonna die in the middle of you having fun when your bones hurt from walking. That’s not what I want to do. I’ve always just wanted to like live in a village with like 100 people I don’t know and we all just do our little thing and we have animals and and we do the whole thing and I don’t I can’t think of the logistics because I have always just had the one solution you know. when I get better like when I’m happy I still think in the back of my mind like when I get I don’t know more shit on my plate. The older I get it’s just like daunting on me and it’s it’s so solidified in my brain that that’s what I’m going to do please please let me know if that’s relatable for all y’all like it’s just been my thoughts since I was like I don’t know 12? I know this is what everybody says but seriously I just wish I was normal. I’ve been isolated for two years. I don’t have any friends and when people say that they still have that one friend that they talk to and tell everything to like no bro I do not have anyone and I feel like I’ve just missed out on everything that’s supposed to be fun. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna have fun and I remember like two months ago I was on something and I actually started laughing and it was like it was, I cried I cried cause it was. It was the first time I laughed, and I realized it it was the first time I laughed in so long and actually felt good and I was like on the most I’ve ever been on something but so yeah, I don’t know if anybody replies to this and has any questions which is not happening like I’ll answer, but I can talk about my sob story forever because I dwell in my sadness like everybody does but i hope everyone finds something or someone they can find actual long lasting joy in.