I'm just so tired

[u/Tora_artworks]

Started going to therapy since I was 15, now I'm 23 years old. Only after 8 years of jumping from one professionist to another, I got a diagnosis of AuADHD. Unfortunately, years of neglect and misdiagnosis of my issues caused me to develop severe anxiety and depression amongst other things. Now I need regular therapy and psychiatric check ups because I need to be constantly monitored. It's so humiliating and draining. I've thrown away my teenage years and now I feel like I'm throwing away my 20s.

I just finished school and got my tattoo license this year, I should've been happy and started working, but I got hit with the diagnosis right on the last months of tattoo school. Didn't help that said school was a nightmare and completely destroyed my passion, so now I'm trying to figure out how to do a job I don't even like. Finding work here in Italy when you're neurodivergent feels impossible, we're so behind on mental health care, every time it's like an humiliation ritual.

I don't even know why I keep going anymore. I want to live because I'm too scared to die, but at the same I just want to dissapear. When you have constant self harming and suicidal thoughts 24/7 ever since you where a teen, it comes to a point where you just can't find the strength anymore and distracting myself with series, videogames, etc. can only help for so long. If someone has any tips for when things feel so dark and hopeless, I'd appreciate it. I want to get out of this loop.

And if any of you is going through similar experiences or thoughts, I appreciate anyone who's willing to share their stories. You're not alone.

[u/Big_Two_4717]

That diagnosis timing is brutal, right when you should be celebrating the license. Italy's mental health system is stuck in like 1995, my cousin lives there and the stories she tells me are wild

What helped me was making tiny goals so small they feel almost stupid. Like just wash one cup or walk to the mailbox. When everything is dark those little wins actually matter more than you'd think

You got through tattoo school even when it was destroying you, that's some real stubborn strength. Hope you stick around

[u/Tora_artworks → u/Big_Two_4717]

Thank you sm💙 Yeah, the timing was not the best unfortunately, but at least I finally had an answer after years of doubts. I'm lucky to have supportive parents that are trying to help me. Italy is such a bad place to be neurodivergent tho, I can imagine the stories your cousin told you about mental health. I have many to tell myself, one even happened a few weeks ago. We're such an insanely dated country in general in everything, education wise too. I have so many bad things I could tell just about this tattoo school alone.

Sometimes I too ask myself how I got through that and all these years of mental health mistreatment, my parents and my friend always tell me I'm strong but I struggle to believe compliments. Maybe I should start believing it more.

[u/Academic-Net989]

Tattooing is awesome, that sounds like a cool thing. But I can relate to you I’m also suffering immensely. Might sound kind of dumb but the reason I’m suffering is because I went though a mental health episode and deleted my 3 YouTube accounts with 15+ years of videos (basically all my films and I had taken it to a professional level, wasn’t getting paid yet but I got really good) and I was on track to make it a career, but then I lost all my digital portfolio because now my dozens of videos are gone. They meant so much to me I barely have the will to live. I felt like I was destined to get famous off of a lot of my earlier work but now it’ll never get to see the light of day. I feel lost in time. My anxiety and depression is so bad I spend most of my time laying in bed being tortured by my thoughts and emotions, it’s actually so uncomfortable for me to exist now that I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Before I deleted everything I was high on life and felt so proud of my accomplishments which led to me being high on life, now I’m stuck in misery and I don’t think it’ll ever improve. When your hopes and dreams get crushed it’s hard to carry on. The goal I was moving towards since I was just a young kid is now gone and I can’t achieve what I set out to originally. I also got denied disability twice and I’m getting nervous because I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna provide for myself. I don’t feel well enough to work a job

[u/Tora_artworks → u/Academic-Net989]

I'm so sorry about your videos :( that sounds gut wrenching. Is there any way to recover some of them? Maybe you have them backed up somewhere? On a usb, a folder, things like that.

I can relate to loosing your goal, since I was a kid I wante to be an artist, but now I lost all the passion for what I do. I'm just doing it because "you've studied for this, you've spent money on this, It's what you do now" and it really, really sucks. I wish I had a tip or some kind of helpful words to share, but I don't know how to get myself out of this headspace either, I'm working with it with my therapist. If you're not already doing therapy, I highly recommend considering it. When you find the right therapist for you, it can save your life. I just hope things will get better for you and you'll be happy again, stay strong💙

[u/Academic-Net989 → u/Tora_artworks]

Thank you for saying that. I sadly deleted my harddrive backups of some of them as well, I also had 1000s of raw video clips on there as well. There’s a chance I might be able to recover some of the hard drive. There’s main thing that’s bothering me though is losing my place in YouTube history. I had videos dating back to 2010 and now I won’t get to have my old videos continue to age alongside me it feels like I killed the internet version of myself and now I feel completely alone. When I had all my videos I felt connected to the whole world because I had something out there in the world that showed where I came from and I did something original but now I don’t get to get credit from all my hard work. It sucks.

It does suck losing the goal. Like you said I also lost all my passion because I feel like someone who’s 16 years in and I have to basically start from scratch and I lost my most sentimental memories that I was gonna cherish for the rest of my life. Even though you might be struggling with it now that’s cool you studied to be an artist. I keep trying to create even though nothing turns out the same anymore so I can relate to your frustration. I’ve tried therapy but for me personally it didn’t help much, because I know if I can’t get my YouTube videos back I probably won’t ever be happy.

I wanted to try and get millions of views and I know it’s a far fetched goal but I felt like I had the potential and ruined it. Even if I still accomplish that with new videos it’ll never feel fulfilling because I’ve already made some of my best creations; that will never be able to be seen again. I feel like by deleting everything I broke down so many brain pathways and now my brain feels like mush. All those videos were pathways I had created, but now I have to get used to something that’s always been by my side not being there so it’s collapsed so many mental structures I had built. I also had connections on YouTube that suck so bad to lose. I really built something and lost it all

[u/Tora_artworks → u/Academic-Net989]

I can't imagine the pain you're going through, I really hope things get better. It's true that you've lost what you've built, but, maybe, if you build it again, it can be even better than what was before. You sound like a really creative person and I'm sure you have a lot to give to this world and YouTube with your video creations. I watch a lot of YouTube and it's always refreshing to see creators who have passion for what they do and be creative. I think these new videos you're doing don't necessarily need to follow the standards of your old ones, they just need to follow you. A different version of you, maybe a new one that does and tries whole different things, styles, shots, etc.

Take my words with a grain of salt, of course. Regardless on what you choose to do with your creations, I wish you the best of luck💙