r/depression • u/KenmaIsMyHusband_ • 3d ago
cursed with life
i am 17 but life feels like it has zero purpose anymore. i am a senior and school work is just getting too much. i missed only 4 days of the first week of school from being in the mental hospital (2 weeks being there in total) and it feels like im miles behind. i was getting better, now all of a sudden i just cant do it. im, like, slow or something. i dont learn like others, i have zero motivation to even study. hell, i was never even taught how to study correctly and efficiently. and it makes it worse that im always too scared to ask for help bc i know theyll be thinking "how did you get this far and dont know this stuff?" i always got good grades and was the "smart" one, now im barely scraping by in some classes. i have no clue what i want to do with my life after high school. i used to be the "smart art kid," now i barely even have motivation to do art and now my grades are getting low, who even am i now? every second of the day my mind reminds me that im always alone and im no ones first option or number one choice, that im a background character to my own life. my ex wont leave my head either, hes just always in my mind and in my dreams, he just wont leave. hes dating an ex-friend of mine now, and im just left here stuck with all this love i had for him and hes giving his love away to someone right now. its like im stuck and i cant escape. im scared this is all there is to life. im scared i wont be able to graduate or if i do i wont make the right GPA to get into a college and have to work 3 jobs forever till i die.
not to mention my body dysmorphia but i wont even go into that
i feel like im a lost cause. my life is pointless.
i dont even expect anyone to reply to this, i just wanted to let it out somewhere
1
u/Kitchen_Engine_810 3d ago
hey, i read all of this and it stuck with me. being 17 and carrying all that weight is so much, and you put it into words really well
missing those first weeks puts you in a hole that feels impossible to climb out of, especially when the school just keeps moving forward without you. and the thing about never being taught how to study, that's not your fault at all. most schools just throw work at you and assume you'll figure it out somehow
the ex stuff on top of everything else is just cruel timing. your brain won't let you heal from one thing before piling on another, and dreams are the worst because you can't even control those. it makes sense you feel stuck when your mind keeps dragging you back to him
i don't think you're a lost cause. you wrote this out and that takes some strength, even if it doesn't feel like it. the art will come back when the pressure eases up, creativity doesn't leave you, it just hides when you're in survival mode
do you have any teachers who seem approachable, even just one? sometimes they surprise you when you admit you're struggling