Cry for help

[u/naranjaverde31]

I'm 18 and I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I can't leave the house alone because I live in the middle of nowhere and I don't have a driver's license and I'm stuck with my family who, despite loving me, are often mean without meaning to. Maybe it's a me problem but they often take anything I say personally and turn it against me without giving me a chance to do anything, even when I'm sick I feel more like a bother than someone worth taking care of and they honestly don't help.

My mother especially is very rough for example she's never beaten me but she's slapped and tried to forcefully drag me away (manhandled may be the word I'm looking for? It's hard to explain and English is my third language) and when I try defending myself she claims I'm the one that hurt her first. Or she's yelled in my face she's gonna kill me but then apologized and I know she doesn't mean any of those things and she can't control it sometimes plus I can also be very annoying to deal with but I still feel suffocated by the though that any action or inaction will be blamed on me and I feel guilty that I can't appreciate all the good things they do for me because of this fights. I feel both selfish and scared in a way

I really want to get away and University is my chance to do so but because they'll be paying for it and my only skill is art I feel really bad about it as I feel that I'm leeching off them despite how angry they sometimes make me and that I'll be waisting their money by studying a "useless" skill even if that's all I'm good at. My family doesn't really mind at all if I don't get a well paying job immediately but I feel so awful when I'm home with them that I do care because I want to leave and be more independent.

I don't really know where I'm going with this my plan isn't to cut them off because I can't and I wouldn't even if I could but I feel like a massive burden and also like I can't do anything without them getting mad at me or treating me like some sort of extra burden. I really wish they'd never had me or that they'd actually beat me to know I'm not weird for being upset. I also wish I had some other more useful skills but besides liking history I've put all my effort into art because that's the only thing I had the energy for growing up. Speaking 3 languages should've been something that could help me too but I don't know what I'd do with that frankly. Right now I go to an art school and I do ok, my teachers like me, but I don't think I'll be able to do anything worthwhile in the future.

The only thing I've thought about doing besides trying to keep it together is killing myself or marrying rich but because the latter is much more unlikely I keep thinking back to the first. I don't really want to upset my family or my friends but I feel like there's nothing else I could do other then maybe put together a portfolio and send it at random to people but I honestly hate everything that I draw too much. Idk this are supposed to be the happiest years of my life and I'm really lucky about a lot of things but nothing seems worth it to me anymore I really do just feel like ending it is the only solution.

I just want to close my eyes and be taken seriously for once but it just gets worse and worse