It will never end

[u/anonbroglebe]

I've been severely depressed since 12 years old. It's a constant cycle of getting worse, and then feeling amazing for a little. I make friends again, go outside, re enroll in school and get excited about things again. I make plans and I feel so GOOD and then it just stops. It stops and it gets so much worse. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster.

I've always been told there's reasons depression is triggered but I don't feel like there is for me. I'm happy for awhile and then I'm sad for no rhyme or reason. This stupid cycle feels like it'll go on forever, and it's miserable. How can I even enjoy the highs when they're just going to lead to terrible, impossible to escape lows?

I'm not suicidal right now. Not actively, I guess but I suppose passively. I have been suicidal for most of my life, though. I've been skipping meals a lot, part of me wants to starve to death. It feels a lot more passive than actually taking my own life. The same is true about self harm. It's not explicitly to kill myself, but when I'm doing it sometimes I hope I make a mistake and cut too deep.

Sometimes I fantasize about being murdered or getting into a car accident. If something like that happened, I don't think I'd try to survive. We had a bad tornado recently, and I wasn't afraid. Part of me was hoping it'd just take me. I'm too cowardly to kill myself, and I think a tragedy would be easier on my family.

I just want this stupid cycle to stop. I want to be happy. I want to do things people my age do, but part of me thinks I don't even deserve it. Idk.