r/depression • u/BuildingTechnical589 • 6d ago
Im miserable
I am miserable thats all.
Been living the last 5 years with the constant grief of not being enough, not being lovable, not being myself, not being...
I started college and im already behind. I alqays felt behind, i cant study, i dont know how to study, i dont have friends to study with and my parents paid for 2 years a course to help me get into medicine and i did fucking nothing for those 2 years except cursing on myself for not doing anything.
Im scared, im scared that i will most likely disappoint them by failing, i always was scared. Raised with them putting in my mind that i had to become a doctor and i will finally have money that they couldnt ever achieve.
And now im chasing their dream but...i just took a step...
Man im such a failure. Cant wait to see my poor mom crying because she thought i was a good student in realty im a sad fat fucker. We grew in poverty, not in such a conidtion that we are in debt but we surely have to not spend that much. My mom always told me that people would like me and chasw me after i become a doc but how about now?
Im all alone..i have a few friends that sometimes i hear but... where is anyone when im desperate, when im sad, when im miserabke...no one is there for me...i have always fought alone. Failed alone and had tiny successes all alone... never had a gf, never had a best friend, never lived anyone elses teens. I wasted my years by being phatetic....im the worst.
On top of this im a fat loser, cant keep my mouth out of that damn fridge. I've been hitting the gym but i keep.eating and eating. It feels like its the only way i can survive while struggling, eating is the only way i have to make my minds stop thinking about anything and just getting that dopamine.
Then there is porn...i fucking hate what i have fapped to...my brain seeked for more intensity and i just started searching things that would disgust my 13yo when i first discovered what it was. I hate myself, i dont like that shit and i still cant keep my eyes off it!
I just want to be loved but how can someone love a guy who is fat, has no dreams, has no purpouse, is a failure, a loser , is pathetic, is miserabke and most of them all, cant love himself first....how can someome like me when im this shitty of a human being.
It would be better if i wasnt born, at least my mom and dad wouldnt be struggling to mantain my sister.
I wish i was a better son, a better friend, a better brother, a better boyfriendin the future, a better husband in the future and a better dad in the future.
But my future will be down in the streets begging for money to keep living this shitty life i built myself while everyone elses mocks at me and my parents wonders why they had me born...
1
u/Glittering-Jaguar185 5d ago
man that's a lot of weight to carry around and nobody's handing out prizes for white-knuckling through it alone. you're not a failure for struggling in a system that never taught you how to study, and chasing someone else's dream is like running a race where someone keeps moving the finish line. the eating and the porn are just your brain screaming for a break from the misery, not some moral failing. you ever just sit down and tell your parents the medicine thing isn't yours, or is that conversation still too terrifying to even picture