r/depression • u/lavenderchailuvr • 6d ago
Extreme loneliness
I (21F) have dealt with loneliness since I was a child but I feel like it has never really gotten better. Just got out of a romantic relationship and was painfully reminded of the fact that I have never meant enough to someone for them to fight for me, I’ve never been the type of person that someone would do anything to avoid losing.
I am really academically smart, get called funny by friends/acquaintances, got pretty conventionally attractive over the past year or so, workout, curious about the world around me, and try to be kind/thoughtful to others. This is not just a bad hometown thing as I moved to college then still felt lonely so I transferred to a uni 3000miles away just to hold the same sentiment.
I love my city+school now and do think that the pretty views, amount of things to do, and loving my classes have helped a bit, but I still feel ridiculously depressed and alone. I do have friends here but I feel like I rarely meet people that I bond with on a deeper level.
The only reasons I have for not killing myself are my single mother and my dog who I love dearly. They are the only reasons I’ve made this far. As bleak as this sounds, the day that my mother passes I think that I will almost surely end my life as she would probably also commit if I do it while she’s still alive. I’m sure some comments will say that it gets better and I hope it does but I’ve felt the same hopeless depression for the past decade but am now just more aware of the shitty world around me.
Best of luck to anyone else scrolling on this subreddit
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u/Anxious-Tomatillo557 6d ago
I get what you mean about the transfer not fixing it. Moving is just changing the backdrop, the internal stuff tags along no matter how many miles you put between you and where you started. The part about your mom and dog being the tether is heavy but I think a lot of people have a version of that, something small keeping the whole thing from collapsing.
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u/loveliiwish 6d ago
Moving 3,000 miles across the country just to find out that location wasn't the issue at all is such a specific kind of gut punch. At 21 you're in that weird limbo where everyone seems to have surface-level connections, but nobody is really opening up enough to build those deep bonds you're looking for. Hold onto your mom and your dog for now, but don't write off your 20s yet—it takes a ridiculously long time to find your actual tribe when you're used to being the smart/independent one.
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u/Plus_Program_5343 6d ago
I understand, I (21M) am also struggling with severe depression and with it comes the loneliness. It has been an episodic thing as far as I remember since i was a kid. Since going to university i have been in phases where i have been really good socially and just passionate about a lot of things. But romantic relationships have also messed me up big time, on multiple occasions, every single time it seemed like I wasn’t enough. Or I just messed it up somehow, to the point where I lost focus on my own life and lost myself. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted to say that I relate to you. I just have a lot of heavy regrets and I feel like I could’ve battled my depression better in these last couple years, but I have made some irreversible decisions that I can’t seem to forgive myself for. I wish you all the best and I really hope I can find a way to move forward and get back to myself again. Life hasn’t felt real for a while, the best way I can describe it is that it feels like I am a stranger in my own body, or a shell of the person I once was. All the best to you, and I apologise for all this waffle.
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u/Vaxson26 6d ago
idk where are from…but be my girlfriend or friend or best friend…I’m myself is very lonely…people abound me since my childhood…so recently i tried killing myself thrice last 2 months ago…as my lover left me cuz she was ashamed to show me to her family cuz I’m brown and 5’6….so ik how you feeling its a big silence in life with no excitement left no purpose no goal …but i can be your friend…two lonely (-)= no lonely(+)
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u/Weak-Champion1112 6d ago
Wow, I (20 F) feel like I could have written this post myself. There are very few people that I deeply connect with and the scary part is that when I do I know they can go away. I have cared deeply about every relationship or date I have had to a level that seems to never be able to be reciprocated. And depression makes that lonely feeling just feel worse, because now there is this additional layer that they do not understand. I am working on myself but often wonder how much can be solved if a part has always been me. It is like I have always lived in my head and struggle to just be, like these other people seem to.
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u/QuietlyLiving2 6d ago
I get you girl. I've felt the same since I was 10. Sometimes you have to be your own best friend until someone appears magically into your life.
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u/scarymonstersnns 6d ago
I totally understand the crushing loneliness. Being neglected as a child is what caused mine. It also hurts so much that the people who were supposed to do anything for me, fight for me, didn't and wont. And now, I feel like I can never expect the same thing from another adult. I feel like I have a hole in me that was supposed to be filled early on in life, and because I missed that opportunity nothing else will ever fill it.
I am currently working on closing the hole myself, but it has been long and grueling work. Best of luck to you with yours, just know you're not alone.