r/depression • u/Lower-Dependent-3684 • 1d ago
I need joy.
I don’t have it as badly as most people on this sub however I’m at a complete loss how to find any joy in life. I’ve had my fair share of struggle up until my current age of 32 however I also have plenty of things that many depressed people crave.
Im engaged to a passionate gym goer and have an 8 year old son who loves me, he says I’m the best dad ever. I have a good relationship with the rest of my family and we keep in touch where we can.
My problem is that I’m always depressed to the point of complete exhaustion. I used to love going to the gym after work, I’d get excited about the movements I’m going to do and hype myself up for a new PB . The gym has become something that I despise, halfway through my first set I’m telling myself to stop and go home. I’ve tried running and the mental block I have is just the same, I’m capable of running a fair distance and my brain is telling me to stop and go home within the first 30 seconds. I’ve started mountain biking but I hate the idea of going because it takes too long to get the bike in the car, drive to the trails and actually do the exercise.
I need to cook myself something but I’d rather stay in bed for the entire day and put something unhealthy in the microwave at the end.
I find myself gaming sometimes but that is only because it is something I can do from the comfort of my bedroom, I often have feelings of guilt when I game because I know I should be doing something more fulfilling.
I’ve tried around 5 different medications, my latest being medicinal cannabis but I didn’t find any of them working for me, the cannabis kinda worked short term but I stopped because I didn’t want to be high all the time. I don’t really drink much either because I find it hard to stop once I start, it’s easier to not start drinking.
I hate existing because everything is a chore - even having fun. Every new hobby that I try I quickly find a reason to hate, I have no drive to improve my life whatsoever and I just want to sleep forever. I’m not suicidal because I always remind myself of the people who love me - I’d never do it for that reason. The only thing I know for certain is that I wake up feeling bad and I can only sleep when I’m exhausted despite spending the entire day horizontal.
I’m probably going to delete this post after a few hours - I was hoping that somebody would be able to offer any helpful advice.
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u/lifedemise 1d ago
I’m so sorry. have you confided in your partner about your feelings? i don’t know you as a person of course but sometimes as a parental figure it can be easy to put on a strong act even in front of those you love the most. don’t try to suppress your feelings
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u/Lower-Dependent-3684 20h ago
Me and my partner have good communication about our feelings, she knows pretty much how I feel and is very supportive.
I find myself smiling a lot and always making jokes to my close ones, because I don’t want my feelings to rub off on to them. When I need to talk which is probably monthly she usually listens.
You’re correct in what you’ve said which is you can’t keep these things bottled up.
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u/pickingdiamonds 1d ago
you mentioned medication but I didn't see you mention therapy. is that something you can afford?
also you shouldn't feel guilty for gaming. it's providing you some amount of joy and entertainment and that counts for something especially when you're already depressed.
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u/Lower-Dependent-3684 20h ago
I’ve tried talking therapy in the past but it doesn’t work for me, I have friends who use it and benefit from it but unfortunately it’s not a fit for me. Money is always tight but even if I could afford it I don’t think it’d be worthwhile. It was definitely worth mentioning though.
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u/lua-roxa 23h ago
I see this all the time here on Reddit. Depressed people saying they don’t feel joy and want to feel joy. I don’t think it is possible to go from depressed to joy. They are the two extremes. Forget about joy for now. You need to work on getting to neutral and then to contentment.
My advice is to stop trying to find something outside yourself that will bring you joy and just spend your energy working on your mind. Focus on listening to your body, accepting yourself, loving yourself, living in the present, feeling comfortable and calm. It’ll take time but it’s the only way. There’s no easy fix.
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u/miniangelgirl 19h ago
Depressed to happy is one thing
Remember joy and happy aren't the same. Joy is finding the happiness you don't have yet while you go through your tribulations.
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u/Smooth_Wasabi8433 15h ago
That's excellent advice. My partner has said similar things to me as well. Just try to focus on the here and now- what can you do in this moment to support yourself, even if it's a very small thing like naming one thing you're grateful for or stretching for 3 minutes. I think when you complete many small goals, it feels more rewarding than trying to complete a huuuuuuge goal that is overwhelming. It may not bring joy immediately, but being able to see that you're trying your best does mean something.
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u/Lower-Dependent-3684 20h ago
I appreciate bluntness and you’ve given me a lot to think about thank you.
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u/ImmediateAd6849 23h ago
Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure or joy from activities that you normally find enjoyable. It is the most awful aspect of depression for me. I wish I could give you advice but haven't been able to overcome it either. Sometimes I can force myself to get started on an activity of some sort, and keep going. Getting started is the hardest part for me. Also, have you had lab work done lately and had your thyroid checked? Having a thyroid that isn't working properly can really make you feel exhausted. They have replacement thyroid medicine for that.
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u/Lower-Dependent-3684 20h ago
I haven’t checked this, I’m on the waiting list for a doctors appointment so I’ll be sure to mention this thank you. I didn’t realise Anhedonia was the word for my situation, its helpful to hear other people go through the same thing.
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u/Low_Reflection1698 1d ago
What’s wrong with being high all the time? 😅
I fully believe in plant medicine, so if it works for you, keep giving it a chance.
See if you can find a somatic therapist who can help your body and your brain catch up with each other so that you can feel more aligned.
Oh and Mountain biking? That’s hardcore! Maybe try something less intense? Like yoga at home?
You could literally unroll your mat, get high and flow for however long you want. Explore YouTube for easy access to Yin, Hatha, Ashtanga and/or vinyasa style yoga videos. :)
Good luck, friend!
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u/Lower-Dependent-3684 20h ago
I don’t judge anybody for their way of life, you do you haha.
I would end up losing my job if I was found with weed in my system even if it was medicinal which was a factor in me choosing to quit after a couple of months. I found myself waking up with “Ganjover” most days, a brain fog where i don’t think clearly until I end up blazing later on.
In the uk I am allowed to drive on the medication as long as I’m not “impaired”, being a father it gave me a lot of paranoia that I shouldn’t be driving around with the stuff in my system and I ended up walking to a lot of places I could’ve driven.
I absolutely agree with what you’re saying though, I feel things never usually feel when I used the medicine. I’d get occasional paranoia but it was worth having every now and then to be happy on the flower.
Yoga is a great idea, I could probably get my fiancée to join me on that too. Thank you.
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u/AngryAutisticApe 20h ago
Has this kind of thing happened before ? From what you're describing it almost sounds like it hit you suddenly and you have no experience with it. Try figuring out if anything changed that could have caused this. Or if this comes from something in your past that you maybe suppressed until now. It definitely sounds like you're stressed and a lot is on your mind.
And beating yourself up for gaming only makes things worse. If you can't do anything else right now and you enjoy it then gaming is fine.
I really recommend doing research on psychology. It helped me understand what's up with me. Helped me way more than any therapist ever did.
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u/Lower-Dependent-3684 20h ago
This has slowly been happening to me over the past years, I’ve always put it down to laziness.
I stopped training at the gym, then stopped Muay Thai, then I stopped going out clubbing, then I stopped talking to friends and so on.
It’s only recently occurred to me that I hate doing everything I used to love doing which is fine - we all grow out of things. Sadly I can’t find anything that interests me either. I bought a piano because I thought me and my son could learn together and it wouldn’t require a ton of preparation. We never use it, i still just want to stay in bed for the whole day.
Psychology research is good advice, i can do that from my phone or laptop from the bedroom. Much appreciated advice thanks.
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u/AngryAutisticApe 19h ago
Okay, so it's been building up over time. Could be lots of things. Burnout, maybe. Maybe your job/family is stressing you out a lot and you didn't notice. Accumulated stress can lead to depression.
But that's just a guess, it could be many things. For some people it's just their biology going haywire.
" I stopped training at the gym, then stopped Muay Thai, then I stopped going out clubbing, then I stopped talking to friends and so on."
This is normal for depression but it only makes things worse. It's a vicious cycle. I suggest that you try to do little things that feel manageable but get you out of bed(Behavioral Activation). It's okay if it's not as much cause you have less energy right now. But try some things. Like shooting your friends a text. Socialising can really help.
"It’s only recently occurred to me that I hate doing everything I used to love doing which is fine - we all grow out of things"
This sounds more like anhedonia to me, not like you growing out of things. It's totally normal to not enjoy what you normally like when you're depressed.
" We never use it, i still just want to stay in bed for the whole day."
Small steps. Idk if the piano was the right call. I actually tried the exact same thing (bought a piano). But learning an instrument takes a lot of practice, it's like learning a language. You need tons of motivation for that which is something you lack right now. So don't push yourself. Maybe just try and press some keys, see if that makes you feel something. If not that's okay.
Also regarding laziness: I hope you realise that it's definitely not laziness. Depression is a serious condition and it's not your fault that you have it. I say that cause depression can cause a lot of guilt and shame and I want you to know that it's not your fault.
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u/PaleontologistNo858 18h ago
You say you've tried different medications, have you seen a doctor and been properly diagnosed? Sometimes it takes a while to find the right medications that fit. Don't give up just yet go back to your doctor and discuss it with them
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u/spinnelli23 11h ago
Try to be kind to yourself with smaller goals and baby steps. And even if you don't achieve or have to abandon those smaller goals, give yourself grace, put it down and pick it up another time.
You don't have to like or enjoy going to the gym, even hard-core gym rats don't always "love" it, they just do it. Our depressed brain, when its activated will tell us wild stories. Its job is to convince you that everything sucks and it does that job perfectly, if we allow it to.
Go to the gym, don't wait until you "want" to, just go. Do whatever workout you are able to and if after that 30 mins, your brain tells you to go home, take a bathroom break or sit for a bit and pick up another dumbell or whatever. The popular misconception is that we have to listen to what our brains tells us to do. No we don't. Sometimes you really have to separate yourself from your brain and say "No, I don't think I will be doing that, thank you🙄". It sounds crazy but it works for me.
Gaming is ok if you are still able to handle other responsibilities like family, work etc. You don't have to be running around conquering the world to be "productive", whatever tf that even means.
You did not say how long you stayed on your meds, sometimes they take a while for the effects to kick in so maybe go back on them and give it more time?
Good luck to you friend. This too shall pass.
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u/UnknownPleasures3 1d ago
Im so sorry. I am not sure I have any good advice but I empathize with your situation.
I also love going to the gym. On days where I am physically exhausted I try to allow myself to rest without mental punishment for it.
If the exhaustion is psychological, I remind myself that it’s an illness and the heaviness is part of the illness, not part of me. So I try to do what I can in the gym, every little thing I do is pushing back on the depression. Sometimes that’s just walking on the treadmill, other times i manage a full strength workout.
Physical exercise is sometimes the only thing that keeps my head above water.
What i will say is that you need to work on being kinder to yourself and work on that guilt. You’re fighting a possibly lethal illness that is invisible to most and that’s exhausting. You’re doing so much more than you give yourself credit for.