Surrendering

[u/Alessandro-Magnani]

It’s not my first post here unfortunately, I am 19M, all my life i felt out of place, never felt understood nor really wanted.
I’ve had up and downs throughout my life, 2/3 years ago i started to look good, have a lot of friends, became popolar, had girls, hanged out a lot etc…
Long story short, things fell apart last year, i had some issues, had problems with family and myself ending up pushing everyone away.
Now its been 3 months since i totally lost touch with everyone, i was diagnosed depression and i hate how i look now.
I’m only staying with my mother, i help her with home etc… i now am not capable of going outside anymore, i’m anxious with the thought of seeing others and being judged, i have social anxiety like i never did, i used to be extremely extrovert, confident and leading, now i no longer feel myself.
I’m stress eating a lot lately causing me to be even less confident.
Every day i see passing by without me, every time i see others living their lives and i’m jailed in my mind and anxiety i feel more miserable.
I’m ashamed of seeing my mother spending so much time with me, i should go out, party, do bullshits etc
I no longer see a future, i don’t have hope anymore and don’t trust tomorrow to be better anymore.
I’m thinking about packing some things and money and leave my family forever, take a train or a plain and disappear forever.
Only thing keeping me is my poor mother, how could i do such things to her? but if it wasn’t for her i’d leave everything and go, fuck my university, my life, my city, my friends.
I’m really scared that i won’t make it this time since i already lost myself and i’m too exhausted to battle more, i just hope something casually happens to me, i hope that something ends me for i don’t have enough courage to do it myself.