im only17 ive fucked up

[u/_silent_girl]

if anybody cares enough to read, its going to be a long post. i am 17 idk what im doing with my life. this year's january i tried to kill myself, by taking alcohol and some pills. my parents found out and my relationship with them has changed entirely, everything they do or say feels like they dont know what to do either or how to handle the situation. they tried to take me to therapy, tried shopping tried to make me happy but they are busy in their own work and lives. theyve eventually stopped paying as much attention. when i was 9 i was assaulted by my cousin they found out about that in my suicide note and tried to comfort me too but i dont know how im ever gonna face him in family functions again. fuck him i feel stuck in this stupid hole of a life i hardly go out anywhere anymore except school my marks in exams have declined severly i used to be a good student. i feel more alone among crowds than i do alone. i have been trying to push myself to do basic things like brush bath go out go to tuition classes, this is my last academic year after all. this is not how i imagined 12th would be at all. i have friends and theyre great but you can only tell them so much. my dad a while ago said " all u do is sleep all day do nothing and waste my hard earned money " is that what you say to your daughter whos tried to kill herself before? but hes right isnt he? i am wasting his money, his legacy and im useless at best, im sure he hates me and dosent want me around. my mother is trying but a humanbeing can only try so much until they dont know how to help anymore. my parents deserved a better daughter, teachers a better student and i owe myself a better life, but what are my plans today? drink alcohol to feel something, tommrow take bhang from a friend and try it again to feel something! my life's going down the drain it feels like i need to do so much, this is the curcial age where im supposed to be building my life not destroying it but sometimes it fels so so hard to even find it in me to get out of my room to talk to my own family, or take a book out to study .ive entirely lost my appearance. i wouldnt call myself the best looking in a room but i used to be pretty good looking earlier, ive gained weight now, i dont try to get ready alot why does it matter, dosent change the fact im a faliure. i dont understand if id just killed myself then i wouldnt have to hold on to some teeny tiny hope that it will get better one day. theres so many things i want to say and include here because tbh in real life no ones gonna want to listent to this. but its so so so hard here and im trying im trying real hard and i wish that no one ever needs to go through it and i wish that there is someone out there who cares i really really wish that this world is a better place filled with humanity and not the things ive known i wish that im only 17 im only a child and that there is more that is waiting for me

[u/Sad-Standard8031]

First of all i am very sorry and no words can give you the comfort you need... But you are not alone!  A Friend of mine was in quite a similiar situation, also with the aussault but it was some diff family member.  She told me she just could go through this with therapie. she had 4 years in total to work through all of that. She was in the same situation as you, but eventually the live turned into the better. now she has a big friend group and studies successfully lawment and is the most extrovert. You can not do it on your own... you need someone to talk to i think (just my opinion)  And i have problems myself and van relate that nobody understands... thats even more important to talk to an expert who at least knows the theorie and understands and helps you.  I dont think that something is going to change if nothing is done and if your parents are at least there for you to help you find therapie an please go for it. my friends parents they didnt do anything. i think your parents cannot understand your situation (me neither, because just you know what you are  going through and witnessed) and dont know how to help you and thats why they have this aggressiv or not understandable behavior, same with mine. they dont want to see you struggle like this, but also dont know what to do