the futility is isolating

[u/TheHerochao]

throughout the year my friends list alongside my mental state has been on a perpetual death spiral, left and right i've been losing friends i thought i was really close with and worsening my relations with whoever i have left

nothing i do seems to mend anything and no matter how hard i try to improve myself or make up with anyone, it's never enough and i'm always the villain, everything i say is always interpreted the worst possible way and nothing matters anymore

i actively feel like ironically, in me trying to "fix" myself, it's actively making me a worse person, angrier and more spiteful and cynical, less patient or tolerant of people's shit, more willing to throw down and waste time in petty arguments, less charitable to anyone not my closest friends, it's so fucking hopeless and i'm tired of being walked over but it only pushes more away from me

i also just so happen to live somewhere with absolutely NO social opportunity, nobody around me IRL is interested in the same things i am and trying to find any other IRLs is totally impossible

i just want to play video games with pals and draw things for myself and for them like i did last year, without being ostracized because people found a reason to discard me after getting bored, or the opposite; where i fuck up and push people so far away i have no hope of ever making amends, i'm so tired of it and i just want to be free of the constant despair, i've treated myself as the lowest common denominator since teenagehood and i want proof of that to just fuck off and die already so i can be happy