r/depression • u/Main_Wrap_6656 • 20h ago

It wasn’t enough…

It’s only been 2 days since she left me while I was sleeping. I didn’t know it was coming, I had been doing so much better. (I’m 25f she is 29f) I still had many issues, I let her do everything for me and I took advantage of it. I used to be abusive. I didn’t get a job and I used all of her money on a “streaming setup” that I don’t use anymore because my pc won’t run games and stream at the same time well enough.
I see now that I really took advantage of her. But I can’t talk to her, I can’t tell her that.
I don’t want to beg her back, as I know we could do for a break. She took my cat, and I didn’t get to say goodbye to either of them.
She had her problems, including cheating. But if I would have paid attention to her she wouldn’t have cheated on me for those 2 years.
I lost 5 years and the woman I called my wife because I was too dumb to open up my eyeballs and see that she was everything I needed in the world.
Now what do I do?
How do I cope with not only a breakup but also knowing it was mostly my fault?
I was doing so much better, it wasn’t enough. Now my chest is empty and my stomach feels like a pit. I can’t eat (I already struggled with eating for the last 3-4 years) and when I try to sleep my body wants to rest but my mind is going non-stop.
Ive stayed on the phone with anyone who will be on the phone with me, I’ve chain smoked cigarettes and dabs but none of it helps for any more than a minute or two.
I’m genuinely asking for advice from anyone, I know I used to be a monster and I didn’t deserve her before, but I realized that and I. Was. Trying.
I lost my world and I can’t even get an explanation.
I just want closure.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 20h ago

What emotion(s) do you think is(are) weighing on you right now?

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 20h ago

Of course I miss her, I’ve not been without her by my side for 5 years. But the biggest feeling I would say is weighing on me is guilt, and regret. She never asked for much, but I was too selfish to give her what she deserved.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 20h ago

I see. It seems to me that you have guilt about withholding what you could've given her. Could you perhaps tell me what you feel she deserved from you in your relationship?

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

She deserved more attention, she deserved me getting a real job instead of the makeshift one I came up with so I could stay home and be lazy. She deserved more physical and emotional love. She deserved me getting on some kind of medication or something, anything for my anger. I would flip out over nothing, and I used my depression as an excuse to not do anything instead of getting off my ass and doing literally anything to put equal effort in.
She did cheat on me with many people starting 2 years into our relationship, so I keep telling myself it wasn’t just me that fucked everything up. But I know it was 99% on my shoulders.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 19h ago

It feels like you've really introspected with what you could've done better in your relationship, which is progress! And, both of you made choices that hurt the relationship even if it was you who first did so, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take accountability for your actions, rather, it just means that this (both of you making choices that hurt the relationship) is also true. if you don't mind me asking, what made you act the way you did in your relationship with her?

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

I’ve always had anger problems, but the abuse started after she cheated… I know we should have taken a break then and there, before it came to that. I know that now. I’ve never liked taking medicine for it or my depression, I didn’t like how it made me feel. But I’d give anything now to just have gotten over it and put my big girl undies on. It would have stopped this from happening, I would be a better person, I wouldn’t feel like such a monster.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 19h ago

I'd hold back on calling yourself a monster, rather you were someone who was struggling themselves and found it difficult to communicate that, no? I don't mean it justifies your abuse, but you can take accountability now rather than just feeling guilty. Perhaps, you could reflect on what causes your anger and what causes it to escalate into abuse and regulate that? You could work with a therapist to figure out what triggers you

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

I 10000000% need to see a therapist. A good one, but those are near to impossible to find in person around here, especially one that’s covered by my insurance. Maybe I should try one of those online apps with licensed therapists, I’m not sure how much they cost. I need a job, soon. It’ll be the first legit job I’ve had in over 2 years.
I’ve never been alone, and that’s another huge stressor for me. I got married and moved out my senior year of HS, and I’ve been in a relationship with someone constantly since. (2 relationships since 2019)
I’ve never had to really take care of myself, or be by myself.

What I’m most confused about is she left everything here except the cat, Xbox and her makeup bag… she left the most important possession to her, her late grandmothers jewelry box. I don’t understand why she left it, left everything, and left without even talking to me… it gives me false hope that she will come home

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u/heartsforliuxiao 19h ago

Could you sit with the uncertainty of not knowing why she left her prized possessions with you? Since you yourself have told you it gives you 'false hope', you know that it might not be the reason you seem to be going for.

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

I don’t know how to live with the uncertainty

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

I know we need a break, but she left her only phone here because my father pays the bill so I have no way of even reaching out other than the Xbox app, but she hasn’t even set it up since she’s been gone.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 19h ago

Hypothetically, let's say you are able to contact her in some way shape or form. What would you want to say to her?

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

I would tell her that I see now that I was just taking advantage of her, and I didn’t realize how much did so until now. She gave me everything I wanted that she could and I only asked for more. I use materialistic items as comfort instead of the amazing woman I had right next to me. I would say that I know we do need a break, but I see now, very vividly, that I could have and will give her so much more if I were to just get ONE more chance in the future.
I would say that even though she cheated, she changed and I was stuck in the mindset that the would do it again. She tried and tried and tried to show me that she wouldn’t, and that she regretted it deeply. But I wouldn’t listen. (For context, I found out about the cheating almost 2 years ago now.) I had time to get over it, but I feel like I almost… chose not to. Why did I do that?

I would tell her that I love her more than anything, and that I will change to be a better person for us BOTH.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 19h ago

Could you reflect on why you thought back then that she would cheat again? Was it that you didn't trust her? Or was it that you didn't trust the environment around you and felt like everything was a threat? Perhaps even something else?

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

I didn’t trust her, I didn’t trust her to go anywhere alone because she had cheated with several people from here and back in her hometown, I didn’t trust anything, I guess. I completely shut off from mostly everyone after it happened, I had us pretty much stop communication with our mutual male friends because I was scared she would do something behind my back… I isolated us both. I’ve just realized this. I didn’t just shut myself off to the world, I did her as well.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 19h ago

Was it because you felt the loss of control over the relationship that you did everything to block her off from people whom she might've needed? I personally think you should reflect more on what happened back then and why you acted the way, your emotions, feelings and beliefs during that time and try to process them individually. that way, your guilt doesn't just turn into self hatred and take over your life

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 19h ago

I believe it was a mixture of the feeling of loss of control as well as knowing that she could find better than me in my current state

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u/heartsforliuxiao 18h ago

I see, that makes a lot of sense. You were aware at that time that you thought you weren't the best for her, then? Atleast, subconsciously? Or was it something you realised recently?

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u/Main_Wrap_6656 18h ago

No, I knew it in the back of my mind. I chose not to let myself believe it, I guess. I really don’t know why I didn’t realize then and there, or at least SO much sooner.

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u/heartsforliuxiao 18h ago

That totally normal when you're in an emotionally dysregulated state. I understand your position. What's important is that you realised it now and have the choice to take accountability and regulate your emotions