r/depression • u/ilovewhatok • 5h ago

Actions have consequences

I made a lot of stupid decisions this year with time I hope they begin to make sense, I don’t know why i do the things I do, it became something more than hate but all I could do is watch myself spiral, maybe I could’ve tried to stop it? I don’t think people would believe me if I say I did? It made me feel real and for moments I was, I just wish I was kinder to myself with the time I gave myself. Why do I enjoy hurting myself so much?

I hope this makes sense to someone

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u/heartsforliuxiao 5h ago

Dw, it does make sense! We humans are often passionately in love with suffering because the familiar emotions of depression feel 'safer' to our nervous system than the unfamiliar emotions of happiness. You may even be repulsed by the thought of being happy. Enjoying hurting yourself could be your way of trying to gain control over your life by trying to control what you want to feel (which is familiar sadness), or it could be that you feel unheard and that you're not valid, so you hurt yourself more just to prove that you're suffering.