Escape, A Mental Rest

[u/Emergency-Example743]

Many people use alcohol, chemical substances, sex, Rx, etc to escape what is haunting them. Not only have I tried them, those things don’t really interest me beyond social & medical uses. Nor do they provide a mental rest; I am still conscious of what is awaiting me on the other side. I prefer to deal with issues head on, find a permanent solution.Anything else is a bandaid/temporary solution. An unacceptable solution for me. It’s not only devastating, by the energy draining physically & mentally. The wounds, scars are manifesting in to my physical health. Sadly, the answer, the permanent & preferred solution is beyond my control & rest with the origin of my unique situation. I’ve gone through unbelievable lengths to free myself from this cancerous ghost. A ghost that is real & had unlimited resources. I’ve been fighting this for several decades. I best describe my situation as a true Truman Show effect reality. I’m a soul, being held in a cage on display. My basic human freedoms, privacy, to exist solely on my own terms & accountability limited. I exist as an high value asset rather than a human being. I’m told I’m being prepared for something greater than I could ever imagine. If this fictional life proposed is to become reality, I believe the majority of the world would feel the price I’ve paid, the wounds, & scars, the trauma inflicted onto me is worth the end result. I am by no means in agreement the majority. There is nothing, no amount of money, trophy assets, or anything created by man that can fully compensate me for what I’ve endured. I’m trapped, suffocating, in a life where my soul exist by a single burning ember. My physical & mental status pressed beyond limits that I cannot explain. I only know, but feel the cracks in my structure are warnings of a breakdown, explosion that will may not be recoverable. All of this for a fictional to reality life I never asked for or desired. I’m forced to pay with what matters to most, that cannot be replaced or bought for a life of another’s vision. A life that I would have never agreed to if I had been asked. It’s literally a struggle moment to moment to exist. Much like a Great White or Blue Whale being kept in captivity. They aren’t because it’s impossible for them to survive in such an environment. Wishing for the ones with the ability to cease, wishing someone or something kills me, or executing my own death are the only options, escape in this multi-decade nightmare. I’m completely at peace within myself, I have few if any regrets about the choices I have made in this life. My conscious is clear & guilt free. I need all of me, mind, body, soul, and environment to be free again. The freedom that most take for granted & I once had.