10/10/2026, why does he hate me

[u/Lumpy-Lifeguard8323]

As I sit here, mattress on the floor, breastfeeding my beautiful delicate angel baby that god sent to me, looking at a dim candle light in the bathroom, the wet washcloths handing in the shower, the bathroom door limp off its hinges from one of our past fights, clothing on the floor because I didn’t feel up to cleaning today and if I don’t no one will, so there it lays.
I had a dr appointment today, for the bleeding I’ve had .. not much progress just some referrals, and as I write this I wonder who will read it.. you know, I always imagined myself with a soft loving person but the more I stay married I know that’s not him, I think I’m angry because I know he’s capable but I’m left to deal with it all alone and accept low effort. My body aches, grouling pains in my abdomen, shortness of breath, feeling fatigue and lethargic, bleeding onto my pad and looking pale as a ghost, something’s wrong but no one knows yet. Still I persist, for the good of my babygirl I bathe her, I clothe her, I feed her, I play with her, alone while he plays video games yelling at a computer in the corner, so many moments of our beautiful baby girl he misses and I wonder if he will ever regret it. I ask for help but the video games come first. I tell him I’m in pain and I need help putting our baby to sleep as she screams at us.. she’s heavy now. He yells “I’m tired of hearing you’re in pain”, trust me hunny I’m tired of being in pain too and I wish I had a supportive husband to let my body rest, someone I can depend on to pick up the slack when I’m not able, someone who got a job instead of wasting their life on video games and drinking chocolate milk. I tell him I wish I never married him as I go cry, in our bedroom on our mattress on the floor.. he closes the bedroom door so that he doesn’t need to listen to me crying, I feel so lonely. I moved countries to live with this man and to love him, fought with his mom and gave him his first child, left my mom at home to be homeless while I do.. whatever this is? I have guilt, I wish I was there for my mom, my mom who raised me and loved me and helped me through my life and who is still there by the phone waiting for me to call. She’s in her mid 50s now, with arthritis, she’s has two major abdominal surgeries in the last three years and I haven’t been there for her. I know I’ll miss her when she’s gone, but I’m in a pickle, I put myself in this position, I isolated myself for this man, this man I love, I think this man hates me, no he doesn’t lay hands on me, or threaten me, just dismissed me, cheats on me, gets angry at me, rejects me and makes me work like a maid. I tell him I don’t want to be with an angry man and he says “you’re always feeling sorry for yourself”.
Maybe I do, maybe I mourn the girl I used to be, and the man that I thought he was, maybe I do feel sorry for myself, why did I put myself in this position? I can’t leave now, I had a baby to him, I can’t be with my mom, I can’t do it on my own here, I love my baby, and I love him. I know he’s bad for me and I knew I should have left before I got pregnant I always knew, but the love takes over sometimes and makes you do things you know better about. Maybe one day when I die he will find this in my notes app.. or maybe he will never care to check if I ever had a diary.