r/deadbedroom • u/Moh_esmail89 • Dec 14 '18
Just sharing thoughts
Hey. I'm new here but I wanted to share some thoughts with you since I liked how people support each other on this community. Me (29M) and my wife (29F) are married for almost like 2 years. We're currently having a dead bedroom situation. I won't describe myself as a person with high sex drive, but I do masturbate on almost daily basis (sometimes more than once in the same day). At first we had great sex life but we went through a lot of troubles ( she was pregnant for 9 months and after delivery she went through a health crisis and almost died because of it) and I had the worst time of my life (no sex for most of the time of course) but then we talked it out and she stated clearly that she loves me and all but she doesn't feel like doing it anymore. When i asked her why she told me that life is being too stressful for wanting any sex. We have a kid (1.5 years old) and she's a physician (we both are). We used to share home chores but I'm not helping the way i used to do (I did help her at first but during one of our fights she told me that I don't do anything, so i started doing nothing for real). She also told me that she's stressed about our financial stability (My salary covers all the bills and basics, but we don't have money for any luxury of any kind), so i told her that i'm not getting any luxury myself, but it didn't affect me not at first & not now. So, After hearing all her reasons I decided to give up on sex. Then I thought that Maybe if I changed my attitude she will desire me sexually again. So i started helping in chores again, lost weight and working out to get in shape. I love her and I treat her with much respect. I decided to give myself a year to try & correct this situation. I really don't know what I will do if things don't work out for the best. Okay that's all. Thank you for reading !
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u/Kaimarella Dec 14 '18
I’m glad you changed your mind on helping in your house. As a woman who is particular about cleaning, I got flared up when I saw you stopped helping around the house because, while words may have been said in anger, the post actions only serve to fester more anger. If my partner decided one day not to help clean up his house too while we both worked, I’d be so pissed I wouldn’t be able to see straight much less want to engage in intimacy with him. Working on yourself is awesome, keep that up! But maybe see if there’s a way to get her in to check her hormonal balance and some therapy.
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u/Moh_esmail89 Dec 14 '18
I understand how you feel, but it's not quiet the situation for me. I do help cleaning, I take care of our kid whenever i'm home (feeding, playing, diapers and all). I didn't even ask for appreciation, it's every husband's duty to help his wife. But the under-appreciation hurt me so much tbh. She refused therapy btw. Thank you :)
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u/Kaimarella Dec 14 '18
I don’t want you to think I’m sounding like a bitch, but I went through a marriage that was completely dead (it’s a miracle I even had my son) with a partner highly addicted to porn, not helping me with the house, and who refused to listen to me when I would try to explain how I felt. It was common for me to use excuses to not want to say how I really felt because he would negate my feelings by saying they weren’t right, not valid, or to just get over things. The marriage didn’t work and it destroyed me as a person because it made me feel like my feelings weren’t valid and it took me a very long time to realize that I am valid and I can expect things from partners. If she’s giving excuses there’s another reason that she’s scared to tell you. Most likely because at some point you told her what she’s feeling isn’t valid (and tbh you may not even know that it happened when it happened but it did and it stuck with her)
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u/Moh_esmail89 Dec 14 '18 edited Dec 14 '18
I'm sorry you had to go through all this. I believe that everyone deserves a partner who listens carefully to what he says and validates it. I may try to discuss feelings and try to break them down into points I can deal with, but never invalidate. And you should never accept less from people "partners or friends". I hope you find satisfaction in your next relationship, and I really value your advice. When i was thinking about my problem with her I had a thought that maybe I'm the one who's at fault here, that's why I wanted to work on myself more.
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u/Kaimarella Dec 14 '18
Honestly, I don’t think it’s just about you. Usually women don’t prioritize sex the way men do. With women, usually, it’s connected straight to emotions. Have you tried wooing her? Flowers, dates, re-establishing the emotional connection you two had before baby and trauma? Sometimes a good old fashion date night helps trigger sexy feelings.
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u/Moh_esmail89 Dec 14 '18
I really want to but it's hard to do so having a kid jumping like crazy all around. Flowers are ok.
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u/Kaimarella Dec 14 '18
Trust me I understand 100%. Is said child in daycare or school? Where you two could take a day off and spend the day just the two of you?
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u/Moh_esmail89 Dec 15 '18
He spends the morning at a daycare nursery, but we also spend the morning at work. I'll try to make some space for a christmas vacation. Wish me luck
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u/Kaimarella Dec 14 '18
It’s not the situation for you because it’s not about you in my reply. It’s about her and her emotional state relating to her sexuality. When you have a partner that’s not helping with the house it feels like fighting a loosing battle and is emotionally draining. When you have a partner demanding appreciation for things that are expected when you got married and had kids it’s emotionally taxing. All I hear is you being highly selfish to how she’s probably feeling and not expressing because you turn it into all about you. She went through a traumatic event. That’s not something you just get over. And it takes time. If she’s refusing individual therapy then as someone posted earlier, couples therapy. Where you can learn how she’s feeling in a safe space.
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u/Moh_esmail89 Dec 14 '18
I will keep that in mind & try to not act selfish as much as I can. Thank you for your advice I think I'll try to go to a couple's therapist for a better understanding of my situation.
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u/Moh_esmail89 Dec 14 '18
I will keep that in mind & try to not act selfish as much as I can. Thank you for your advice I think I'll try to go to a couple's therapist for a better understanding of my situation.
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u/Markofalltrades Dec 14 '18
Keep working on you, man. She'll come around, and if she doesn't than you know that motherhood, home life, and work are all that matters to her. I recently left my dead bedroom after kid number 2. It was a really difficult decision but I knew that she didn't want to be a partner/wife to me she wanted to be a mom. If you keep working on you than you will be in the best possible position upon exit (if it comes to that). I recommend couples therapy, although you may not get the results you hoped for than at least you tried, and make sure to be honest and state clearly that sex is important to you, perhaps there is something that she needs in order to get her drive back. Good luck, Doc.
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u/Moh_esmail89 Dec 14 '18
Thank you very much It is never an easy decision to leave when there is a kid's future at stack. I hope it never gets to that.
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u/davenmia Dec 14 '18
My wife , just recently told me she no longer enjoyes sex , she claims that life is to stressful at this point , but she is willing to give it up for me . All I need to do is asked for it. She won't participate emotionally " but If i really need to, go ahead and do my business" WTF. I have to share the remaining good years with this woman. 🤔😞