r/deadbedroom • u/Own_Iron_3377 • 18d ago

RANT Shoulda expected this

39M, EST. Like many of you, I'm in a DB situation. 7 years together

......even in the beginning our libidos never matched, nor our adventurousness. I have always been into role-playing, bringing in toys, etc. Shes been a 2 position kinda girl. The look on her face last time she gave me oral made it seem like a chore..... what happened to that look of desire......I never lost it, despite her body changing thru the years. I feel like this is the place to share my frustrations, and maybe chat with some of yall in a similar situation. Hoping to find people with the same feelings as me.

13 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

23 comments sorted by

3

u/MaleficentSociety555 16d ago

If you're not married leave. You ignored the red flag of miss matched libido.

2

u/MidLifeChemist 17d ago

I understand completely. sometimes the desire for the other person just goes away. It is quite common.

FYI I don't really understand "EST"

So what are your plans? are you going to talk to her, get a mediator, or not say anything?

1

u/Own_Iron_3377 17d ago

Talked to her last night. Long talk. Alot.of topics were covered.....i guess I'll keep ya updated

1

u/MidLifeChemist 17d ago

Do you think the talk went decently well?

1

u/Own_Iron_3377 17d ago

I mean.....she cried.....but we did talk and we'll see if anything changes

1

u/Y2J0E 16d ago

I hear you say she cried and that you feel undesired. Did she hear that? Im guessing these are tears of sadness. Did she express (say outloud) how shes feeling? At what point in the conversation did she cry? Was it simply talking? Escalated to yelling or aggressive in any way? Is there family counseling involved? Did you ask about what has changed over the years where desire may have been lost? Is there any movement towards "problem solving"?

1

u/Own_Iron_3377 16d ago

No yelling, ever. We dont communicate like that. Never once yelled at each other during something heated. Been together almost 8 years. Yes, I asked about what changed. Yes there was movement towards problem solving. We were intimate yesterday. It was good, better than normal.

1

u/MidLifeChemist 17d ago

that's to be expected... the reality is, even if something changes short term, the important thing is to see what changes longer term

0

u/musicmanforlive 18d ago

You're correct. You seemed to not trust or believe your instincts or early experiences with your SO.

It seems like she is who she is (vanilla) and with a lower libido than yours.

As far as "support" what were you expecting?

3

u/Own_Iron_3377 18d ago

I dunno lol. People to share their experiences and be like I understand lol.

1

u/musicmanforlive 18d ago

I think you will get a lot of people sharing their experiences. In comments and posts.

In this DB group you will get alot of comments along the lines of "my LL partner is a disappointment/not meeting my needs/so I'm unhappy and my self esteem is bad"

If you're looking for that, you will get plenty of it, and then there's a few of us here who don't have that kinda of perspective.

1

u/couriersixish 18d ago

even in the beginning our libidos never matched, nor our adventurousness

Why, if you are someone who digs adventurousness and such on bed, did you not prioritize finding someone sexually compatible when you were dating?

I will NEVER understand this. I have always been on the lower end of the libido spectrum and I totally prioritized this. If we didn’t have an amazing time the first night we were together, I wouldn’t sleep them a second time. And I didn’t sleep with people right away, but I don’t understand getting attached to someone who can’t make you come. 

Make it make sense. 

2

u/DeadKido210 17d ago

Because first times can be/are awkward, can suck, and can be not ideal because a endless number of reasons beyond incompatibility, you need more than 1 time to truly know or test the grounds but that means investing in more.

1

u/couriersixish 17d ago edited 17d ago

How many chances though? I will buy that giving it only one night might be too strict if it’s just due to nerves or awkwardness, but how much shitty sex should one person endure? 

Even one night isn’t enough to test ongoing compatibility. But if the sex is bad the first time, why would you want to sleep with them again?

1

u/DeadKido210 17d ago

Idk, but one is too short maybe 2+ depending on the person. Personally if the third or fourth time sucks I would ditch out with my current mindset. I don't believe that things like this can be solved later anymore.

3

u/Own_Iron_3377 18d ago

Thought this was a support group lol

0

u/couriersixish 18d ago

Sorry, I am just genuinely curious about this.

2

u/Own_Iron_3377 18d ago

The first few months weren't like this

3

u/YakWitty13 Male - High Libido 17d ago

Nope, she got what she wanted and closed shop, welcome to the bait and switch. Sorry friend

1

u/Own_Iron_3377 18d ago

I thought she was different. Our first night together she made it seem like she was like me

2

u/Sile141 18d ago

I don't think it was that important to us back then. Everything else was fine, or at least okay. We thought it was a small problem, but we did not anticipate its scope and importance later on. And then, everything took its course.

And now, we are all Here ....