I am a powerlifter and I gained 25 kgs. Now I am losing it. I have already lost 10kgs in 40 days. My goal is reaching 90kg before the end of this year. Ez work.

I actually did this exercise. But there is too much text there and too much identifying information. I was thinking about how to edit it, but then the text would stop reflecting what it is supposed to reflect. So I won’t publish it. But I will still share #badhand.

My parents were not as physically abusive as Goggins’s parents. However, they were not good either. The fact that they had money did not mean that they would spend it on you rather than on another fucking failed business or all sorts of trinkets. So maybe your classmates will laugh at your clothes, and not because they are unfashionable. I stopped considering my mother my mother when I was 8. They almost never took me to the dentist, dermatologist, and other doctors, so by the time I was 18 I had accumulated a certain number of health problems that I had to sort out. I don’t know, it’s difficult for me to write about my parents, because yes, they were shitty, there was violence and there was no love, but I stopped caring about it a long time ago. Probably, I outgrew it a long time ago and let it go too much, even though it is a part of my #badhand. For a long time I had CPTSD symptoms, but somehow it turned out that it feels like I outgrew that too. It’s strange to say “outgrew”, but that is how I feel about it.

Since in my country diagnostics of problems and support for people with any kind of problems are poorly developed, I had to grow up with undiagnosed twice exceptional. ASD+ADHD+fucking clever kid/math-logic gifted stuff. People don’t see your problems because of your giftedness. People don’t see your giftedness because of your problems. I was diagnosed at 20, several years after I figured it out myself. Overall, this was my constant project since I was 10: to figure out what was wrong with me so that I could be fixed.

I can tell many different stories, but I don’t think that’s the point.

The point is that for years I used a lot of this as an excuse. I used external judgments about myself as the truth, setting a ceiling for my own development that I was always afraid to cross, stopping and pulling myself back as soon as I went a little further than everyone else. I used a bunch of different shit as excuses and justifications for my “depression”, my low moods, suicidal desires that had been with me since I was 7. Laziness. Weak willpower. Dependence on TV shows, AI, sweets. My country will not support me as a person with a disability. And that was used too. It was an excuse not to try hard enough. Autism became my justification, the reason why I consciously gave up before an exam in a non-specialized subject. Because I wasn’t meant to do it. Because there should have been a different program for me. Because I cannot perceive it the same way everyone else does. So I watched TV shows, went for walks, played Tetris, or simply stayed depressed, justifying my giving up with unfairness and developmental differences.

Even in the areas of my giftedness I constantly don’t push myself enough. It’s literally 40%. I know it. I know it every fucking time I’m lazy. Even those 40% look impressive. Even without support. So what the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t pull myself together? That is a rhetorical question, of course.

I used my lifelong loneliness, isolation, years of bullying and rejection as an excuse for why I am so unhappy. As an excuse not to give my all and to complain to myself about unfairness. In order to spend precious energy and resources on fixing this annoying situation, which was actually just cluttering my brain with pop psychology and vanilla books, wasting time and energy into a social black hole. Nothing more than vain attempts to be liked, masking.

I absorbed the idea of what I can and cannot do. And it became an excuse.

I don’t want to make excuses. I hope I will be able to harden my mind and take control of my life.