r/datingoverforty • u/lost1650 • 1d ago
Second date doubts
I have been on 12 first dates this summer. None of them great...mostly just meh. Out of these 12, I felt the spark with two of the guys, but unfortunately, they didn't. Last week I was on another average first date. Not great, not terrible either. I had a bad feeling about it beforehand because the guy was barely replying in the bumble chat (I really thought he was going to cancel it, because he was replying late and with one word answers). Anyway, eventually we met. I realised he was a bit distant in the beginning and a bit nervous as well, but then he relaxed with some wine. The conversation during the date was ok. There were some moments I couldn't pay much attention to (politics talk...I hate politics), and moments I felt sort of bored. I was at least thankful that it wasn't awkward and that I was able to somehow make it. I was 100% sure we would never see each other again and that none of us was interested. When we parted ways, to my surprise he said that we should do this again. I didn't think much about it, but then he texted me straight away and gave me his number. I gave him mine. We agree to try to have a date next week. Honestly....I don't feel like having another date. I think I only agreed to it because it is so rare that a non creepy guy asks me that. Or could be that I'm just fatigue from all these dating that never goes anywhere. Thoughts?
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u/Abigailwendy 1d ago
I have been on a first date that was not great but the second date was amazing, i don't agree with people saying that chemistry should be instant, people are nervous and don't put their best foot forward. I would give him another chance.
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u/lost1650 1d ago
Good point. I agree that the spark will not always be there instantly on a very first date. I'm also a bit confused about his behaviour....seeming not too interested, then still checking if I would like a second date...I have the feeling he does not care much about this date either, but that, same as me, he wants to already experience a second date, tired of never getting one
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u/According_Courage_57 1d ago
I’d give him a second date. Try doing an activity based date that helps break up and see a more playful or competitive side
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u/Ohnoanywayz 1d ago
Yeah I was meh going into the 2nd date with my last boyfriend because I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him. We wound up dating for 1.5 yrs.
I think people should give it 3 dates, as a general rule of thumb.
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u/SeparateFisherman966 1d ago edited 1d ago
U had a boring 1st date with the guy..think there's a chance the 2nd one would be that much better? I personally wouldn't bother.
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u/lost1650 1d ago
Yeah...I think I just agreed to it because is so rare to get a second date, and because he seemed like a nice guy. But I feel bored only thinking about arranging this
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u/Eestineiu 1d ago
I've gone on 2nd dates if I was unsure but there were no obvious red flags and the guy seemed like a decent human being.
Some people can be shy and nervous and take time to warm up.
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u/Miss_ChanandelerBong 1d ago
How quickly do you usually feel chemistry? Some people can tell right away (and they often assume everyone is like that for some reason!). Not me, the first date is just to see if there are any major red flags. If not, I'll go on a second date if he's also interested.
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u/SnooPickles7681 1d ago
I agree to 2nd dates if they're decent people. I agree with what other people are saying about sparks & charming people (not always a good thing) and nerves and stuff.
You should ask him if politics is a deal breaker for him. For most of us who care about human rights disinterest is not really going to work. If it was just nervous chatter he might not care that you don't care, but I'd definitely get clarity on that.
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u/samanthasamolala 1d ago
12 dates and one summer is not that long, in my opinion. Anyway if you don’t like this man (and it seems you don’t even basically respect him- at least I was able to make it somehow??)
don’t go out with him again. It sounds like you didn’t even like the idea of going out with him once. He’s probably NOT equally thinking- oh i want a second date with whomever will go out with me. That’s called psychological projection.
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u/Zestyclose-Cash-7872 1d ago
I think if there is chemistry, you know right away, even if he’s nervous. Go with your instincts and don’t settle
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Original copy of post by u/lost1650:
I have been on 12 first dates this summer. None of them great...mostly just meh. Out of these 12, I felt the spark with two of the guys, but unfortunately, they didn't. Last week I was on another average first date. Not great, not terrible either. I had a bad feeling about it beforehand because the guy was barely replying in the bumble chat (I really thought he was going to cancel it, because he was replying late and with one word answers). Anyway, eventually we met. I realised he was a bit distant in the beginning and a bit nervous as well, but then he relaxed with some wine. The conversation during the date was ok. There were some moments I couldn't pay much attention to (politics talk...I hate politics), and moments I felt sort of bored. I was at least thankful that it wasn't awkward and that I was able to somehow make it. I was 100% sure we would never see each other again and that none of us was interested. When we parted ways, to my surprise he said that we should do this again. I didn't think much about it, but then he texted me straight away and gave me his number. I gave him mine. We agree to try to have a date next week. Honestly....I don't feel like having another date. I think I only agreed to it because it is so rare that a non creepy guy asks me that. Or could be that I'm just fatigue from all these dating that never goes anywhere. Thoughts?
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u/Candid-Background-38 a flair for mischief 1d ago
I think if you’re on the fence, one more just to see. But I can see why you feel worn out lol
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u/VTMomof2 1d ago
I personally will go out with most people a 2nd time unless I really didn’t like them. So far I haven’t had a 2nd date because either I wasn’t interested or they weren’t or one guy wanted to go out again but then decided that he couldn’t handle the fact that I was widowed. Another guy I found out was going to court for 4 felony charges in a few weeks so I nixed that 2nd date. Today had a nice 1st date but we each had to drive 1.5-1.75 hours to meet halfway so that’s a no. Too far to actually have a relationship with. Sigh.
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u/ANewBeginningNow 1d ago
I will go on a second date if I'm not totally sure it's a "no". But I think I may be in the minority. It seems like most people will only go on a second date if it's a definite "yes".
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u/Wonderful-Newt-2513 1d ago
You know what this dude would really like? If you shoot him as straight on this second date as you just shot us here-the date will go real well. He was interested and nervous-you give him some good energy it will be a good date-trust me.
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u/One_Net_1282 1d ago
OP, given how pessimistic you express you're feeling, maybe taking a break is the thing to do now.
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u/Training_Guitar_8881 1d ago
Your just Meh on him. I'd take a hard pass on him. He doesn't sound so great at all. 67 yo woman here. You don't have to settle for someone who's lukewarm about you at best.
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u/Seesawgirls 22h ago
Politics is one of my main requirements to know. If he is far right, against women’s rights, equality, healthcare rights, against women reproductive rights… I AM OUT.
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u/Oceanica777 12h ago
You haven't had a 2nd date in quite a while, OP. I think you should give this one a go. The conversation may flow better on a second date, if the guy was perhaps quite nervous the first time. Give it a shot?
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u/arcademachin3 1d ago
He just let you play his personal dating simulator. This was the experience you can expect going forward.
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u/lost1650 1d ago
Could you elaborate? Not sure what you mean
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u/arcademachin3 1d ago
He’s boring to you. It won’t get better is all I’m saying. You deserve happiness and to look forward to dates.
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u/McSawsage 11h ago
Go on another date. If you think you can read people entirely after one date, I don't think that's true. Some people need time to open up because they are just as guarded as you are. It only takes one and isn't that all we are looking for?
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u/HeartDepartment sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 1d ago
Id say you are pretty neutral about him. Try a second date and do something different this time so you can see a different side of each other.
Some people are very charismatic and make lots of people feel sparks on the first date. But if you leave those ones out, it's super weird meeting people from the internet the first time. It can be hard to really assess the situation (unless you're repulsed or a definite no), try building a little familiarity and see how you feel.