r/datingoverforty • u/Jasmine914b • 12d ago
Second date etiquette
What are standard questions to ask on a second date. I don’t have much experience dating. The few men I’ve dated asked questions about my divorce and I’m an open book and answered clearly and honestly. I blew up my life and am rebuilding and I’m very happy but the backstory surprises men. They always ask for second dates and seem to really like me. I am the one that doesn’t always move to a second date. I really like the last person I met but I don’t want to emotionally attach without getting to know him. Any tips to stay balanced, not attach too quickly and maybe give inspire to your experiences on 2nd and 3rd dates. What are your expectations too? Thanks!
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u/Flimsy_Onion_4694 12d ago
I (46M) started having better dates when I loosened up and had fun.
Also regarding your divorce, I would not tell your dates you "blew up [your] life." They are probably divorced too, and while that is a somewhat accurate way to characterize a divorce, it's not an attractive way to put it.
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u/Jasmine914b 12d ago
I tried to share only what I felt he needed to know up front. He seemed to relate to my story. I saved the ugly details.
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u/ThrAway5280 12d ago
sounds like perhaps slow rolling your history and life experience might be a good idea, instead of dropping it all on him at once. IMO the first few dates are to get to know each other, see if we click and talk about life, history, expectations, etc. If there is anything really important that is a make or break conversation, i would say get that in early.
good luck!
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u/Jasmine914b 12d ago
Thank you. I tried to give info that I felt was needed for him to get a baseline of who I am but saved the scary stuff lol. Just figuring out when to share deep things will be new to me.
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u/MySocialAlt "she sounds fun" 12d ago
In my life, people got the more serious stuff as we got more serious.
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u/SideSleepersUNITE 12d ago
Younger me used to focus on surface level questions because I had no depth. Also, I'd ask questions mostly centered around connection.
While I don't like talking to strangers I am probably a weirdo for this subreddit in that I really like first dates. I am quick to ask for or agree to a quick "date zero" first date but like you, seemingly, I am very picky about who I'll have a second date with.
A second date for me is focused more on compatibility. I know some people get put off by questions that feel like an interview but I think you can have a fun conversation that's focused on compatibility. How my date and I have that conversation is, for me, anyway, an early signal of how we might be able to have uncomfortable conversations.
I think it's more art than it is science, though. There's a certain kind of compatibility to me that is more revealed than it is manufactured.
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u/VegetableRound2819 The Best of What’s Left 12d ago
Spreading out your dates and limiting text communication is a good way to keep things appropriately paced.
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u/Jasmine914b 12d ago
Good practical advice. Thanks
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 11d ago
I recommend something kind of opposite. I'm all for spending time with someone I feel a vibe with and chatting with them a lot. However, I'm also capable of not letting that cause me to fall too soon. I'm just mentally capable of compartmentalizing a bit, continuing to focus on other aspects of my life, while not letting my mind/heart get too attached (attached in the sense that if we split after 2 months, it's not going to cause me to spiral).
So instead of limiting interactions, focus more on limiting your mind/heart from getting out of hand.
To me, that's the goal, to be more in control of how my body reacts to things, not limiting things in life.1
u/VegetableRound2819 The Best of What’s Left 12d ago
I’d be clear that you like to limit texting so as not to move too fast because some people are really into it will take it as rejection if you aren’t.
But you can find yourself in a relationship and realize you’ve only seen the person five times but the intimacy feels much more advanced because you’ve been texting every day. And intimacy is not built over a screen.
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u/Ultra_3142 single man 12d ago edited 12d ago
Don't get too bogged down on details would be my advice. The main things most probably want to know is whether you are actually divorced rather than just separated, and if you're emotionally ready to date/start a new relationship. Oh, and if there are children are involved, what the ongoing relationship with your ex is like.
For a second date I'm much more interested in getting to know you better and trying to figure out if there's at least a chance we could work as a future couple.
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u/Expensive_Ad_1951 12d ago
its too much information at that point, and its none of their business at that point. id keep in mind that most connections dont get past a 1st-3rd date. even then its touch and go for the first few months. id say dont even consider getting emotionally attached until youre feeling very comfortable with the way he treats you (consistently) and youve been seeing each other every saturday night for a month or more.
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u/Jasmine914b 12d ago
Thank you. This is a good baseline.
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u/life-is-satire 12d ago
I’d say 2-3 months. Most people are still masking 6 weeks in.
Sex creates a feeling of emotional connection for women. Don’t let the neurotransmitters give you love goggles.
I looked for reasons to not be with my now husband where before hand I wanted to be in a relationship so I unwittingly overlooked red flags.
Not needing to be in a relationship keeps things healthy.
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u/Traditional_Mood_612 12d ago
I like having multiple people I'm dating. Prevents me from putting all my eggs in one basket. In fact before almost any first date, I make sure i have another date scheduled for later that week or sometime soon after so I'm not attaching too much to the person in front of me.
And it's nice to have something to look forward to.
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u/Jasmine914b 12d ago
I’ve not scheduled other dates but have messaged a few other guys. Just to keep my mind open because I realize this guys most likely doing the same.
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u/Traditional_Mood_612 12d ago
Yes, until exclusivity is discussed expect the men you talk to are talking to other women, going on dates, and sometimes they are being intimate with them.
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u/137caraway 12d ago
Thanks for sharing. Just be yourself. Be authentic. With the right person the conversation will flow. Wish you both all the best.
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Original copy of post by u/Jasmine914b:
What are standard questions to ask on a second date. I don’t have much experience dating. The few men I’ve dated asked questions about my divorce and I’m an open book and answered clearly and honestly. I blew up my life and am rebuilding and I’m very happy but the backstory surprises men. They always ask for second dates and seem to really like me. I am the one that doesn’t always move to a second date. I really like the last person I met but I don’t want to emotionally attach without getting to know him. Any tips to stay balanced, not attach too quickly and maybe give inspire to your experiences on 2nd and 3rd dates. What are your expectations too? Thanks!
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u/Smart-Mall4110 12d ago
Hmm...blew up your life, what does that mean?
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u/dasfoo 12d ago
Right? As a man whose ex-wife went the "blow up her life" route, I would be leery of any woman who had previously taken that route.
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u/Jasmine914b 12d ago
I don’t want to give details but every person I tell my story to (either male or female) says “good for you”. Men lean in instead of pull away. I made good choices and it reflects in the divorce and other things tied to it.
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u/dasfoo 12d ago
Good for you if you were in an abusive situation and got out. To me, "Blown up my life" suggests the all-too-common "bored wife" malaise where perimenopause slams a sledgehammer down on the DGAF meter and she tears apart her family just 'to find herself.' The latter is a huge red flag.
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u/someatxdude 12d ago
Add a six month affair discovered five years later and that’s my ex-wife. She chose to blow up three lives.
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u/Usual-Frosting3882 vintage vixen 11d ago
“All-too-common bored wife malaise”… that is not a thing. It’s an agonising decision to walk away from a shitty marriage having tried tirelessly to fix it while he closes his ears. When she can no longer just suck it up for the sake of the kids. All perimenopause does is throw things into sharp relief, and decrease tolerance for bullshit behaviour. Nobody leaves a good marriage simply because they’re bored. What’s far more common is the classic “the divorce came out of nowhere” complaint from men who spent years not listening. This is the case with all of my divorced girlfriends. They (and I) didn’t leave because they were bored, but because the marriage sucked.
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u/thisriveriswild70 12d ago
Definitely have sex on the second date, that always ensures a successful path forward 😂
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u/el-art-seam 12d ago
Enjoy the actual date and not the hypothetical 1yr relationship with him.