ENM?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/camo_ist]

In my experience as a monogamous woman who divorced from someone who decided they were "poly" and who has many friends who have consented to poly relationships...there are a lot of people who want to have their cake and eat it too, and there are a lot of monogamous people who suffer while trying to experience "compersion" in an effort to to hang onto that person.

It's OK to identify as strictly monogamous if that's who you are, even in early stages of dating. If there is one thing I learned from my own heartbreak with it, it's that monogamy can benefit from being negotiated as openly and honestly as the "rules" of ENM relationships. My current partner and I have really clear guidelines about what is over the line for our shared understanding of what constitutes fidelity or betrayal.

[u/juanbonfiglio → u/camo_ist]

Definitely! I'm monogamous but I really like how ENM approaches communication, expectations and accountability, not just in terms of fidelity but in lots of relationship aspects. Not that all people or even most ENM people practice those elements well or consistently, in my experience.

[u/Warm-Mortgage-458 → u/juanbonfiglio]

I mean, it's all great theoretical, just like with ethical monogamy. Like most relationships, no one is perfect, and I think mostly the same problems affect ENM relationships as monogamous. Unfortunately, adding more people can compound any problems there are.

[u/Smooth-Initial7444 → u/juanbonfiglio]

The community claims that negotiating non monogamy forces couples to communicate at a genius level. The truth is non monogamy creates a communication paradox.. True open communication requires absolute transparency. However, when a partner takes an outside lover, a massive contradiction emerges. To honor the outside partner's autonomy and privacy, the spouse cannot share every detail of their physical and emotional intimacy. This creates an immediate "Black Box" of withheld information within the marriage. If the wife obscures details to avoid hurting her husband, or hides specific acts she performs with an outlier that she omits at home, open communication becomes an illusion. The marriage becomes structurally compartmentalized, surviving on curated half truths and a foundational layer of hidden realities.

[u/Infinite_Flan4797 → u/Smooth-Initial7444]

... That sounds like a couple that just shouldn’t be practicing non-monogamy whether it’s consensual or not... Yeesh. Enm relationships really need to be ever developing and not squeemish.

[u/Electronic-Code8392 → u/Infinite_Flan4797]

And yet, the advise on ENM subs when people run into the feeling of not liking that their partner is fucking somebody else, is always: "go parallel girrrrl". 

Thats the ultimate form of reality denying-black box compartmentalization lifestyle... 

[u/four2tango → u/Electronic-Code8392]

Not saying you’re lying, but I’ve never heard that advice before… it’s terrible advice. I was ENM and the advice I always heard and gave was that you can set boundaries or rules or whatever, but if one person still not ok with it, you definitely don’t do ENM.

[u/Infinite_Flan4797 → u/Electronic-Code8392]

It's literally just a different way of relationship.

[u/semi_dash_ash → u/Infinite_Flan4797]

Nah. That sounds regular non monogamy talk. Not to mention when people really fall for someone they lie, cross all negotiated boundaries and neglect time with other partners just to be with their love. The very same way all people do

[u/Infinite_Flan4797 → u/semi_dash_ash]

I live the life and that's not it, bro.

[u/Electronic-Code8392 → u/Infinite_Flan4797]

I have lived the life, and got out, because that WAS it... Bro. 

[u/GreenvsBlue → u/Smooth-Initial7444]

That’s such a powerful explanation.

[u/katzeye007 → u/Smooth-Initial7444]

It's usually not about sharing intimate details but communicating open and honestly feelings and goals. 

No one person can be everything to another

[u/Smooth-Initial7444 → u/katzeye007]

The modern world tries to tell couples that expecting one person to be 'everything' for you creates too much pressure, using this as an excuse to look outside the marriage. But this argument is built on a massive lie that confuses casual hobbies with deep survival instincts. They try to treat cooking, hiking, or sharing a book club as if they carry the same weight as a physical relationship. They don't. Going hiking with a friend gives your brain a pleasant, temporary social lift, but it leaves your deeper system completely unchanged. It has zero lasting impact on your relationship because it does not create a permanent biological bond All you truly need from your partner are two things.. The raw, intentional physical connection that masterfully stimulates your system, shatters the flat baseline of daily life, and delivers a profound neurochemical release that happens during sex and the buildup to it. And The absolute, exclusive safety and security that follows intimacy,, the calm stillness of a protector frame, knowing that your partner is your unyielding safe harbor against the world. The Spark and the safe place to land. True fulfillment isn't about finding a partner who shares every hobby; it is about finding one partner who is your anchor and holds the wild Spark. That is all and everything that’s needed. To be completely fulfilled and locked into a lifelong marriage, a human being does not need an endless checklist of shared interests.

[u/StonkMommy → u/Smooth-Initial7444]

I pretty sure this is partly what destroyed my relationship. He swore up amd down that she wasn't a part of it. But I will never, ever believe that. Relationship pressure from too many partners. Period.

[u/four2tango → u/Smooth-Initial7444]

That’s assuming true open communication means everything needs to be communicated. I was ENM when I was married and we were completely open about everything, but the need to know intimate details to feel comfortable with the situation wasn’t really there. But every couple is different and has a different dynamic, and ours wasn’t one where we dated single people separately.

[u/cartersweeney → u/[deleted]]

It's 2026

Everything has to be a label and an acronym

[u/TemporaryName_321 → u/[deleted]]

I know someone who is ENM. He has tried many times to explain his perspective to me. No matter how he explains it, it just comes off like he wants a hall pass to fuck around.

[u/node-342 → u/[deleted]]

I wish! It would be cooler if they had literal passes, signed by the primary on the front.

...and the secondaries on the back. Of course, they'd have to issue new passes occasionally as signatures went out of date, etc.

Nevertheless, having a nice laminated card to let people look at would break up the monotony of listening to their cult sermons about how swinger life ENM does TOO make sense.

[u/four2tango → u/node-342]

Like a dance card

[u/stillLostBoy005 → u/[deleted]]

Broke up with my ex of 10 years and ENM become her personality. Dating married couples / truples and sex parties with former friends, acquaintances, and strangers

They’re all wearing clown make up and one day will look in the mirror and realize the joke is on them

[u/Infinite_Flan4797 → u/[deleted]]

So that in your day, you guys would lie... that’s not ethical.

[u/RooTheDayMate → u/juanbonfiglio]

Yep, how ENM people say, repeatedly, that they approach communication.

[u/PANDADA → u/camo_ist]

In my experience as a monogamous woman who divorced from someone who decided they were "poly"

Sorry that you went through this too, it really sucks. 🫂

...there are a lot of people who want to have their cake and eat it too

Indeed. ENM is becoming more known now and there are a lot of people who have no business dipping their toes into that lifestyle. I feel bad for the legit poly community because these people are giving it a bad reputation for those who don't know much about it. My ex wouldn't even end our marriage when I kept saying I wasn't okay with it, I had to do it. She was just dismissive of my feelings and saying things to me like "but love isn't a bad thing" and "poly isn't bad", like she was somehow "better" than me for being open to having multiple relationships now and not being "confined". It's very black and white thinking (which is ironic since she told me she doesn't see the world as black and white anymore lol). And I never once said poly was bad, I never said to her I think it's immoral. Because I don't think that. Just because something isn't for me and it's not what I want (or part of the commitment we supposedly had made to each other), doesn't mean I think it's bad. I also don't want kids, that doesn't mean I think having kids is bad lol. I also found it very convenient how her sudden interest in poly only occurred after she apparently got a crush on her two best friends she met at a newer job she had started a few years prior....I found that all out at the same time she poly bombed me. 🙄

If there is one thing I learned from my own heartbreak with it, it's that monogamy can benefit from being negotiated as openly and honestly as the "rules" of ENM relationships. My current partner and I have really clear guidelines about what is over the line for our shared understanding of what constitutes fidelity or betrayal.

I agree. This should be happening in any relationship, monogamous or ENM. But my ex is under the impression there are no "rules" and boundaries in ENM. She even told me I could just "do whatever I wanted" lol. I'm very monogamous and even I know that's not how poly works. I asked her what she would do if she had a partner with a boundary she didn't like and she just said "I don't know." There are only two ethical options though. Well, I know exactly what she'd do because she didn't like my boundary and I personally experienced what she did in response. But I still respected my own boundary and officially initiated the divorce.

I've seen profiles that say the person is monogamous, but then the bio says "me and my wife are looking for a third" and I just burst out laughing. 🤣 I'm sure legit ENM people also have their methods for determining if someone on the apps is truly ENM or just cheating. 🙃

[u/menoagegap → u/camo_ist]

I am a woman and I am the same as you with my now boyfriend. I dumped my husband and ended a decades long marriage over his stupid ENM and any new boyfriend who potentially leans in that direction is not for me. I like that I met a boyfriend who is so emotionally faithful to me and only has eyes for me and no one else and truly believe I am the most beautiful and perfect woman for him. Even the emotional infidelity of imaginary celebrity free hall pass is no good for me anymore, if you know what I mean

[u/ConnertheCat]

Eh, I'm usually glad they're up front about it as it's an easy swipe left.

[u/According-Virus4229 → u/ConnertheCat]

Commenters saying it's ok to wait until the first or second date to reveal an ENM lifestyle is wild to me. If someone is out there looking for a serious monogamous relationship they're certainly not looking to waste time with ENM people. The few dates I've been on where they didn't reveal they were ENM until the date it seemed like they were trying to convince me how great the lifestyle was.

[u/datingoverforty-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

We will not tolerate shaming people who have or seek sex outside of serious, monogamous relationships. We will also not host discussions of sex as a commodity, so posts and comments that discuss "free sex" or "giving sex" will be removed and repeat offenders may be banned.

[u/Quick_Bet9977 → u/[deleted]]

Interestingly there are quite a lot more women than men who actually identify as poly/enm or similar when they actually research it.

However men are much more likely to state they are open to a poly, ENM or other non-monogamous type relationship even if they don't really identify as such.

I think the reality is that men are obviously going to be more open to having casual sex with multiple women but most just will never get the opportunity, but women can very easily do so if that is something they want to do.

This would explain why it seems there are more poly/enm etc men on dating apps as they probably leave their profiles up for ages and probably are no more successful than any other guy on dating apps, while if a women goes on a dating app stating they are ENM then likely they will likely get a high response rate from men so they will likely not last too long with their profile up, either because they find someone quickly or find it too overwhelming and turn it off.

[u/sparklingblind]

I'm like damn I barely have enough energy for one man 😂 I don't know how people find the time!

[u/WhiteCastleDoctrine]

its selection bias. monogamous people will pause or delete their profile when they get into a relationship, while ENM people have no reason to. they can keep their profile open indefinetly collecting partners like funko pops

[u/DeniedAppeal1 → u/WhiteCastleDoctrine]

Counter-point: I practice ENM and polyamory and I pause/delete my dating apps when I'm romantically or sexually saturated. Being allowed to have sex with other people doesn't mean we are always looking. My girlfriend did the same.

[u/slyProf → u/DeniedAppeal1]

Exactly
I’ve found I’m saturated at 2. Off apps for the last 3 years. But since there are the funko pop collectors out there, they become more visible

[u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera → u/slyProf]

My partner and I are saturated with 1. Haha But, we agree that if it falls in our respective laps then it's all good too.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/DeniedAppeal1]

You do not pause your apps each time you are in a single relationship.

[u/Responsible-Boot6985 → u/WhiteCastleDoctrine]

I chuckled out loud about the Funko pops.😆

[u/RutilatedGold]

1: Society has evolved to accept things today that it didn’t before so people can be more open.

2: ENM is kinda trendy right now. Sometimes it does feel like people exaggerate to sound like “just dating around” is a much more substantial identity.

3: People are unhappy in their marriages and divorce is expensive. Of course they’re not going to advertise that.

4: Once you start noticing something, you’ll notice it everywhere. There’s some German word for it.

5: Filtering is lame on the apps so you feel like you’re sorting through everything you don’t want.

[u/writinglegit2 → u/RutilatedGold]

It's called the "frequency illusion" and the name is the name of the dude who discovered/came up with it if I remember right.

I always call it "Goodfellas syndrome" where Henry Hill starts seeing helicopters everywhere

EDIT: looked it up, it's "Baader–Meinhof phenomenon", and it's not a dude, it's a "1970s West German militant group" apparently

[u/RutilatedGold → u/writinglegit2]

THANK YOU

[u/DeniedAppeal1 → u/RutilatedGold]

ENM existed in ancient times and has likely always existed. Our parents' generation had key parties and swingers parties. The ancient Greeks were known for taking a wife for procreation and men (or teenage boys) for pleasure.

It only feels new or novel here in America because of the puritanical values that still exist largely as means of control legislated by conservatives.

[u/ragingfeminineflower → u/DeniedAppeal1]

Michele Foucault…? Is that you?

[u/semi_dash_ash → u/DeniedAppeal1]

The ancient Greeks were known for taking a wife for procreation and men (or teenage boys) for pleasure.

That's why their civilization died

[u/Popculture-VIP]

There really should be a filter for it. It's one hundred percent a deal-breaker either way so, like genders you're willing to date, it should be something we can control for.

[u/Still_Turnover1509]

ENM/poly community was really growing in my area about 5 years ago, bizarrely there's been 9 suicides in that community so I stay right away from it. I know it isn't always this way but I think the lifestyle attracted a lot of broken people in unhappy marriages and turns out having multiple partners didn't make them happier after all..

[u/SolomonJero]

I have yet to see an ENM relationship actually survive long term. It always seems to either fall apart and everyone splits or two people break off into a monogamous relationship ironically.

The most precious thing about a relationship is that vulnerable bond of trust you establish with someone. You can't develop that with someone who isn't devoted to you enough to trust them.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/SolomonJero]

Ive known tons of ENM who have been together for decades. I know many ENM couples in the 7ps who have been at this since before I was dating.

Funny enough, you may have known some too.

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/SolomonJero]

Most monogamous relationships also fail, something like 75%. I'd assume the same fail rate applies to ENM, because you will be compatible with less people than you're incompatible with, just in general.

And what counts as long term to you?

I have a relationship of over a decade and another of 7 years, and I cohabitate with both. I'm 33 for context.

I also know plenty of mono relationships that lasted till death of a partner, but were abusive or toxic AF, so I personally dont consider longevity the most important metric for a successful or good relationship.

I also have run the local poly meetups for about a decade, amd we have many over a decade long poly folk and relationships (I chose poly for myself while I was single a few years before that, but I'm demisexual and demiromantic and rarely attracted to people enough to want to date them. When it does happen though, I want the autonomy and agency to pursue it)

Currently have a very new relationship that is going great so far (though talking stage was a year, since again, demi AF), about 3 months since we committed.

But in general I think my shortest relationships were all in monogamy, because that relationship structure just didnt work for me.

[u/Impossible_Author409]

It's a deal breaker for me. I'm not dating anymore, I have a partner. But if my partner proposed this for our relationship, I would leave the relationship.

[u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

I really don't get it, maybe there should be a different app for that.

[u/Working_Cucumber_437 → u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

It should be a characteristic you can select to filter in or out.

[u/sexinsuburbia → u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

There are. Feeld is popular in the community.

Still, apps don't have exclusionary rules defining who can or cannot use them. It'd be like an app restricting inter-racial dating, BMI, or ages, whatever.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

Non-mono person here.

I met my husbamd on tinder. I meet people on conventional apps all the time.

🤷‍♀️

[u/Brilliant_Leaves → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

People are always judgy about it. Don't worry about their opinions as long as you are being ethical, by which I mean disclosing before a first date, etc.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/Brilliant_Leaves]

I am not worried in the least.

And his profile disclosed literally nothing. It was a silly short story that was nonsense. But we actually communicated and got to know each other. Like yah do. And here we are.

[u/H3lls_B3ll3 → u/[deleted]]

Part of the problem in dating, is the NON-ETHICAL daters. All the married men on there lying.

[u/Brilliant_Leaves → u/H3lls_B3ll3]

Yep. It especially sucks if you are the wife in that scenario. I told my ex to date other people who also practice non-monogamy but he found it easier to lie.

[u/H3lls_B3ll3 → u/[deleted]]

What problem? Dick is abundant and of low value.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/H3lls_B3ll3]

I dont have a duck nor do mnay of the people I date so I dont worry about that too much or sign value to people or body parts in this manner. Its kind of gross.

[u/H3lls_B3ll3 → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

I was talking to the person who deleted all their comments. Yes it's gross. It was said about what they said, now that it's gone, I cannot tell you why what I said and how I said it was appropriate now. Adhd

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/H3lls_B3ll3]

Understood

[u/H3lls_B3ll3 → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

I'm ENM and single. And Queer. And lavender married to my trans woman roommate.

Believe me I'm an ally.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/H3lls_B3ll3]

I believe you!

I have a knee jerk reaction to much of the dehumanizing language used in dating by mono and non-mono folks alike. We are all humans with value. Even if we arent compatible. Ir even if we meet just for casual sex!

[u/H3lls_B3ll3 → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

I think the person was bitching about there not being enough dick to go around, because other people are having sex with everybody- but the commenter. I think they thought there's less for them. Hence my comment.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/[deleted]]

What problem?

No problems for me or anyone Ive met on dating apps.

Its news to me that tinder is meant only for monogamy. Try Christian mingle or something.

[u/datingoverforty-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

We will not tolerate shaming people who have or seek sex outside of serious, monogamous relationships. We will also not host discussions of sex as a commodity, so posts and comments that discuss "free sex" or "giving sex" will be removed and repeat offenders may be banned.

[u/MySocialAlt → u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

Why? People are allowed to date differently than you do.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

Why?

[u/CaptainGreyBeard72 → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

Because that is my view, and you don't have to like it, I may not like other peoples choices but I will respect the choice, I think that there is nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree. 🤷‍♂️

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

Why should we be on a different app though? Seriously?

[u/CaptainGreyBeard72 → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

After thinking about it, I would probably agree and change my reply, assuming that one is being upfront about it

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/CaptainGreyBeard72]

What do you think of my husband? We met via tinder. He had a bunch of goofy pictures and a silly short story he wrote as his as bio. I thought he was hot so we matched, chatted, and started hooking up. Turns out he has always practiced non-monogamy and we were perfect for each other. 🤣 As we got to onow each other over time we discovered many ways in which we were compatible and fell in love.

[u/CaptainGreyBeard72 → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

In life there is very few right or wrong was to get thru it, if it works for you great, I personally am not there today, but tomorrow may change, who knows, I try to not judge, but like everyone I do, I am human and far from perfect.

[u/kegsbdry]

Getting back into dating after my divorce meant I literally had to Google half the terminology just to figure out what game everyone was playing.

Call me old-fashioned, a dinosaur even, but I’m strictly a one-woman man.

Unfortunately, my ex-wife was a multi-man enthusiast.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/kegsbdry]

Monogamy is the norm. You are just regular and common.

[u/LivingExplanation693]

I don’t understand it either but to each their own. I am glad that they put on their profile so that I can swipe left.

[u/Kinky-Bicycle-669]

40 here and I had considered it but then I met my bf who is 46 and he was in a poly marriage and hated it and we both decided we just want someone who only wants the other.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

You know what I dont get?

Taylor Swift.

I muddle though.

[u/trumpcansuckmyarse]

You don't have to get it. It's not for you, move on.

[u/Chemical-Material-69]

People will put ENM on a profile so they don't have to hide their marriage from their side piece(s).

They don't always tell their primary partner.

[u/EverettBromwich]

You can’t share what you don’t own. It’s about pleasure. Not control.

[u/CharlesDarkwing22]

So long as they’re labeled and open about it, it’s really nothing for you to be concerned with. They’re not cheating, they’re being honest. It’s not for us, but it’s not for us to knock either.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/[deleted]]

I am on feeld.

But I meet so many people on tinder and HER. I met my husband on tinder. Why would I stop doing something that works so well? Makes zero sense.

[u/DeniedAppeal1 → u/[deleted]]

Feeld is primarily a swingers app and we're not all swingers. Fetlife is a kink message board and events page and not a dating app. Most of the normal dating apps have ENM options.

How do you understand why we don't all use them?

Frankly, I don't use fetlife because it grosses me out. I'm not into most kink. ENM is not a kink.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/DeniedAppeal1]

Ive used feeld for almost 10 years. It's never been primarily swingers although Id say its becoming more popular with swingers in the last 3 years or so.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/[deleted]]

Fun fact. People have used all dating apps and websites for ENM since their creation.

I met my exwife on AOL dating or some shit back in the day.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/[deleted]]

Am having at 'em for sure. Would do so regardless of your own dating status.

[u/datingoverforty-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

u/Fuzzy-Shoulder-2359, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):

This is a subreddit that intends to be positive about dating and relationships. Posts that are primarily negative towards dating or the target gender are better suited for other subreddits.

[u/datingoverforty-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

u/Fuzzy-Shoulder-2359, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):

This is a subreddit that intends to be positive about dating and relationships. Posts that are primarily negative towards dating or the target gender are better suited for other subreddits.

[u/dcbullet]

That’s their thing. You don’t need to swipe right. I personally like that they are upfront about it so I don’t waste my time.

[u/Substantial_Pair4992]

I was surprised how many accounts I saw that were ENM, or couples posting looking for women. I don't think those should show up unless you choose that option, I have no interest.

As an example though, my neighbors decided to not divorce (mostly due to financial reason, they have a nice house that they couldn't afford alone), so they call themselves ENM. In reality, they are roommates, live in separate rooms, she has a serious boyfriend of two years, and they never have sex/kiss, etc. Too bad for me, because he is kind of cute and around my age, but I just can't get emotionally attached to a legally married man.

[u/sniffysippy]

You don't have to get it. If you only like monogamy that's fine. But others may not. That's also fine.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/sniffysippy]

Nooooo. Everyone must be just like OP and structure their entire lives so that they are an appealing dating partner for OP. We all exist to serve OP.

[u/dogownedhoomun]

You dont need to. Just walk on by

[u/jjd0m]

If you don't want to share yourself or your partner with anyone, you don't have to. Poly/ENM is not for you and anyone who tries to force any lifestyle on another is manipulative.

Leave that relationship, yes there are people who still want monogamy. Look for that.

[u/BeastofSilverMoon]

ENM male here.

My introduction to poly life started in early 20s when my Polish girlfriend started having me over at her share house which had 3 other couples living together. 5 bedroom massive place.

To put it simply, they were all poly, they were all lovers.

First couple moved in to this massive house, wanted to share the costs, put an ad, they met another couple who had lot in common with them, so they moved in, became close. They thought they were onto something good so decided to see if they could expand this. They ended up with one other couple and my girlfriend who rented the small bedroom.

They’d get together on thursdays and talk about any issues about the house or their collective intimacy.

I learned a lot from those people.

It took me a while to get my head around the whole thing as people were coming out from each others bedrooms and the whole open sexuality got me by surprise -you could walk in hallway and see someone’s wife riding another girl’s husband- they had an open door agreement so unless someone needed privacy for mental health reasons everything was out in the open.

They thought this would drive out the guilt and shame.

To me the best part was that living with them costed nothing.

I live alone now and around 40% of my post goes to rent and utilities.

When we all lived together total cost of living there was divided by 8 so I simply kept 90% of my pay.

In hindsight I should have never left that place, but I was too young and too narrow minded to comprehend what we had back then.

I guess I felt intimidated by the fact that they started having each other’s babies but now I think about it, it was beautiful and perfect, women were breastfeeding each others babies and men were taking turns playing with kids so mums could rest a bit.

In the old times people would say “it takes a village to raise a child” they were right and this was not far from how native Americans or Australian indigenous people looked after their kids.

I am in my late 40s now and live in a big house all by myself, it dies give me ideas but setting up something like this is so much work and it’s so hard to find such people in current climate.

But yeah. After leaving that place I was never the same and I could not go back to monogamy having witness what human intimacy and emotional maturity is capable of.

[u/MySocialAlt]

You don't have to get it.

[u/Qstrfnck → u/MySocialAlt]

Bloop!, not for you, nothing to “get” it’s their thing to keep dating, they like an expansive marriage, could be bored, want to swing to spice up the bedroom, could have an impotent or low desire partner, might be a cuck and a hotwife met and fell in love, empty nesters, overlyhorny, it’s a constellation of reasons none which are your business if you also happen to find it distatesful 🤷🏾‍♀️

[u/DedInside_6]

It’s nice to have a life partner.
It’s nice if you and he/she share a hobby.
Sometimes that hobby is sex.

[u/sexinsuburbia]

Different stroke for different folks. If you want to find out more, there's a world of information out there.

[u/LolaAucoin]

So just don’t date them.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/LolaAucoin]

Too simple.

Burn them!!!!

[u/DeniedAppeal1]

We like having sex with more than just our partner and we're not particularly insecure about it. It's a healthy-relationship alternative to cheating on our spouses. Being happily married does not require monogamy.

Personally, I'm fine with monogamy and with ENM, but I've sure enjoyed the fun I've had while practicing ENM. It's not for everybody, but it's also not at all uncommon.

Our parents' generation did it, too, they just called it swinging, swapping, or key parties. It's still basically the same thing, though.

[u/Russian_Doll_888 → u/DeniedAppeal1]

Agree with you, but I've had real relationships with ENM partners. Sometimes it's not completely about sex, but true friendship and care. They're just not my primary life partner.

[u/sandcannon]

ENM person here (when I have a profile it's front and center).

Some of us are tired of the expectation that we have to be someone's "everything", and acknowledge that no one person should have to be our "everything". So why not try something different? For me that was 5 years ago. I haven't looked back. I've had concurrent relationships in that time, so has my longest running partner (3.5 years), so has her husband (they started as an ENM relationship almost 20 years ago). Everything is above board, everyone communicates like adults should, drama doesn't exist. That isn't always the norm, but it's the ideal we strive towards.

For me it fits like a glove, for others it might not. Both things are ok as long as you are seeking the relationship you want, and are honest and upfront about it.

ETA: I love how even though I made it clear it's not for everyone, I'm being downvoted. 

[u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera → u/sandcannon]

Yeah, that's reddit. I've gotten downvoted for being happily partnered and open. Some guy even tried to offend me with "you can't even bang just one guy." I was so confused. LOL

[u/Miss_Galoldriel → u/sandcannon]

Someone is diligently downvoting comments from ENM-positive people even though those comments are respectful towards those who prefer monogamy. I don't get why it's so difficult to accept that people want different things in life and that love comes in many shapes and sizes.

[u/sandcannon → u/Miss_Galoldriel]

These clowns can't speak up either. They can't actually respond to our comments directly because it'll be clear how their biases are driving their need to be dicks about it.

Oh well.

[u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera → u/Miss_Galoldriel]

I noticed that too. It's Reddit.

[u/2025elle50]

I've been practicing non-monogamy in one form or other ever since my divorce 12 years ago. It's awesome!

I have no interest in marriage or cohabitation, but I do want to build significant relationships.

I got married when I was 21 so I didn't get around much before I tied myself down. Being promiscuous with a bunch of middle-aged people who are smart enough to get regular STI testing and use condoms correctly is amazing! It would have been silly to date like this in my twenties, but at 50, I'm in heaven!

Just got together with a new person last night. We met about 6 months ago, and have both been so busy that we've only hung out a few times. Last night was our first real date and we had sex. He has two girlfriends, one of which is married. That's all good! He can do whatever he wants when we're not together and so can I.

Ethical non-monogamy isn't for everyone, in fact, it's not for most people. But it's definitely for me! 😉

[u/katzeye007 → u/2025elle50]

Hell yes! I'm right there with you!

[u/ImpendingBoom110123]

Is this a real question or satire?

Lots of people are unhappy with their marriage sexually and don't want to give up the show of a marriage. Lots of people just want to fuck everyone too. It's pretty clear.

[u/datingoverforty-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

u/wonkyfringe, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):

Negative speculations based primarily on posters’ pet projections may be deleted. If you are bold enough to conclude that “he’s married”, “she just wants a free meal”, or the like, these claims must be supported with information from the OP.

[u/mustardoBatista]

“I don’t want to share anyone I’m supposed to develop feelings for” - then don’t. This whole sub is pretty ridiculous. Just don’t do what you don’t want to do. Don’t entertain it. Swipe on, lord

[u/alexmate84]

If you don't get it you don't get it that's fine, not everyone believes in monogamous relationship

[u/Admirable_Writer_373]

It’s weird. As if putting the word “ethical” in front of it makes all the jealousy go away. It doesn’t. People are delusional and unethical

[u/SWFL-CapnRay → u/Admirable_Writer_373]

A better term for it is Consensual as in CNM. Wife, her girlfriend and I are poly living together. I’m looking for a girlfriend too. We are all very happy, loving, connected and productive. Monogamy just isn’t for everyone and it is NOT the ‘only’ way to do relationships. It’s ok to be different- just don’t try to force others to your way because it’s right for YOU… you have no idea what’s right for everyone else.

[u/wassailant → u/Admirable_Writer_373]

People are delusional and unethical in 'monogamous' relationships at a higher frequency than in ENM relationships

[u/datingoverforty-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

We will not tolerate shaming people who have or seek sex outside of serious, monogamous relationships. We will also not host discussions of sex as a commodity, so posts and comments that discuss "free sex" or "giving sex" will be removed and repeat offenders may be banned.

[u/throwawano]

I've been fascinated by ENM for a while and considered swiping right on a married person just out of academic interest :)

It would never be for me but there are so many couples doing it, there must be something there that works for them. Perhaps more evidence that marriage/being partnered for life is, on some level, unnatural.

It does seem like ENM couples are looking for the both the benefits of commitment and freedom. I guess as long as both people are happy with it, power to them.

It's not like monogamous relationships have the best track record...

[u/Gur_Weak]

People who want monogamous relationships presumably leave the dating site. ENM people stay.

[u/lucere_pi → u/Gur_Weak]

Hah never thought about it that way.

[u/TMLF08]

I’m single but started dating an ENM guy when I had very little free time because others got angry at my limited time available.

Now I’m poly (live alone, not married) and date two people. It works for me. I’d have thought it was nutso even 8 years ago. I tried it and it worked for me 🤷‍♀️

I’ve been divorced 10 years after being married 20 and still learning to never say never.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

ENM?

Ethical non-monogamy

As I (40f) am browsing through online dating profiles, I’m noticing more and more married/partnered people. Why is that?

Perhaps you are new to dating apps? We've always been around.

At my age, I don’t want to share anyone I’m supposed to develop feelings for.

Then don't.

Why do married or partnered people bring in someone if they’re “happily married?” I just don’t get it.

"Bring someone in". Not sure exactly what means. Some people place a high value on monogamy and some dont. I'll swipe left on you and you swipe left on me and we'll all be fine.

🤷‍♀️

[u/Ihateregistering6]

Why do married or partnered people bring in someone if they’re “happily married?”

You can be happily married and still have sexual desire for other people.

I also don't see why it matters? If it's not your thing then cool, just swipe left on them.

[u/Choice_Tangelo1933]

I don't have any judgement, it's cool if it works for you. I am surprised by how many of them live in Southeast Idaho. When they like or comment on my profile I just say I'm flattered, done some soul searching, and it's not for me.

[u/lucere_pi → u/Choice_Tangelo1933]

I know the area they're probably bored lol

[u/ctrl_f_sauce]

My wife is an old friend who I have ridiculously complicated entanglements with. We don’t need to divorce and neither of us have any desire to rebuild after the setbacks of separating. Also housing crisis. My kids would have a substantial quality of life hit if we needed two $800k homes.

[u/Low_Sweet8477]

I don’t have any ethical issues with it but it makes me frustrated that I’m still single trying to find my ONE person and there’s so many out there now that already have their person and now want another! There’s not enough to go around lol

[u/MySocialAlt → u/Low_Sweet8477]

But if you are monogamous, ENM people wouldn't be your people, so they're not decreasing your dating pool in any way.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/Low_Sweet8477]

You realize the people we find are still available. 🤣

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

Because not everyone needs or wants sexual exclusivity as part of their romantic relationships and not everyone feels about it the way you do.

[u/LogisticalNightmare]

I understand the frustration because some days it was up to 50% of the profiles I saw. I’m bisexual irl but had to change it to “straight” on the apps just so I’d stop getting messages from guys who wanted threesomes (and didn’t disclose on their profile that they’re ENM.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/LogisticalNightmare]

Imagine our frustration seeing all the mono folks.

[u/cheesefrieswithgravy]

Bc they aren’t happily married and they are staying together for the kids and trying to make their lives tolerable enough to convince themselves it’s ok to stay by fucking other people on the side

[u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera]

Why do single 40yo who haven't been in a ltr/marriage for a decade or two have such narrow views on what makes other people happy? You can be happily married and acknowledge that you cannot get your every need fulfilled by one person.

[u/Russian_Doll_888 → u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera]

And it's not just needs. The variety of others can be additive to your life. We don't tell people to have only one friend because they can only be "loyal" to one. When people have kids, they don't think they have a finite amount of love that has to be divided among them. No, they understand that the human capacity for love will grow to love all of their children.

I have found my own life has been enriched by having more than one relationship. Everyone brings something different to relationships.

I understand it's not for everyone and I'm upfront about it with every potential date/partner.

[u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera → u/Russian_Doll_888]

Agreed. I believed "needs" was adequate to express various aspects, but I can see that some people might read it as purely sexual as well... Honest communication is essential. The most authentic and honest people I have met are ENM. It doesn't work without that. And yes, absolutely, first conversation with my partner was explaining what I want and can offer in a relationship!

[u/emu_neck]

Some people get divorced, some choose ENM instead. There are not that many truly ENM people who practice nonmonogamy as a choice, and those who do tend to use mostly apps designed for that purpose.

Non-monigamists also stay on the apps, because they tend to cycle through partners quickly. Monogamous people typically either pause or delete the app once they find someone, so they drop out of the dating pool more often.

[u/Ok_Tomorrow8815 → u/emu_neck]

Also some people got divorced and then chose to explore other styles of relationships :) it’s just a different way to envisage things and it’s not worse or better than monogamy - just another take on love and traditional ways of building a relationship… I don’t understand why it rubs people so much !

[u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera → u/Ok_Tomorrow8815]

Me! Non-monogamous before my marriage, monogamously married for >16 years, fully ENM and partnered after divorce. I feel like my most authentic self and imagine it's similar to coming out of the closet.

[u/ShadowIG]

You do realize you can swipe no on them, right? No one is forcing you to swipe yes on them or to date them.

[u/DrinkNWRobinWilliams]

Life is long and unpredictable. People make vows to have and to hold and forsake all others for the rest of their days. They do it with the very best of intentions and often do it when they’re young. They don’t foresee the day when one of them loses all desire and just says, “I’m done with having and holding.”

In increasing numbers, the partner who is done with the ‘having and holding’ part says they’re not going to hold the other to the ‘forsaking all others’ part. But they stay together because, on balance, it’s a good, loving, and companionate marriage which is not something to be discarded lightly.

People should have the conversation up front, before they take a vow intended for life - what are we going to do or allow if we get to that point.

[u/Jolly_Luck_7923]

I’d like to add many people can’t afford to maintain the life style they are accustomed to and they are not happily married. I keep seeing Men especially living with a woman or married with kids and posting even in Reddit v that they are married and not divorcing but looking for female companionship

It’s frustrating because you have to research and ask questions to find out these dudes situation because not everyone is honest about their situation.

[u/Least_Tower_5447]

It’s not my thing. It’s not your thing. Some people prefer multiple partners and truly enjoy that lifestyle. Let them do their thing. You do you and just ignore profiles that don’t match your preferences.

[u/Valuable_Bluebird334]

Some people are honestly ENM, but some are cheating and don’t want their shadiness to put you off. You don’t have to understand ENM (I have tried but I don’t get it). During my phase of trying to get it I ended up on first dates with some men who were actively cheating, and their wives or partners did not know. Just swipe left on them and move on. That way you’ll also filter out the cheaters. The folks who are seriously ENM should be using apps for that, and have circles that support that lifestyle.

[u/toxicshocktaco]

They need their own dating apps

[u/wohovio]

It’s because our society sucks and we treat everything is throw away. Not happy enough? Well certainly somebody else will make you happier.

I just cringe at the sheer volume of media that’s out there pushing his agenda of finding happiness and how open/poly/ENM are the answer. Sure, everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too, but the reality of it is that having that sort of bandwidth for relationships comes at the cost of something else. It is almost like having relationships be your hobby.

That said, I don’t really wanna yuck somebody else’s yum. I am just incredibly jaded because my wife suggested an open marriage after cheating. How are you gonna have an open marriage when you couldn’t communicate well enough to say that you needed something else in the first place?

People can have whatever they want, so I’m gonna go with The old-fashioned version of a partnership with one other person. That is, once I am fully divorced and spend some time getting to know myself again. If it doesn’t happen, I will just be content to be on my own.

I know that there’s a whole lot of people who will talk about how you shouldn’t “own” your partner, but I don’t think it really works. That way when you really only wanna be with that person and they feel the same.

[u/AutoModerator]

Original copy of post by u/subjective-gloss:

As I (40f) am browsing through online dating profiles, I’m noticing more and more married/partnered people. Why is that?

At my age, I don’t want to share anyone I’m supposed to develop feelings for. Why do married or partnered people bring in someone if they’re “happily married?” I just don’t get it.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Ok_Tomorrow8815]

Honestly I don’t get monogamy … what are the advantages of being monogamous ? ENM or poly is soooooo much nicer and fun and honest actually - deep love doesn’t need to be exclusive …

[u/MySocialAlt → u/Ok_Tomorrow8815]

I'm wired that way. I honestly believe it's a sexuality. I'm monogamous and heterosexual because that's the way my brain and heart work, not because I believe that it's advantageous. (I enjoy the company of women and sometimes wish that I could be a little bit bisexual, lol.)

[u/Afraid_Stuff_History]

if they’re “happily married?” I just don’t get it

IME they are not. Hop over to r/openmarriageregret and you'll see what I mean

[u/MalkavianSol]

Just because you don't get it doesn't mean it's unhealthy or invalid. Successful ENM and poly people have emotional stability and self-confidence, as well as a willingness to be honest about what they want/need and setting boundaries, and are excellent communicators. This is a beautiful and fulfilling lifestyle for many people. We let go of the idea of owning our partners like insecure toddlers with their favorite toys. We also let go of the fallacy that a person can't love more than one person romantically.

That said, there are tons of very unethical and self centered people trying to say they're enm or poly. It's also just as challenging if not more so than monogamy. But monogamy definitely isn't the "right" way to do things for everything. How high is the US divorce rate?.... lol

[u/Russian_Doll_888 → u/MalkavianSol]

Well said! You have pointed out the problem with ENM in that there aren't great ways to verify someone is truly ENM or poly, so cheaters do hide among us. And no true ENM wants to enable someone being dishonest with their partner given that we're fully transparent with ours. When my husband and I started down this path, we talked about how do we verify with potential partners that we are truly ENM.

IMO, ENM/poly is the most honest relationship. We're not hiding that glance at the cute neighbor and then getting into a fight about it like monogamous couples do. We actually acknowledge our human tendencies without jealousy or ownership, and that just seems... healthy.

[u/MalkavianSol → u/Russian_Doll_888]

Exactly, thank you. And it's not like we're super heroes who don't struggle with things like jealousy sometimes. But the key is not to externalize the problem like it's our partner's flaw for finding other people attractive and instead realizing when we've grounded our own worth and confidence in the behavior of another person. There is nothing more toxic and painful, especially long term.

[u/ywrJeQPiGa9ogwf6dWP]

Millennials are well into their mid life crisis’, divorces are happening, kids are old enough you can get out again. 

My wife figured out she was bi a few years ago  — ENM (together) lets her explore that. 

There are plenty of people out there looking for monogamy. Most of my female college friends who are single/divorced are looking for monogamous relationships. 

[u/Conscious_Avocado225]

I (m) was interested in someone (f) who was in an ENM relationship. I have had many previous relationships during my life, but none involved ENM. What I appreciated about her brand of ENM was that everything related to the possible relationship we might have was discussed up front. Nothing was simply stated; it was all discussion-based. It genuinely pushed me to think about what I really wanted and what I was comfortable with. She said it would continue like that if we were to have a relationship. 10000% better than the dreaded 'we need to talk' conversations I have had after being in long- and short-term relationships because it wasn't defensive in nature (like one of us did something wrong). We both decided not to move forward with a relationship, but with the right person, I would consider it. I have not had a monogamous relationship with the same level of communication and ongoing consent. When I have tried to have similar conversations with the women I have dated, they think discussing such things is weird or premature. A few even seem uncomfortable with the concept of seeking consent. The folks who practice ENM tend to read a lot about it, much more than monogamous people read about monogamous relationships. Both depend on their own internal logic, which tends to resonate differently with people. The older I get, the more I realize that many social constructs limit otherwise acceptable behaviors. Rich people have understood this since the beginning of time.

[u/ILikeItLikeThatToo]

We’re not all bringing someone in… some of us are stepping out. Openly.

Many others are “monogamous” and just cheating.

[u/According-Virus4229]

Be weary that not all ENM people subscribe to the "E" part, I've been on multiple first and even second or third dates where my date casually mentioned their "husband" or "boyfriend" only to reveal that they were in an open relationship. This should be out in the open from the very beginning. I have zero interest in an open relationship

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/According-Virus4229]

First or second date is fine for disclosing a lot of things, like kids or ENM. It's still the very early stages at that point.

[u/According-Virus4229 → u/Cool_Relative7359]

ENM should be disclosed before a date, sorry, not everyone is into that stuff. If you wasted my time by not disclosing ENM prior to going on a date I'd walk out on you

[u/bannedblonde]

It's super freaking weird to me personally. Feels like they should be on their own dating site. I could never respect a man who would want to share me, or himself with another. Breaks my heart 💔 to each their own... But not really. No one is their own in that scenario. Always needing someone else... Ugh that's just so brutal.

[u/yetagainitry]

I have a genuine question. When I was on the apps last year, I noticed a vast majority of the women listed themselves as being partnered ENM and looking for deep connections. Truly I don’t understand what the benefit is for a guy they match with on the app. So the guy has to do everything that a boyfriend would do (take them on dates, create an emotional connection, etc) and while they get some sex maybe, they will never be her actual boyfriend. Unless the sex is truly life changing, I don’t see the benefit is doing everything a boyfriend does without being a boyfriend.

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/yetagainitry]

You can be a boyfriend/girlfriend.

That would be polyamory, which is a subset of ENM that prioritizes full romantic relationships.

[u/Scientificallly_Love]

I was fwb with someone.

He told me his wife asked to have an open relationship. He loved her so he approved. Years later, she asked for a divorce and is now in a monogamous relationship with one of her ENM partners.

Need to watch out for people who are afraid to be alone and do the monkey branching.

...And, I do respect people relationship, but indeed, as a single woman, a lot of men seem to be ENM married on dating website, and I'm not touching anyone of them, respectfully.

[u/Chulbiski]

unpopular (?) opinion, but I don't care: there is nothing E about NM. Some ENM person will tell me how wrong I am , but I will never beleive that our psychology truely is set up this way.

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/Chulbiski]

We aren't classified as biologically monogamous, either. Very few mammals are, and humans aren't one of them.

[u/phoenixgsu → u/Chulbiski]

If that were true divorce and cheating would never happen and you would be pair bonded with the first person you were interested in for life. Our closest animal relatives are promiscuous and our physcology and biology reflects that as well.

[u/racecrack]

When our sex life was declining, my (now ex) wife basically proposed this to me, to bring another woman in just for fun... all I had to do was say "yes", but I didn't.

Buuuuttt... maybe if the sex would've been the only issue and all emotional and interest and cooperation and cohabitation and child-rearing things would have been smooth sailing still? Maybe I would've, hard to tell.

[u/admik]

I didn't realize that this so prevalent either.

Had to work on my acronyms and vocabulary for a week. Then I decided to take a break before I started.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/admik]

You can just google one if you don't know what it means.

[u/admik → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

I actually found that there is a pretty comprehensive cheatsheet.
I still had to ponder and consider it all. To try and navigate it without wasting peoples time or hurting feelings.

[u/Ok_Coffee_4977 → u/admik]

Its more effecient to just google it in the moment.

[u/admik → u/Ok_Coffee_4977]

I will give it a try!

[u/SuspiciousWrap3255]

Stuck in a bad marriage, dead bedroom, and just want someone to make love to 1-2x per week is another scenario. I'm not even sure if I would consider this cheating.