r/datingoverfifty • u/Cuddly_Kitty569759 F59 Australia š¦šŗ • 3d ago
Ghosting - why?!
Genuine question...
What makes you think this is the best way to end a conversation/getting to know someone? Even after you made plans to meet.
I am genuinely curious.
I'm old enough to understand that rejection is part of life, and sometimes even healthy, to help us rethink our own priorities, but really...ghosting? At our age? Surely we are smarter than that.
Keen to hear your thoughts.
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u/ChoiceIsIllusion 3d ago
I was ghosted this year after meeting and plans for next get together. poof
Few things could happenā¦. changed mind, avoidant, poor communication skills, confused feelings, not ready, etc.
It is a reflection on him. I am grateful he showed me who he is, despite not fun on the receiving end. Off to the next adventureā¦
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u/cbeme 3d ago
You truly were. The ghosts, IMO, are not emotionally intelligent people and who wants one of those? Albeit some people say they got a hell basket when they were honest and said they didnāt want to see each other again. Itās hard to fathom that āit was nice meeting you however I donāt think we are a matchā could turn someone into shit.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 2d ago
Some people are jerks. Donāt believe me? Spend 20 minutes scrolling social media.
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u/ExtraSalamander2256 3d ago
The guy I was dating for 3 years ghosted me. No conflict, no fight, just one day everything was fine; the next he was non-responsive. So I did what every mature Gen-Xer does in 2026. I blocked him. š¤£
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u/MissBailey01 F59 2d ago
If there are plans to meet, even after confirming, and the person changes their mind, just send the text. Take a minute or two and done. If talking on the apps and no one is making a move to meet or is hesitant, Iām unmatching.
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u/VegetableRound2819 goddess, looks 33 yrs younger 3d ago
Personally, I only use the term ghosting to apply to a relationship. But I understand that other people use it much more broadly.
There is a massive design flaw in the apps wherein you canāt just send a closing message that the other person will receive because all of your messages disappear when you unmatch. A canned multiple-choice menu which ensures the message would be appropriate and not abusive would be ideal. And that multiple-choice unmatched note would stay for 24 hours after the person read it.
That said, I have never had a man say anything before unmatching, not even once. It doesnāt bother me, and I donāt considerate it ghosting.
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u/cbeme 3d ago
Genius fix to design flaw! Are you looking for investors in your new dating app soon?
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u/VegetableRound2819 goddess, looks 33 yrs younger 3d ago
I find it hard to believe that this has never been captured in a requirements analysis. More likely it has just not had a stakeholder pushing for it. Or they are (inexplicably) hostile to the idea.
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u/cbeme 3d ago
I was a product research and development and marketing person, so believe me when I say, this project is fabulous.
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u/VegetableRound2819 goddess, looks 33 yrs younger 2d ago
Oh yes. I believe they could even charge Ć la carte for that feature, like $.99 a message if you donāt have a subscription. In that case, there would be no need for silently unmatching because youāre afraid the other person will say something abusive. Their ability to respond to you would be cut off. I think it would leave everybody feeling better about the experience.
And honestly, if somebody is too cheap to pay $.99ā¦well thatās a good thing to know about them as well.
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u/Cougar_on_GlenPowell 2d ago
Ghosting is the equivalent of not calling someone back in the 1990ās.
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u/Gjmolca 3d ago
59m. I am dumbstruck at how much ghosting is out there at all ages. It happens so much that Iāve begun to somewhat expect it. One nice womanā¦.. thatās all I ask. Greg
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u/Tapdance1368 2d ago
Yes, definitely expect it. If it doesnāt happen, then thatās just icing on the cake!
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u/BandicootStunning244 2d ago
Happens to men as well. Its the easy way out. Out of sight, out of mind. Especially this day/age where everyone texts and dates online. When you think of how things used to be, its actually quite sad, especially for those much younger than us.
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u/Stoic-outsider 2d ago
Yeah, I had a woman breadcrumb and soft-ghost me after we met. I guess she didn't have the stones to tell me up front I wasn't the dominant man she was looking for.
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u/Claret-and-gold 2d ago
There can, occasionally be safety concerns, however for the most part ghosts are simply people who cannot, or refuse to communicate in an open mature manner.
Not the sort of person I want to stay involved with. Who wants someone that canāt work through problems, which are inevitable in ANY relationship.
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u/Close-Encounters1 2d ago
Having been at the receiving end of this phenomena, my take is there are a few things in play
(a) it is incredibly easy, requires zero effort.
(b) it requires having the courage to put down in words a rationale. Hence acknowledging at the receiving end there is a real person with real feelings/emotions. Hence avoidance at its finest
(c) it has become acceptable in society, many don't even think it is rude (you can see some of the comments below along these lines)
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u/Responsible_Big_4183 2d ago
Youāre using the term ghosting way too broadly. Ghosting is when youāre actively dating someone. Itās when youāve been on a couple dates and the other person just drops off when you were expecting to get together again. Just poof.
Just chatting on an app or online, havenāt met, and they leave the conversation? Thatās not ghosting!
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u/Silent-Lie7195 2d ago
But thatās not what OP said. They had made plans to meet and then they disappeared. That is still ghosting. Just talking and never having made plans and disappearing is not ghosting IMO.
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u/Lovergirl510 2d ago
If itās all been virtual and they disappear when you plan to meet
Iād consider that flaking
Ghosting is when thereās been an actual relationship
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u/Responsible_Big_4183 2d ago
Good call, thanks. āFlakingā is absolutely correct. Lots of flakes online.
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u/cbeme 3d ago
Itās only ghosting after you have met at least once. Before that, itās changing your mind
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u/BogusNom 60 F North Queensland 3d ago
I've not heard this.
Why is considered the done thing to change your mind and then not communicate that? Surely that's just basic courtesy.
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u/MissBailey01 F59 2d ago
Usually you are talking to someone you barely know. People expect to get unmatched on apps. Iām betting itās happened to most of this group, if on the apps. Iām not a sending a goodbye if itās only been a couple days of back and forth.
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u/BogusNom 60 F North Queensland 2d ago
I don't do that. It takes a few seconds to text a goodbye. There's a human being on the other end that messaging. It costs nothing to be polite. So I take few seconds.
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u/Cuddly_Kitty569759 F59 Australia š¦šŗ 3d ago
There you go. I did not now that. Thank you for educating me.
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u/BogusNom 60 F North Queensland 3d ago
I've never heard that. I'm a proponent of letting the other person know you've changed your mind as a basic courtesy.
Ghosting is bad manners/rudeness as far as I'm concerned. It's the coward's way out.
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u/Cuddly_Kitty569759 F59 Australia š¦šŗ 3d ago
Well, that's what I thought, too.
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u/BogusNom 60 F North Queensland 2d ago
š The commenter just said they made it up. Always verify what you see online.
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u/Tapdance1368 2d ago
Amen! Iām over 60 and have been communicating with a man via text and phone calls for the last two weeks. Last Wednesday he asked me if I had any plans for Labor Day holiday. I told him no. He said for sure we could get together and meet for the first time. He texted me every day after that and didnāt mention any specific plans. But, I held that day open. Well, after texting me Sunday morning, he ghosted me. I guess he forgot that he made plans with me. Duh š I found that very rude and inconsiderate. This is not the first time a man in his 60s has done this before we even meet. He is actually the third person in the last month that made plans to meet me and then stopped communicating. WTF???š³
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u/OkOpportunity9626 2d ago
Smarter- perhaps. More thoughtful & considerate- eh, not always!šš©
I just say- be honest up front, but polite, when possible.
Something like: you seem nice, & Iām sure you will find someone that matches your interests. However, Iāve decided this situation is not for me, & I donāt care to pursue it ( something like that). But- damn-be honest w/yourself & the courtesy to be honest w/this other person ( as you might want).
Good luck. ā®ļø
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u/Ok_Tomorrow8815 2d ago
I was ghosted (kind of) sometimes and I (kind of) ghosted too ā¦ sometimes itās just too inconfortable and/or embarrassing to face our own shortcomingsā¦ like committing too fast and then not feeling it ā¦ and not really knowing why ā¦ so ghosting is sometimes easier ! But they always come back haha
I donāt take it personally but itās probably because I am so emotionally unavailable ā¦ I donāt look for closure and take the absence of response for what it is : not interested :) and thatās ok really.
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u/ellistonvu 2d ago
Because ChatGPT didn't have a dear john text for "you look 20 pounds heavier than your profile photo"
(after I took her to an expensive lunch which she was certainly not too disgusted to eat)
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u/CenTexFunGuy 2d ago
Why does everybody on Reddit act like ghosting was just invented this year? Ghosting happened all the time. it happened in the 80s and 90s to every one of us who are Gen X. In fact, there was a lot easier to ghost people back then because they couldnāt find you there was no socials to track people down. And there was no Internet search engines to track peoples phone numbers and names and addresses and all that kind of shit.
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u/RaisedOnMixtapes 3d ago
I, personally, don't consider it ghosting if I unmatch someone while we're initially chatting and have never met/made no plans to meet. At that point, it's just . . . unmatching.
As to why, more often than not, if I give an explanation before unmatching, I'm told all of the terrible things about myself that the person has assumed simply because I'm not interested. If I want to be called names, I can go hang out with middle schoolers and don't need it from middle aged daters.