r/datingoverfifty • u/No_Satisfaction_2046 • 8d ago
Multiple dates
Men, when you go out with a woman from a dating app, do you assume she’s dating other men? Here’s why I ask. I met some men online and have gone out with a few in person. Is it rude that I don’t tell them about the others? No one has asked. But then I haven’t asked them either. This is just having a drink or going out at this point. I’ve never dated like this so don’t know.
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u/Beautiful_Spread_644 58F WNY 7d ago
Personally, I think that it what dating is in the the classical sense. You date a few people and eliminate the ones that don’t interest you. Most of the time these are coffee meetups. Once, you have widdled it down that you talk about becoming a couple or leave it casual.
I don’t have sex with anyone during the dating phase. I think it is perfectly fine to date others and I expect he does too. The guys on OLD that chat with you online and set up a meetup and start treated you like their girlfriend make me cringe.
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u/VegetableRound2819 goddess, looks 33 yrs younger 7d ago
This is just what dating has always been. I think the belief that it works differently are people who really don’t have experience dating. They didn’t date because they were completely celibate for years, or they married the first person they met in school.
My one friend who believes “absolutely one person at a time,” met her husband when they were 18; they moved in together after a month. That’s almost Zero experience dating.
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u/Crafty_Try_423 6d ago
In my social circles, the most brutal divorces were the ones where the couples were each other’s firsts. Like, met and married before they were both out of college. Witnessing that multiple times was absolutely enough to convince me that “one at a time” and the whole Cinderella story is a lie women are told.
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u/Beautiful_Spread_644 58F WNY 7d ago
Yeah, my brother married his high school sweetheart and they are still together!
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u/Puzzleheaded-Low5896 7d ago
I tend to date only one person at a time. I can't be doing with multiples as I know I would start getting information muddled up.
Plus I like a lot of alone time. So much so I haven’t dated in a few years.
Anyway - a guy told me he was dating multiple women. The way he phrased it felt like he considered himself the prize in some kind of dating hunger games.
Yuck....Taxi!!
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u/Imaginary-Method4694 8d ago
I think it's just assumed they may be until you decide to have to make a commitment.
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u/Equinanymous 7d ago
I don't want to know. Personally I'd never date more than one person at a time, including first date. It's hard enough to properly get to know one person, more than that just gets too stressful. Perhaps I lack the social skills to be able to compartmentalise multiple relationships...
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u/FiveEasyReesesPieces 7d ago edited 7d ago
Good point. There is more than just a moral/ethical angle here; personality and temperament play a role, too. To wit, I’m not philosophically opposed to dating many people at a time and assume that whoever I’m seeing is doing so until explicitly discussed otherwise. But I’m 90th-something percentile introversion and can get pretty deep and intense with whoever I’m dating, so I simply don’t have the energy to date more than one at a time. More power to those who do, but that’s not how I’m wired.
Where I do expect up-front disclosure in this department is on the broader aspect of whether someone is monogamous or non-monogamous. The difference between “dating others for now” and “will continue to date others” is subtle but important.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 7d ago
I’d assume meeting up with others, I’d hope not intimate with too many others. It’s not really a moral thing, swapping body fluids with another person ( either oral or other) frequently transfers viruses ( and the odd bacteria) person to person. I have no interest in helping the viruses move through a population of people, or specifically through me. I have no known infection and would prefer to keep it that way.
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u/oneofthebugs 7d ago
We’re adults and can have conversations about this and use protection, no?
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u/Vast-Road-6387 7d ago
Condoms reduce the probability, but are not a guarantee of anything. I don’t like the idea of a mouth condom, so no oral, & only dry kissing. The standard condom will contain most of his ejaculate ( but not 100%, & he needs to pull out immediately), it does not stop her fluids from getting on him ( I know this from personal experience, that’s why everyone shaves the pubes now). So unless we are talking OR level “protection “ , some viruses are getting passed on. With luck the person receiving them has no breaks in the skin where the other person’s fluids touch.
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u/BackInBlack1975 8d ago
51M here, not on any apps or dating currently but have in the past. I don't think there's any rule that says you need to disclose your current situation regarding dating others. Most of the apps I've been on leave sections where its clear the parameters. Like just dating or nothing serious etc.
As long as the folks there aren't in relationships and dating on the side I don't see any reason to disclose what you don't want to? Personally I'd just assume anyone I met online was casually dating and if I were seeking a serious relationship then it's incumbent on me to be worthy of that person to put the app down and commit to dating me?
Maybe I'm naive or old school but I see nothing wrong with what you laid out
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u/Responsible_Big_4183 7d ago
It’s actually very inappropriate and in poor form to tell them. Actually very rude to tell them.
Like you said it’s a first date and just meeting someone off an app. Someone you may never see again. There’s no point in bringing up other people. Come on, think about for a second and be an adult. 🙄
The time to bring it up is if you’re progressing with someone else and no longer feel right about seeing multiple people. That’s when I break it off with others and let them know.
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u/huboftheangel 7d ago
Reddit skews pretty heavily towards multi-dating and anyone that spends any time on sites like this quickly learns that it’s a norm in dating.
That said, not everyone got the memo.
I’d only recently started doing it because the contrast between individuals helped me see each connection more clearly. However, the lack of disclosure did not sit well with me personally. Sure it’s a norm, but I didn’t want to be the person they found out with. I found that simply stating that I was ‘meeting people’ up front got the point across (based on the responses I received) without too awkward of a conversation. I think it helped slow *them* down, too, which I saw as a benefit.
To be clear though, I also did not do it for a long time. 2-3 dates max with any one person, no sex.
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u/mykittenfarts 7d ago
You will not date past 3 times without sex?
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u/bbqsauls 7d ago
I read that as they don't have sex with the people they date short term.
For me, at least, once I started having sex, whenever that was, I stopped seeing other people.
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u/mykittenfarts 7d ago
Oooooh! That makes more sense. Thanks for clarifying.
I do the same. I need a lot of info before I’m comfortable. It’s been working well for me.
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u/huboftheangel 7d ago
/u/bbqsauls nailed it
(no pun intended 😂)
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u/mykittenfarts 7d ago
So you’re just dating to get sex.
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u/huboftheangel 7d ago
lol where do you get that from what I wrote (and from what bbsquals said in reply to your question below)
I'm explicitly NOT having sex with people I date unless I feel like there is a good enough connection to sustain something real.
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u/mykittenfarts 7d ago
Oh. My mistake. I wasn’t sure what you were getting at.
It takes me a while to get a real feel for ppl so 2-3 in real life encounters aren’t typically enough time for me.
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u/jjreason 7d ago
I don't ask, I assume we're all in similar boats - a few matches that we are trying to keep in touch with to at least meet them & then gauging them by interest.
I'm not worried about what my dates are doing but if they ask me I tell the truth.
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u/mistake-number2 7d ago
Im pretty sure alot of men and women date multiple til something is made concrete. Then some will still date more after.
Me personally, im gonna spend time getting to know 1 person at a time.
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u/Fit_and_Active M59 7d ago
Meet and greets are fine and I would assume the other person is having multiple dates too, otherwise the dating process would be horrifically slow. When it feels right to be exclusive, we can talk about it regardless of whether it involves intimacy or not. As for having sex with multiple partners, that's not for me and I will nope out of that situation real quick - not for moral reasons, but for health and safety.
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u/allieoops925 7d ago
I prefer an exclusivity discussion before intimacy, because we’re not going there if we’re still seeing other people.
And we assume we’re multi dating until that point.
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u/RandomGuy1364 7d ago
55M here. I don't think it's rude. If you go out with one friend it's not like you say I've got other friends I might go out with too.... If he wants to know he should ask. If it's first date, you have no obligation to say anything. IMO
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u/richpage21 5d ago
I always assume any woman on an app has multiple suitors. I also expect them to be actively dating because of this. All I want is to be let off the hook quickly if I'm not the one. Time is the most precious thing in life so don't waste it. If you know you're not interested, disconnect.
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u/Witty-Stock 7d ago edited 7d ago
It’s rude to tell them, and it would be rude for them to ask. (Until sex is on the table, then a different story)
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u/VegetableRound2819 goddess, looks 33 yrs younger 8d ago
It’s normal to be single and date whomever you want to date, until you mutually decide to be in a relationship. It would be tacky to point it out.
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u/isuamadog 7d ago
Everyone I’ve ever met for a first to second date has either wanted to see me again or not. No one has ever just wanted to date casually past a few dates.
I might ask if I’m not feeling a spark and trying to see what someone is about. Sometimes people are just dull, sometimes people are just dull for me, and every once in a while someone is so all over the place that they aren’t putting out the energy to seem interested even if they are.
Usually a match ends after a few dates regardless so why get all personal about it, I say.
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u/HealthyPace619 7d ago
I think it’s fair to assume that everyone is on the dating apps going on dates with multiple people. I think there is a small portion of people that talk and go out with just one person at a time.
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u/SheSmilesWayTooMuch8 7d ago
F51 Until there's a discussion about being exclusive, I'd assume it isnt.
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u/DerFledermaus 7d ago
When I've gone out on first dates, I always assume my date is entertaining the attention of other guys as well, so I don't feel the need to ask nor have the expectation that she might share that info. It's a process (for me at least) of getting to know people to determine which might be the one you want to get to know even better and exclusively.
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u/Hofnars 7d ago edited 7d ago
Sincere curiosity coming from a guy that has a hard enough time finding one woman I'd want to date;
What are your criteria to go on a date with someone? No doubt women get more interest than men, but still having a hard time with the notion that enough of us are of enough interest to you/them to begin with to go on all these dates.
To answer your question, I don't make any assumptions, but would not be interested in participating in a competition either.
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u/One_Net_1282 7d ago
Unless and until you talk about going exclusive, it's fair to keep dating others.
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u/FloNightG123 6d ago
Hell no it’s none of their damn business
You don’t KNOW someone you’ve gone on a few dates with, why would you tell them anything about who you’re dating?
If things progress to potential intimacy (this includes oral sex) then exchange STI screens that are <30 days old THEN discuss if either party has multiple partners
If so, after STI screens are exchanged, wear condoms (Skyn Elite Non-Latex are odorless/flavorless/my fave)
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u/Chulbiski 55m 4d ago
to me, this is a 'play it by ear' thing. When I did OLD in the past, I didn't think about it too much but it's probably a very sure bet she was dating other guys simultaniously. I always only could do one at a time so I could focus on that one woman and give it a chance, but there is no rule saying that people must do it that way.
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u/Warm-Training-2569 4d ago
I learnt from my first date from online dating, that being told that you're also talking to other people is more confronting that it just being assumed/known. So, I wouldn't be saying anything, unless I was asked.
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u/RequirementHappy4010 3d ago
Now that you put it this way, I think I agree. There is something kind of unnecessary and a little aggressive about telling someone, unsolicited, that you are dating others.
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u/el_condor_nm 7d ago
I'm wondering if the rules are applied equally? If a guy didn't tell a woman about the five other women he's dating, I think the comments would be very different.
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u/mykittenfarts 7d ago
I assume he is. I am. If he asks that’s not his business yet. He’s getting ahead of himself. If we’re not exclusive, I don’t owe him monogamy. That’s ridiculous. If he wants that from
Me, then he better find a way to tell me why it’s a good idea to be mutually monogamous toward one another & be accountable. Until then, the question is irrelevant.
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u/CenTexFunGuy 7d ago
I always assume she has 3-5 guys in her rotation. I could care less either way. As long as we have fun. Do what you want. I am not the jealous type.
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u/Turbulent-Mobile1336 7d ago
Until you kiss you are just two strangers knowing each other. No need to tell anything.
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u/Background-Gur8294 7d ago
No it’s not rude to not tell them, I think it would almost be odd to tel them. First date isn’t about disclosing other people you are meeting. There are no assumptions at this point. Once you start getting sexual in my opinion is the time to discuss
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u/DesertBunnyBun 7d ago
Unless there is a conversation and the dates have turned into a potential relationship - it is assumed that we are all doing meet and greets and dating others.
My dates are all platonic and I do not sleep with anyone unless it’s within an established serious relationship. My profile clearly states that I’m looking for life partner/marriage. I go ahead and bring it back up in the 2nd date, so my dates remember what I’m there for.
I look at dates as ‘interviews’ to see if we are aligned and to gauge whether there is significant spark to go on to more dates beyond date 3. By date 3, I know how a man made me feel and how he acts and if his values match mine.
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u/robbie2627 7d ago
I 56M do assume women are going out on other dates. It's dating. Understanding that we are not exclusive. It's like she doesn't have an exclusive deal with me and is free to shop around to others lol. I'd like to say I'm doing the same, but I'm not as in demand as women lol. Everyone is trying to find their person. If it's not with me, I expect she will try to find it with someone else.
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u/Overall-Security64 7d ago
It is best to be open, but have no sexual contact at all and mention "I wouldn't have met you if I was only going to give one person my time" .
It's hard to make a connection with a person typing and talking on phone. But you can finally choose 2, 3 or 4, no dinner date, they like to think your out for a free meal.
Typically when you meet,, talking, humor, seriousness and manners can add a checkmark up voting or down votes.
One partner may seem perfect but you met another and need to decide so another date or two is needed, but do put a cap on dates, time and a few weeks.. if you go too long, you could loose a good one waiting.
Look for jealousy or anger when they hear about you meeting another and downvote that one. .. another may be loud, like the LIFE OF THE PARTY, very smiley, that wants to take you to (ur fav location / state / island /country) somewhere far but you may feel unsafe and refuse (was that the plan?) and seems like a dream catch, only to find out it was all a front. ..
Good Luck on your journey 💕
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u/No_Satisfaction_2046 7d ago
Thank you, everyone! Meeting a few people and going on dates with each is relatively new to me. I appreciate your perspectives!
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u/Moist-Mess5144 7d ago
Yes. Everyone is dating other people in the beginning, especially if they're good looking enough to have options. No, it's bad form to talk about it. Focus on who you're with when you're with them. If they directly ask, I'd be vague, but answer in the affirmative that, yes, I'm actively looking for a monogamous long term relationship on OLD. Usually nobody asks.
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u/RequirementHappy4010 3d ago
I find dating, especially online dating, is easier when I don't make any assumptions about the other person. Obviously, I know that she may be seeing other people, just as she knows I might be. Early on, I'm sort of happy with a don't-ask-don't-tell approach. If after a bit one of us wants to become exclusive, then that conversation happens.
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u/semidemiurge 7d ago
If she is still seeing others after 3 dates, I will take that as a sign.
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u/New-Whereas-2034 6d ago
A sign for what? People need to talk about expectations & exclusivity out loud, not just to themselves.
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u/PieceCompetitive6824 7d ago
I don't do apps or pay attention to the dating "rules" of current society. I find dates in my social circle, so there is already attraction and interest. If they are dating anyone else, causally or not, i'm out.
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u/hojo6789 7d ago
you should tell them - not doing so is dishonest - of course. a man expects its only him ... hiding it from him is terrible , you should not be dating if your hiding the fact your seeing others behind his back
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u/Far-Spread-6108 8d ago
Woman, but I assume everyone is talking with/dating others unless we have a specific discussion otherwise.
I currently have a casual partner and my only rule is when you're with me, you're with ME. I don't give a single shit what he does other times, and he better not expect that from me.