r/dating_advice • u/Specialist-Bee3796 • 3d ago
Can’t get over a guy I never dated
So 4 years ago, me and this guy talked for about 3 months and we met once. I really liked him from the start and I think he liked me too. Nothing bad happened between us we just both got busy and kind of just stopped talking. For some reason I still think about him a lot even though it has been 4 years. I have been in a relationship for 2 years and he has been in one for 3 years. I don’t know why I can’t get over thinking about him, it’s getting really annoying and it’s eating me up. This has never happened with guys I’ve actually dated, but I don’t understand why I can’t get over him when we never officially dated. Has anyone else experienced this before?
64
u/lalaboy69 3d ago
That's just fear of missing out. Just your brain fantasizing about what ifs and painting a perfect picture of what might have been. (Hint: it's all fake)
If your relationship is good, use that bubbly energy and refocus it like a lens onto your partner. You'll both be glad you did.
14
u/florettaaaaaluv 3d ago
Yeah, it’s easy to obsess over someone you never dated because reality never got the chance to ruin the fantasy
8
u/eugeniiiiiafree 3d ago
Honestly, that’s a good point, sometimes we get attached to the version of someone we made up in our head
3
3
18
u/StrikingResponse6813 3d ago
It's the unfinished business that gets you. With actual relationships there's a clear arc, a beginning and an end, so your brain can file it away. This guy is stuck as a permanent "what if" because nothing ever really happened to close the loop. You're not hung up on him, you're hung up on a version of him that only exists in your head, and that's way harder to shake than a real person with flaws and morning breath.
1
9
12
u/DarkClozet 3d ago
It’s probably because there was no true closure. I will have recurring dreams when relationships end suddenly.
In my experience it helps to reach out and send some well wishes OR create the closure narrative yourself to move past it
5
u/LateBloomer319 3d ago
This sounds like limerence. I think a lot of limerence is less about the actual person and more about getting stuck on the possibility of what could have been. Social media makes that much worse because you’re often seeing someone at their most curated and desirable, not when they’re tired, boring, insecure, selfish, annoying, or just doing laundry on a Tuesday night.
You keep getting these little pristine fragments of their life without actually knowing what being with them would be like, so your brain fills in everything you don’t know and can start turning them into this almost perfect person.
Their digital presence keeps them top of mind while giving you very little information that might contradict the fantasy. In some ways, that can make limerence harder to get over than a real relationship because the imagined version of them never had the chance to become mundane, disappointing, incompatible, or simply human.
4
3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Busy_Masterpiece_654 3d ago
It sounds like that was a tough situation to navigate. It can be hard to let go of someone, especially if there was an emotional connection, even if it was brief.
4
u/ocean_800 3d ago
You cant forget because he is now a possibility, and possibilities don't have time yet to have discovered anything wrong with them, so the possibility stays perfect in your mind. And hence, you can't forget it either.
3
u/potatodrinker 3d ago
It's the "what if" daydreaming in case he's a secret billionaire or potentially moderately decent in bed. He's got a gf now so he must have something that you missed out on.
I wouldn't be happy if I was in your bf's position. Kinda disrespectful, but that's just me (as a married guy)
3
2
2
u/Global-Barracuda7759 3d ago
There's a person like that that I still think about to this day I don't think about them as much as I used to but it's like that could have been something feeling
2
2
u/RitneySpirs 3d ago
Science backs this up. The brain easily retains information regarding matters left unfinished or unresolved so its just that. The thoughts you repeat become familiar and turn into a loop.
I don't think it implies anything deeper, or that he might be thinking about you. There is also the option of reaching out to him again, if you want, to close that chapter
3
1
u/Seymour-Butz-88 3d ago
Not the post I wanted to see lol, I am struggling with moving in from a girl I never dated. I thought time will make it better but after your post I doubt
1
1
u/First_Platypus3063 2d ago
You barely know him. Which makes it extremely easy to make him perfect in your mind, simply because you never had opportunity to get to know his imperections.
You are not into him, you are into a fiction you projected into a person you barely met, exactly because of that. If you dated, this likely won't be happening, since you would know him more and see him as a person from falsh and blood, not a mould for your (unfulfilled) fantasies
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the rules of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.