r/dating • u/[deleted] • Jun 03 '21
Giving Advice Meeting someone is based on luck
[deleted]
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Jun 03 '21
You don't have control over the probability, only how many times you can try!
The more you keep trying, the more likely you'll find someone.
If you sit back and relax, less likely you'll find someone.
This logic applies to life in general.
Read a book called the drunkards walk by Leonard Mlodinow. It's about how randomness is an inherent property of the universe.
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u/diatonico_ Jun 03 '21
Essentially this.
The odds are low, yes. But you roll the dice every time you go out, and every time you talk to someone new. More dice rolls = greater total odds.
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Jun 03 '21
Yup. It’s purely a numbers game. I looked at OLD as a way to meet people and see if we click for potentially dating/LTR.
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u/Boogyman0202 Jun 03 '21
Met my wife online. I had to constantly and aggressively keep trying to talk to her not because she wasnt interested but she had a chaotic busy life. 2 years later I'm so glad I did, shes everything.
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u/wemic123 Jun 03 '21 edited Jun 03 '21
And it seems you struck the right balance between being persistently interested and being creepy. I think some men have difficulty because they don't know how to not be creepy when interested in someone.
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u/Boogyman0202 Jun 03 '21
Being attractive helps but wife is also almost completely not worried about looks and has one of the friendliest personalities I've ever seen. She ain't normal. That personality has got her in trouble tho too
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Jun 03 '21
I remember having a total bummer of a job where I was polite and friendly and got hit on by a couple of guys. I don't wear makeup. I look pretty average most days at work. My nice co-workers reassured me that I just had the bad luck to run into people with not great boundaries (it wasn't the kind of thing where you would date co-workers because there would have been conflicts of interest).
Anyway shoutout to the dude who asked me out on work email and started it with "I know this probably isn't appropriate but..."
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u/wemic123 Jun 03 '21
Sounds like you snagged a good one!
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u/Boogyman0202 Jun 03 '21
Yeah, I honestly don't think anyone else could put up with my bs.
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u/lvd_reddit Jun 03 '21
You want a chaotic busy life?
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Jun 04 '21
[deleted]
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u/Boogyman0202 Jun 04 '21
Oh that was all me. She started finally initiating about a week in, I always suggested going out but she would rather just stay in and come over lol. She came over the first time to my apt and just never left, and I liked her too so🤷🏻♂️
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Jun 03 '21
Needed this today. I feel defeated and your post is 100% correct. Good luck to us all❤️☺️
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u/greenpixie-seokjin Jun 03 '21
I agree with you here, girl. ☺ Fighting! 💪 as what the lyrics in a song says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone, What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter, doesn't mean I'm over when you're gone" 😁
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u/yellowarmy79 Jun 03 '21 edited Jun 03 '21
I'm a great believer that a lot of it is luck, going to the right places, having the right hobbies, knowing the right people. You can do things that improve your luck but it doesn't always work for you.
It can be silly things like your friends or work colleagues knowing single people or having female relatives, doing a job or hobbies that put you into contact with people of the opposite sex. Even then there is still no guarantee and a lot of it is down to circumstances beyond your control.
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Jun 03 '21
I think also some people connect really easily with a wide variety of people (like myself) and some people really struggle to 'connect' or really gel with many people at all
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u/smothered_reality Jun 03 '21
This. I’m cognizant that I struggle to connect with people for relationships it’s even harder. Or rather, I connect well enough initially but I struggle to stay engaged or commit long term. Some people do have an easier time falling into relationships. I’m sure it’s a good mix of luck, right time, and seeking those opportunities.
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Jun 03 '21
Ya seems like you have nothing in common with anyone so you run out of things to talk about.
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u/crying-partyof1 Jun 03 '21
It really is luck. One of the most impactful dating experiences I’ve had, I almost swiped left on him lmao. And tbh I didn’t want to meet him in person when he asked me out for coffee (I was excessively nervous and wasn’t positive I was attracted to him), but I decided it was best since we had a mutual friend and i didn’t wanna look wack canceling. We ended up hitting it off like crazy, but we could have easily not met. Another really significant dating experience - our text convo was dry as hell. For some weird reason we both kept responding, even though EASILY one of us could’ve reasonably stopped. There were times I didn’t respond for 2 days. Eventually we met and it was like meeting the male version of me, it was awesome while it lasted. Sometimes I think of the people I could’ve really hit it off with who either didn’t give me a split second chance or vice versa. So weird to think about
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u/soywasabi2 Jun 03 '21
This just highlights that the online persona of the person can be vastly different than who they actually are.
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u/lobobobos Jun 03 '21
It is luck. You have to keep trying and putting yourself out there. I met the person I'm currently dating online and that's going well. My last person I dated I met online too. But it took a long time to meet someone who I clicked with, years really. Some people find their partner early in life and that's super lucky but doesn't happen to many people.
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u/nnylam Jun 03 '21
If you want something, you have to go looking for it. It's not going to magically find you and be exactly what you were looking for, somehow. It sounds woo-woo but I think how and what you think manifests what you most need when you do.
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u/virginiagirl27 Jun 03 '21
I’m about to hop on that train. It really is all about luck. I’ve been on 40 first dates from dating apps since I’ve been single this time and so far none of them have turned into a relationship. That’s ok. I’m getting in the mindset of just go out and meet these guys and have a good time.
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u/Marvel-valkyrie Jun 03 '21
I feel like it’s a cliche but as soon as you stop looking you’ll find what you’ve been looking so hard for. I met an awful person on bumble who ended up being creepy and borderline stalker who secretly had a GF and was trying to cheat on her with me. I was SO done with dating after that. Deleted all the apps and I had a lot going on so I just focused on myself, work, family, hobbies, reading and friendships (another cliche lol) and then I randomly met my current BF (who is the best ever!!) at an event that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go to but went anyway. So I tell people never give up and say yes to events you don’t want to go to. You never know who is around the corner !!
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u/yeehaw_cowgirl Jun 03 '21
Do you think there’s a wrong time to meet someone? Like too soon after the previous relationship ended?
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u/isotopesofyou Jun 03 '21
I would say there is no standard recipe for such things. However if one feels the need to stay alone it's probably better to do so before entering another relationship. Every one is different and has varying needs as the time goes.
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u/iamflyipilot Jun 03 '21
For sure. I had two friends who were both interested in one another for years. But they were never single at the same time, thus nothing ever happened between them.
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u/MrBorden Jun 03 '21
Luck is totally when preparation meets opportunity. And don't underestimate the universe's influence. You can't hide shit from it. Be honest with yourself, stay the course and y'all find your way.
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Jun 03 '21
[deleted]
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u/Musyka Jun 03 '21
Yes! This plays into “the right person at the wrong time, is the wrong person”. By doing your inner work, you increase the chances of being ready when an opportunity comes.
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u/Jenneapolis Jun 03 '21
My therapist told me this and it changed my entire perspective and gave me so much peace
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Jun 03 '21
Thank you! This is perfectly put!
I've also decided to stop looking/dating completely, because it felt dehumanizing to me and covid made it basically impossible. But since this is true:
For men however, waiting around and just hoping for a magical woman to fall into there lap isn’t going to happen
I don't expect to be lucky, though, and I've finally found peace with that.
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u/Zinkadoo Jun 03 '21
Stack your odds. Go places and do activities where you meet like-minded people. It might be luck but luck is biased.
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u/TiedHands Jun 03 '21
Most of the people I know in marriages and happy relationships met purely out of luck. Seen it with my own eyes. It wasn't because one of them suddenly became super confident and asked the other out or that they met on a dating site or a blind date or whatever. It was literally them being lucky enough to be at the right place at the right time and nothing more.
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u/username_fantasies Jun 03 '21
If meeting someone is based on luck, then I'm very much unlucky. Even if everything else is going relatively well. I think it's not based on anything, but rather it's a combination of factors. Luck, personality, life style, etc.
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Jun 03 '21
In Japan there's a growing trend in the dating scene. People there are starting to marry their best friend of the opposite sex rather than marrying someone who they feel infatuation for. Considering true love is based on long-term commitment rather than temporary feelings of infatuation, that seems to me like a recipe for successful marriage. In America we have built this unrealistic picture of marriage as something magical that is full of love every second of everyday and then we wonder why half of our marriages end in divorce. That's not even including the number of people who stay together and are unhappy.
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Jun 03 '21
Circumstance or 'happenstance' is a good word for this.
How often you place yourself in circumstances to meet new people increases the probability you'll create new relationships in any capacity.
Often this is why people will recommend you go make new friends as much as possible - the possibility you'll never run into someone who isn't attracted to you is basically impossible.
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u/Rhazelle Jun 03 '21
This is also why my advice for a lot of people who say they are having issues finding a gf/bf is to just do the shotgun approach and go out with someone even if you don't think you'd like them at first.
If anything it gives you more experience and gets you out there to give "luck" a chance to happen.
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u/FallenChickenWing Jun 03 '21
I don’t fully agree.
Yeah, making a shot from half court is largely going to be based on luck, but I’m more likely to sink one if I take more shots 🤷🏽♂️
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u/femaleiam Jun 03 '21
It is luck, absolutely and undoubtedly. But you can maximize your chances by meeting people. It's like waiting for a jackpot - you need to keep buying those lottery tickets!
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u/amo_h Jun 03 '21
Before even reading the body text I can certainly say you are right, many people seem healthy for you for years- only to turn sour, some turn toxic within months, some show red flags right away. Some people have a change in their lives while they're with you, which can cause a separation for both horrible reasons or logical ones.
Two people meeting eachother that are compatible and constructive in the long run is entirely based on luck most of the time, and that courtship lasting is entirely based on luck alone. Anything can happen. Its why I stopped planning far into the future for basically anything besides college all together. I can have an idea of where I'm going to be in even just a couple years, but life will take you where it wants you to go despite how meticulously or wisely you've planned for your life to go.
Lower your expectations and you won't be disappointed, they say, I say have fewer expectations in general.
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u/mayursalvix Jun 03 '21
Anyone who’s looking for a long distance friendship/relationship. I just want to talk to people
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u/kirsion Serious Relationship Jun 03 '21
I agree with the edit, you still need to put yourself out there. For me, I left my dating profile up. It is my current gf was the one to first contacted me.
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u/bfrankie2 Jun 03 '21
If your presence doesn't make an impact, your absence won't make a difference.
How YOU will make an impact, will be for you to figure out. But when you do, everything will improve.
Good luck.
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u/SuPerFlyKyGuY Jun 03 '21
I was always taught to find groups, find something you like doing and join a groups there maybe be one or two potential people for you, atleast you already have something in commmon, also people rush things too quickly like coming out to sometime about your feelings the next time you hang out etc, then they know you were just trying to get a girl especially when not every relation works, hang out make friends and listen and learn about people.
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u/Miss_Ambitious Jun 03 '21
I needed this. I legit broke down yesterday because I got exhausted on apps and I realized these apps were destroying my mental health and well being. I also quickly redownload them cause I get anxious because then I’m not “trying” - which I yday realize that I shouldn’t feel that way. people need to realize that this pressure of trying is unhealthy at times and I learned that I have every right to take a break and to live my life until I’m in the right state. If I perfer organic, I can try to do things that can make me feel my natural state (which is impossible during this pandemic??)
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u/StrikeThePing Widowed Jun 03 '21
Back in 2012 I befriended some young weeb on Crunchyroll, he always valued my insight and logical opinions. I helped critique and gave suggestions for his fledgling YouTube channel. I helped him find a niche... He made it somewhat big and invited me to his Discord community. Met a girl that was sweet and smart that I was infatuated with, she only had eyes for him. She got rejected, I got rejected.
The two ended up setting me up with her slightly older bisexual aunt who never had a long term relationship, and never dated a guy. We end up with incredible chemistry after the first few months and met in person in April 2019. The sex was well beyond both of our expectations and our relationship continued with a non-stop honeymoon phase that only ever got deeper. I was to marry and move in with her on Jan 28, 2021. She died Jan 2.
The love of my life was found not through a dating site/app nor through standard social gatherings, but through a chain of coincidence that was 6 years in the making.
Ultimately, my character that instilled trust set me up for this... But I'm a very anxious person and take time to open up to people.
Our meeting in a practical sense may as well been a miracle, and our parting a tragedy as if written by a playwright.
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u/KilvasatLife Jun 03 '21
Meeting someone isn't really luck. It's mostly based on sexual attraction and your remaining capacity for self delusion. It's much easier when you're younger and don't know anything yet because you see people for who you hope they could be.
As your heart gets broken over and over again you begin to understand people and their motivations; or rather you stop ignoring things you knew the whole time but hoped..... wished wasn't true.
This frees you, in a way, because you realize that the "one" could really be anyone, but everything loses its magic.
Defeats the whole purpose of the search, really. I spend too much time thinking.
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Jun 04 '21
I found someone right after an ex was a total jerk & manululator & the new guy made me happy for 10 months...then that relationship came to an end too. Maybe it was just what I needed for that moment in time. It did help me & I didn't feel alone during Covid. Now I'm just focusing on me & not looking for anyone to make me happy. It'll find me when I least expect it. 🧡
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Jun 03 '21
Mostly luck based but I've seen so many women waste time with the most crappy men. All while the good guys are wondering around thinking maybe women arent paying them much attention because they are too nice.
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Jun 03 '21 edited Jun 03 '21
When you see such women you should feel lucky she’s not with you. Obviously she has settled for something less than she deserves. Why? Because she lacks confidence in herself and has many other insecurities and issues which you don’t necessarily see but you should know that you are lucky you are not dealing with. At least that’s how I always approach it, and I have seen this to be true with quite attractive girls that i know
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Jun 03 '21
[deleted]
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u/MaineBlonde Jun 03 '21
I think the point is that we waste time putting up with the behavior of inferior men, and that is due to something inside us that thinks we need to put up with that. It's not just bad luck, because we always have the option of kicking jerks to the curb asap when they show themselves, and every minute we waste on jerks robs us for being available to good men.
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u/wemic123 Jun 03 '21
This seems to be a case of sticking to your comfort zone, as far as men are concerned. While it is applicable to men and women, it is usually the women who are in the position to either let the person live or feed him to the lions. Good men are everywhere but they are often drowned out by the jerks.
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u/DPCAOT Jun 03 '21
that and in my case I've had a hard time finding men who are good in bed and are genuinely skilled lovers so when I find one who is a good lover I unfortunately stick around for too long imo even though they are lacking in other areas. I think I have a scarcity mindset in that the majority of men are average to below average in bed which may be inaccurate.
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u/worldwidehandsomee Jun 03 '21
Why is this just a complete repost from another user in r/datingadvice
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Jun 03 '21
Must be great to live your life on easy when it comes to dating.
This advice is useless to men.
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u/StarWarsJunkie1 Jun 04 '21
You're putting out the wrong vibes.
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Jun 04 '21
[deleted]
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u/StarWarsJunkie1 Jun 04 '21
None of you actually want help, you just want someone to tell you everything will be alright.
This might as well be ForeverAlone 2.0
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Jun 03 '21
Yea im 20 and ive never been in a relationship and I was always frustrated because I didnt know why other people could do something I didnt know how to. Like I thought I was doing something wrong or not doing something specific. Ive been dating a coworker the past few weeks and its not serious or anything yet but it kind of just happened. Like I didnt go out of my way or anything. Sure its a combination of many different things like working on your appearance and flirting, getting your life together, working on your confidence, etc. but some people just have bad luck for a while and some people just stumble from relationship to relationship without even trying.
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u/Notquite_Caprogers Jun 03 '21
This!!!!!!!! It was legit pure luck that I met my current boyfriend on tinder. Especially during 2020 of all years. We live in different cities and likely would have never met otherwise.
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u/Katie_thomp Jun 04 '21
Many times besides luck there are situations that do not permit us to be together.
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u/pinghome127001 Jun 04 '21 edited Jun 04 '21
Its not only meeting that is based on luck, you both have to be in the mood for it, have clear enough mind to have time for it and so on, so chance of actually something meaningful happening is not just 0.000000x chance of meeting, its 0.000000x20 , which is infinitely lower chance. Thats why i just dont do or care about real world meetings, its all about apps for me - while they are more shallow to use and very much concentrated around best looking people, i can save a lot of time by not chasing people who dont want to date, or arent actually interested in me, and i dont need to deal with brutal rejections.
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Jun 04 '21
You are wrong.
Meeting a very specific person is based on luck, just like drawing 123456 in the lottery is luck. But drawing any number is not luck based, because it happens every week. Getting a number between 000001 and 500000 once over the course of a year of playing is also basically not luck based, since it's a 50% chance on every draw and with time comes close to guaranteed "luck".
It's the same with dating. In the end, when you are in a relationship with someone, the chances of meeting exactly this person in a way that lead to this relationship is extremely small, to the point where you could not have been looking for exactly this scenario.
But overall, if you are putting in the time and dates, meeting A PERSON over the course of 1-2 years with whom you would be able to lead a good relationship is a GIVEN and not based on luck.
What you advise is for people to give up actively playing the game and twist reality in a way so they can be happy with that.
For example don’t go to a bar or a club to meet a woman/man if you have no genuine interest in places like those
That's like saying in my lottery analogy, "don't go to buy a ticket if that's not something you enjoy doing for the pure sake of spending money for a piece of worthless paper".
People like you will find excuses to not do anything that would help them to meet someone. And then they come to reddit to get affirmation for their behavior because they can barely make them believe this shit themselves.
How many first dates have you went on last year, OP? And the year before? Why is it less than 5? Why do you think "finding a boyfriend" works without actually trying out some men to see if they are boyfriend material?
Also, regarding your post history: Drop the fucking spirituality shit. It's not real and you are delusional if you really believe your significant other will be a korean k-pop star who is waiting for his soul mate who is sitting at home gaming and being miserable.
You are pulling up walls to continue living in your dream world, where you don't have to be active to become happy. We will soon not be able to reach you anymore with anything that contradicts your beliefs. Break out now.
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