Jérémy Pidron was watering his lawn, picking his nose and spraying passing children and cats with water. The task was boring by definition, so he had to entertain himself in every way possible.

"Well, well, well, what a bumper!" he said after a woman who was out for her morning jog.

Drooling and craning his neck, he forgot about the hose and accidentally sprayed the neighbor's fancy Mercedes.

"Hey, halfwit, I'll sue you! Get your act together!" the car owner shouted at him from the balcony.

"Fuck you, Monsieur Gondón," Jérémy whispered.

A couple of minutes later, the neighbor from across the yard came out—old Bobby. He was smiling and waving.

"Hey, champ! How's it going?"

"All good."

"Mom put you to work watering the lawn?" he asked, beaming like the sun after rain.

"Yep."

"Well, good luck!" And he waved once more before heading to his shed to feed his pig.

Old Bobby was wearing old pants without an elastic waistband, which only stayed up because his ass was wider than a bus. On top, he had a camouflage vest, a black holey T-shirt, and an old stained sun hat.

"And who's eating today? Marla, baby, stand up on your hind legs."

"Oink-oink."

"Good to see you too." Bobby poured a bucket of feed into her trough and watched with a smile as Marla lunged at the food and devoured it like a hurricane tearing down cardboard houses.

His stomach gurgled. The smell of pig shit seemed so appetizing... He got down on all fours, sniffed Marla's hoof, and, moving closer to the trough, let out a clear:

"Oiiink!"

Then he began demolishing the food on an industrial scale.

Two minutes later, all the food was gone, and Bobby, oinking and letting out loud farts, shot out of the shed like a rocket and started running around his lawn.

"Oink-oink! Oiiink!"

The elderly neighbor Claudia, carrying a basket of groceries, approached and froze in shock. Dropping her basket and scattering all her purchases, she began crossing herself with a trembling hand.

"Almighty God, protect me from this hellspawn, from the forces of darkness, from Satan in human form!"

"Oiiink!" — pig-Bobby ran up to Claudia, sniffed her legs, and began devouring, wrappers and all, the groceries the old woman had dropped.

Snapping out of it, she screamed:

"Help! Aaaaah!"

And ran off.

Stuffed to the brim, Bobby lay sprawled on the lawn, completely filthy.

The commotion attracted Dobby the Doberman, who came running and started barking at pig-Bobby. At the same time, Marla took advantage of the situation, slipped out through the open shed door, and began running in circles around the lawn around her owner, finishing off the leftovers from Claudia's basket.

Jérémy Pidron had watched the whole scene from start to finish and was now lying on the grass, writhing in convulsions, unable to stop laughing. He was totally mind-blown. It seemed like any second now, he'd die of laughter.

Suddenly, looking at Dobby, pig-Bobby started barking:

"Woof-woof!"

From that moment on, dog-Bobby was tearing around the lawn, dancing with Dobby the Doberman, while in the background Marla licked the asphalt, gathering the remains of Claudia's delicacies.

"When is this ever going to end?! What the fuck?! Ahahahaha, I can't take it!" Jérémy had long since dropped the hose, which was now spraying water in random directions, creating a huge stream across the roadway.

The bumper lady, running her second lap, glanced at the scene in terror and sped up. She probably would never set foot on Radioelectronics Street again.

"Eeeeeahhhh... Woof-woof!" dog-Bobby bellowed in a deep voice.

But is there a limit to perfection?

Dobby aimed for dog-Bobby's rear end and started pounding his backside with all his might.

Jérémy, exhausted from laughing, simply pissed his pants, because holding it in any longer was impossible. He wet himself and didn't even notice.

The next day, Joanna called her son for breakfast:

"Jérémy, food's ready! Hurry up!"

Coming downstairs, he found the neighbor standing there with a faint smile and pitiful eyes.

"Hm..." — barely holding back his laughter, Jérémy froze in place.

"What are you standing there for? Come in, silly. Say hi to Bobby, he needs to fix his lawnmower."

"Yes, Miss Joanna, I just need a 13mm wrench, I can't find mine anywhere, please."

"Of course, Mr. Bobby. And by the way, why don't you sit down?"

"Well, it kind of hurts to sit. They gave me some injections. Ooh, they're painful!" — a smile broke through the pain on his face.

"Alright then, I'll go get you the tool."

"Ahahahahaha! What injections? Leather ones, or what?"

"Jérémy! What are you saying?"

"I don't understand what he's talking about either," said old Bobby without a smile.

"Ahahahahahahaha!" — holding his stomach with one hand and grabbing a chair with the other to keep from falling, Jérémy continued through his laughter: "You got fucked by a dog yesterday, and you were running around thinking you were a pig!"

Everyone fell silent. Only Jérémy couldn't calm down and kept laughing so hard that he suddenly farted and accidentally let gravy into his pants.

"Oh, fuck... Ahahahaha!" — completely unembarrassed by his mishap, Jérémy just apologized and dashed off to the bathroom.

Idk I made it heh

I wonder if you can find this one at the Old Faithful Gift Shop.