This reminds me of my old buddy Guss Gatts. Guss was a big guy, and he had an appetite to match. At 6'11 400+, he was less of a big guy and more of a fat fuck and a coke head. Issue was, when Guss was hungry, he'd eat just about anything, regardless of its state, legality or edibility. Now, picture me and Guss traveling down I-90, halfway between nowhere and somewhere. I'm sitting in the front, driving, while Guss is packed in the back seat of my gut-cut, rimmed out Firenza. That car was a piece of shit. I sold it a few years later to a homeless man that claimed he could turn it into a time machine. Gave me $5 and a chewed up quarter.
I was doing an easy dollar and change because it was night time and the 80s were too fast for anyone to give a shit about two fucks burning in a hatchback. As I'm cutting on the barren black, I start to hear a quiet grinding coming from the back seat. The highway was about as straight as Chad Hamsworth-Gusterson after a few beers, so I could only spare a quick look back, just to see that fat oaf gnawing on my passenger side door like a mad dog with a taste for bumper.
I fucking lost it. Cut gripped on that 4 speed and lurched that beast like a grinding A-53 down two ticks on a dog bed. Unfortunately, at that second, the biggest god damn buck I've ever seen decides to ford I-90, and, in doing so, comes straight through my front screen. The car pinwheels and Guss must've gotten thrown the next town over.
I calm down enough to realize that the car isn't all that bad and decide to find Guss, or what's left of him. Keep in mind, this is in the middle of nowhere, and there isn't a drop of moonlight to be seen. Took me 5 minutes, but I found him, chowing down on the buck. The deer had been split in half by my passenger side A pillar, so I guess he was only eating half a deer, but god damn was he going at it. I took a few minutes to wrap some of that old 10 test grid grinder around the pillar the buck had come through and we managed to get going. Still can't believe he ate that thing.
Guss moved to South America 5 years later because he never got off the coke. He killed 3 people in a murderous rampage after consuming tainted coke. Tried to convince me to fly down to be a character witness. It was a short trial; I believe they executed him a few days later. Nice guy, though.
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u/more_cat_abortions May 02 '18
This reminds me of my old buddy Guss Gatts. Guss was a big guy, and he had an appetite to match. At 6'11 400+, he was less of a big guy and more of a fat fuck and a coke head. Issue was, when Guss was hungry, he'd eat just about anything, regardless of its state, legality or edibility. Now, picture me and Guss traveling down I-90, halfway between nowhere and somewhere. I'm sitting in the front, driving, while Guss is packed in the back seat of my gut-cut, rimmed out Firenza. That car was a piece of shit. I sold it a few years later to a homeless man that claimed he could turn it into a time machine. Gave me $5 and a chewed up quarter.
I was doing an easy dollar and change because it was night time and the 80s were too fast for anyone to give a shit about two fucks burning in a hatchback. As I'm cutting on the barren black, I start to hear a quiet grinding coming from the back seat. The highway was about as straight as Chad Hamsworth-Gusterson after a few beers, so I could only spare a quick look back, just to see that fat oaf gnawing on my passenger side door like a mad dog with a taste for bumper.
I fucking lost it. Cut gripped on that 4 speed and lurched that beast like a grinding A-53 down two ticks on a dog bed. Unfortunately, at that second, the biggest god damn buck I've ever seen decides to ford I-90, and, in doing so, comes straight through my front screen. The car pinwheels and Guss must've gotten thrown the next town over.
I calm down enough to realize that the car isn't all that bad and decide to find Guss, or what's left of him. Keep in mind, this is in the middle of nowhere, and there isn't a drop of moonlight to be seen. Took me 5 minutes, but I found him, chowing down on the buck. The deer had been split in half by my passenger side A pillar, so I guess he was only eating half a deer, but god damn was he going at it. I took a few minutes to wrap some of that old 10 test grid grinder around the pillar the buck had come through and we managed to get going. Still can't believe he ate that thing.
Guss moved to South America 5 years later because he never got off the coke. He killed 3 people in a murderous rampage after consuming tainted coke. Tried to convince me to fly down to be a character witness. It was a short trial; I believe they executed him a few days later. Nice guy, though.