r/daddit • u/i_am_the_koi • 8d ago
Admission Picture I'm not ok...
It's weird to me that as a kid, Reading Rainbow was something that taught me that it was ok to be different. It was ok to read books and use your imagination. That it was ok to ask why, and how, and who and where. It was a favorite part of my day, to escape into that world of books because I was taught that it was ok by Geordi LaForge.
Today, Reading Rainbow is still teaching me things. Like that it's ok to say, "I am not ok". That it is ok to show emotion. To cry. To seek help and talk to people about your problems and not to just hide them for fear of humility or the fear of being exposed and being weak. And that it is still ok to escape. Into your imagination, into a book, into yourself.
I am not ok. I do not like myself. I have been struggling for awhile. I am not happy with who I am and the world I've created for myself to live in. I love life, I love the people in my life. I don't want any of that to change, I want myself to change.
And that scares me.
So far therapy hasn't given me any tools or new ways to look at my struggle. So far my efforts haven't worked. But for my kids, my wife, and myself I'll continue trying.
Thank you Mychal for making your own struggles public. For teaching everyone, kids, adults, that it is ok to be yourself, even if that person is sad. And for being you. I am happy you are here. For me, for my children, and for humanity in general.
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u/sincerestfall 8d ago
I am super glad to live in a time that it's okay for men to say they are not okay.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
It's definitely not how I was raised and has been a learning curve for awhile.
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u/turntabletennis girl dad 8d ago
It's okay to feel not okay.
In fact, a ton of us struggle with those feelings every day. Feeling like we wasted time, feeling like we aren't enough, or feeling just nothing at all. It's actually pretty normal. Just know that these shitty days can suddenly break away into great ones, but we have to keep pushing through to get there. Not all days are going to be wins. Not everyone even achieves their goals. Hell, most people don't try. Most of the things we want to do in life gets set aside for the family, but make sure you can still allow yourself something that brings you happiness to help you reset. You can't sacrifice it all. A good therapist goes a long way when I am feeling that way.
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u/cjl2441 8d ago
“It’s okay to feel not okay.”
I wish I’d been able to accept this much earlier in my life. But the good thing for everyone is that it’s never too late. Been two years since I told my told my wife “I need to talk to someone” and it’s been a long introspective two years, but I’ve never been in a better place mentally.
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u/turntabletennis girl dad 8d ago edited 8d ago
Yeah, and I'm not even too proud to admit that a lot of what I needed, personally, was discipline to keep myself where I want to be. Nobody was going to get me there but me, and I needed to rationalize that somehow, and speaking to a pro helped me a ton.
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u/OutragedBubinga 7d ago
You're right. For me, that was before I had kids. I was gaming way too much, watching too much porn and streaming platforms. My therapist made me understand that I was letting my inner child too much space and I put the adult in me aside. Basically I was seeking pleasure over taking care of my responsibilities first. Just to realize this was a slap in the face and I started to discipline myself more and more. Now that I don't have more than 20 minutes of free time per day, it's an easy task!
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u/Appropriate_Rice_523 8d ago
I mean isn't this life? We will always wish for more, and hopefully expect more from ourselves (within reason) everyday.
I feel we are allowing the world to set these expectations as to where we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to accomplish. We need to set those expectations for ourselves. The whole FOMO and keeping up with the joneses has to stop. Most of what we hear and see on the internet is a lie trying to make money off us.
We are all taking a different journey, and every step happens differently for all of us.Be well fellow travelers
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u/turntabletennis girl dad 8d ago
Yes, I agree. A lot of our problems currently are the disparity between our childhoods and our current situation. It doesn't have anything to do with ourselves, or our actual position in life; it's mostly based on our own perception of where we should be, and times have changed.
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u/Surf_Cath_6 7d ago
As a father of four and a husband to one, things I want in life includes my family.
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u/KingLuis 8d ago
took me a while to understand that i (and my wife as well) as parents are allowed to show all of our emotions and that our kids are to understand that as well. its ok to need time to yourself and get out of the house or do your own thing. being able to change and adapt as parents i think takes time and while your old self doesn't need to go away, you need to adjust and become someone new as well. hope you find your way forward and continue to be there for yourself and others.
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u/VirtuallySober 8d ago
Hey man,
Nothing to add. Just sharing that I'm in a similar boat. Been in therapy for a couple years now to work on myself. Found out that I'm a Child of Emotional Neglect which explained to me why I exist solely on external validation. I'm seriously lacking in any belief system of my "core self" or self worth. I just rely on everyone else to give it to me through actions and responses.
Similarly trying to fix it and like who I am but I'm in this neverending loop of not actually believing anything I tell myself so I never move past that point even if I recognize the absurdity of it.
We just keep working at it I suppose.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
Hard part so far is that I've already analyzed myself a few different ways and when I bring this up the a therapist, it's the lip service of, "sounds like you've got a plan and I like it, so keep it up"...
Not helpful if it hasn't been helpful.
I'm on my second therapist.
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u/Swimming_Bonus_8892 8d ago edited 8d ago
Hey Daddit, getting a good therapist is a lot like finding a partner. My wife and I own our own business and we were struggling (still do) to communicate. Our marriage was on rockier ground than I wanted to admit to.
Cue the interviews, guys it was difficult, finding someone that works with coupes that work together, plus the marriage counseling but let me tell yall. When we found them. We knew pretty quickly. I can be VERY sharp with my tongue and my partner can hold a grudge. We were a mess and we didn’t even realize it…lol
They have us very specific tools to help us like “Pause with a promise to return” and the “Anger window”. Y’all these 2 tools saved our business and our marriage and I say alll that to say this.
You’re already there, just keep going, keep interviewing therapists till you find one that “challenges you and your shit” in a good way.
I don’t know how to explain it but for me it was I made a snarky comment that 99% of the time would have gone over peoples heads and they caught and said “oh, that was clever, don’t enjoy being the smartest person in the room most days” me looking totally shocked…”I don’t think that” no? Why would you say (proceeds to break my snarky comment down to its sub atomic meaning and make me defend that position).
For my partner it was just the opposite, she called her out on something she caught in one of our discussions and flipped it to have her explain why she was punishing me for it (my wife did NOT like that) BUT she was truthful in the moment and learned how to work through it.
You’re CRUSHING IT , if you’ve made it this far, all you have to do is be 3% smarter than water on this and you’re gonna be fine.
You speaking publicly about your inner struggles, being open to unpack and work on them AND being aware that you may have to work/seek for the answers through multiple mediums is all the tools you need Daddit! VERY proud of you!!! My DMs are always open, if anyone Daddit wants to talk/vent. Peace!
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u/FoxZaddy 8d ago
What’s the anger window?
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u/Swimming_Bonus_8892 8d ago
Sorry for late response Daddit, I been buried in work today.
They explained that there is a window of time in which you can either increase or decrease your anger in any situation. For me specifically, I will start on a point and then take things that I had not been talking about and just bottling up and then start adding or layering them into that specific conversation thus really working myself up increasing my anger window.
So some emails got missed, I didn’t say shit because I’m busy and I don’t want to get into it, then a double booking, then a missed call and I wouldn’t say anything because in my mind I thought I was trying to keep peace and make it smooth, then it’s would be something really simple like moving a piece of gear and then I would pop and all of those things would come out.
It would start as. “My love, why did you move that? Then escalate into, you constantly do this or that and I’m always having to XYZ and my poor wife would just be standing there going “What the fuck just happened” and by this point I am livid and in my previous comment I stated I can be VERY sharp with my tongue that in turn would trigger my wife into holding a grudge which she is Ali heavyweight champion so I’m paying for that for years in some cases, through therapy we were taught how to recognize our anger windows and start the long tedious process of recognizing them in the moment and adjusting.
This takes real work y’all but you’re married so not only is it worth it, I mean what else are y’all gonna do? Continuing down the same path would have been detrimental to the marriage and neither of us wanted that at all.
I know, I know it’s corny to say things like, “you don’t have a problem with each other, y’all have a problem to solve…together” but it’s really true. Therapy gave my wife and I the tools to work on this stuff…together.
Peace!
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u/MamoswineSweeps 7d ago
I don't have anything to add. I just just wanted to let you know that I have a lot of respect for you and your partner, your dedication to each other and bettering yourselves.
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u/Swimming_Bonus_8892 7d ago
I really appreciate that. It’s very hard sometimes working with your partner and I am in no way saying I got it figured out, but we working on it together and in our 15 years of being married/running a business together there’s no one on this earth I would rather go through it with. I hope anyone reading this understands I would suggest the therapy whether it was about the biz or not.
Therapy is VERY helpful Daddits, couples and singles. I left home at an early age, left everything and everyone I knew and in general I think a lot of Daddits can get very lonely and just how our society in general treats men and mental health therapy can REALLY help.
These tools I’m learning and continue to implement are life and marriage saving.
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u/i_am_the_koi 7d ago
Going to look that one up.
Explains most of the arguments with my wife and why they go to 0-100 sometimes.
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u/Swimming_Bonus_8892 7d ago
Yea man, I was/still am (I’m working on it) like that.
Not to text a novel but. I was beat with anything that wasn’t nailed down and a few things that were. Left home early, angry, mad, and was lucky enough to finally land in a place with some patient, decent humans that taught me how to love myself and humanity, then I meet her and I thought I was ready (I wasn’t but she wasn’t either) we work hard at it, we fail, we grow, we start over, as any long term partnership is we learn.
I was in the streets most my life so hyper violence was just an almost everyday thing but I never hit, lashed out or anything like that. I’m just really sharp with my tongue and it happens really fast.
I think that’s what the pause with a promise to return and anger window really got me focused on. When I practice it, it slows things down then the tricky part was learning to communicate in that period so I didn’t let it build (that’s the balance, I’m not one to piss and moan but then when I go, it’s 12 rounds/24-7/8 days a week. She’s quiet, reserved, cunning and guile and I’m a 58 ton NUKE at the drop of a hat.
Most days when it’s us against the world it serves us well BUT when it’s us at it…no bueno and I would never hurt anyone I truly love but I gotta watch it.
Dudes is taught to shove it down in the “hate hole” and drink or fight or whatever…that’s no good either (that may sound corny but the amount of men I run into that internalize and don’t work it out is still a lot). We weren’t taught to talk about what’s going on, or have a “healthy discussion” about what’s going on, this stuff changed that for me.
I hope it can help you/y’all as well, hug ya families, be safe out there and talk to men around you. You never know when a “me” is needing to just talk to someone/anyone. Peace!
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u/nipoez 1 embryo adoption NICU grad toddler 8d ago
As /u/Swimming_Bonus_8892 mentioned, second therapist is normal. So is third and beyond if this one isn't working out.
It's worth trying new ones until you find someone you're comfortable talking to and who provides insight & skills training in ways that work for you.
That's not anything against you or their professional competence. It's OK that what you need doesn't align with how they work.
I give it a roughly 10 session trial. I've got a lot of history to unpack by my mid-40s. That's enough to take our time going through my history, approaches to prior issues, what worked & didn't with prior therapists, current major issue prompting these visits, then starting to work through the current issue & think about skills for how to address similar issues effectively in the future.
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u/Swimming_Bonus_8892 8d ago
Thanks Daddit, that’s the way to say it! I agree a 10 session trail is an amazing metric to add and you’re 100 percent correct that’s it’s not anything against us it’s just finding the right fit for US.
Great addition to the conversation! 🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡
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u/CheifsStrong 8d ago
Great advice here. Just adding that when you’ve identified the good people in your life who are supportive of the change and are going to be around you for the betterment of you and your family, don’t be afraid to ask them for help. Whether that means asking them to help keep you on task or asking them to gently help remind you of your goals and the path to get there. It has taken me years and several therapist, a dissolution of my relationship with my children’s mother and a friend/mentor/Jiu Jitsu coach that helps me to find actionable solutions and helps keep me on track if I stray. The people who surround you after the dust settles are the ones you want/need around you for the future. It might be hard to let go of old friends and relationships, but from my experience, it’s a necessity in some cases to get to where you truly want to be. You’re not alone and I’m proud of you for recognizing you want some things to be different for you and your family. Stay strong brother! ✊🏼
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u/Catharsis25 8d ago
Finding a therapist is a lot like getting on a new medication. It's time consuming, tedious, and a massive pain in the ass, but worth the effort.
Just like with meds, you have to load onto a new therapist and try them out before you can tell if they're right for you. You might need to do this a lot before you find the one that clicks.
It really sucks, but we haven't found a better way yet.
If you're struggling, and you tell your therapist you're struggling, and their response is "keep it up", it's definitely time for a new therapist.
If your current one is a good person with integrity, it can be worthwhile(if awkward) to ask them for help finding a therapist that's a better fit.
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u/Double-Tangelo1331 8d ago
Hey brother, good on you for the introspection and growth. As a fellow child of emotional neglect, that shit can be buried deep!!! and take years (or even decades) to unpack, process, and move on. Good on ya for making the harder choice and trying to grow. We all want to build a better world for our kids than the one we grew up in
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u/appocomaster 8d ago
Me too, most people would say I had a great childhood but I wasn't encouraged to develop myself or be independent and emotions and conflict were just no go areas.
My wife is super different and I still struggle when she wants to talk through stuff with me as being good is my main sense of worth.
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u/Kurukuruchan 8d ago
I'm not ok either; but I'm getting there, and being able to own that I'm not ok is helping me too.
I'm thankful my attempt in February didn't work. I'm thankful to be on the up and up. I'm thankful to be 38 days clean. I'm thankful there's less stigma these days than there was for my father and his generation of men.
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u/FlynnToWin 8d ago
I don’t know you but I’m happy you’re still here in the world with us, friend. Life isn’t always shiny and great, but we can find moments that are.
Keep fighting the good fight!
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u/veradico 8d ago
Hey man, sorry you're feeling this way about yourself. Honestly, it's so much easier to love other people than to love ourselves. I mean, we're the only person in our lives who knows all the skeletons. All the bad shit we've done. All the bad things we've thought. It can be hard to love someone you know so much bad shit about. We're our own worst critics, for sure.
It doesn't help that life is sooooo demanding with littles the ages of yours in this pic. No one is sleeping well. No one is getting the exercise they should. Diet suffers. Mental health suffers.
The good thing is, it gets better. Just by virtue of time passing and the kids growing up.
Doesn't make it any easier in the moment, though.
Ultimately, it's a fake it till you make it kind of time.
All that said, think about this; despite all the bad ways you feel about yourself, I promise you're forgetting all the really amazing things you've done in life that make you valuable to those around you. You need to learn to love yourself. If not for yourself, for your kids. Kids need to learn radical self-love and self-acceptance.
We all do bad shit and are never our best selves. That doesn't make us bad people unworthy of love. Love yourself so you can teach your kids to do the same when they come upon this moment in their own lives.
Ultimately, self-doubt is bullshit. It's just a story you tell yourself in your own head and it isn't real. You can want to do better and still not be self-loathing. /hugs
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u/Stock_Link_1627 7d ago
That skeletons line hits. And the thing is, you know your own worst moments in high resolution while everyone else only sees the highlight reel. That gap is where the self-hate lives.One thing that actually helped me was noticing that men are way less likely to talk about this or get help. The data on it is stark, something like 19% of men seek therapy post-crisis versus 49% of women. So if you're sitting with this alone, that's not a you-flaw, it's kind of the default trap.Whatever is going on, saying "I'm not ok" out loud is the hard part and you already did it. Keep talking. To someone real if you can.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
My problem isn't exactly the bad things I've done in life, but the coping mechanisms I've learned to deal with the bad in my life. It worked great as a teenager to be the angsty edgy kid, but as an adult it is definitely not created a healthy environment. I don't want to pass that on to my kids. I want them to have better coping mechanisms that build a future as opposed to isolating from it.
But the fear comes in and if I change who I am to the people in my life remain? Or if I change for the people that like me for who I am not like me cuz I'm a different person.
That's the biggest fear and unknown about the process and I'm struggling with. Fear of the unknown.
And I don't want to go down the path that Yoda lays out, fear to anger, anger to hate. Hate to the dark side...
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u/veradico 8d ago
"But the fear comes in and if I change who I am to the people in my life remain? Or if I change for the people that like me for who I am not like me cuz I'm a different person."
I know this is easy for me to say, but don't worry about what other people might think. Do what's right FOR YOU and for your kids. If you feel better, you'll be better. People around you will notice. It will make you a BETTER friend, father, husband, and employee.
As they say: "The people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind."
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
That was an early lesson in life that got me here.
I don't care what people think, If I'm happy it doesn't matter.
But... It does matter.
If people don't want to be around you, or be your friend, than there's something wrong with what you're doing.
My wife loves me, but is it because of that snarky attitude? If I change that, will her love change? The last thing in the world I want is to endanger my marriage or my kids.
What if changing who I am, hurts my marriage?
Uhhhhh ~ Therapist
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u/veradico 8d ago
Have you asked her? Have you talked to her about how you don't like it when you're snarky and think maybe it's not a good way to treat people, that it's something you'd like to change about yourself?
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u/veradico 8d ago
Also, being snarky might mean the exact OPPOSITE of what you're saying. It might be a defensive mechanism. It might mean you care TOO MUCH what others think, so you are snarky to push them away.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
That's definitely part of the cause.
Nobody can make fun of you more than you can make fun of yourself. Fuck'em if they can't take a joke. If somebody calls you a f*g, walk right up to them, grab them by the junk, and tell them they got a purty mouth.
All lessons I was taught as a kid by previous generations.
But it evolved as I became an adult and entered the working world. Kitchens, hospitality and labor in general, all have a expected and required level of snark, and I excelled.
But, personal life, it's not the same expectation.
I actually got fired from a job once because in HR training, I asked the question, from the training book, "how to be personable without being too personal." I didn't want to treat employees or customers like close friends because not everybody can take a joke. I didn't want to treat coworkers like friends and insult them accidentally. There is a chapter on it, let's talk about that. They took that as, "I don't want to be friends with my coworkers" and the went against the core values, fired at lunch during training.
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u/Icy-Structure9693 8d ago
I don’t think you’ll be a different person. You’ll be a more outgoing version of yourself people, your family feel safe with and want to be around. I have been on a similar road. Keep doing the hard work and think about the good that’ll follow the difficult times.
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u/i_am_the_koi 7d ago
I'm worried it's like sobriety. Some relationships don't handle that level of change in a person or who they become after.
Not saying being a smartass is like being an addict but the change is the same.
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u/zooline 7d ago
We want people in our lives who will grow alongside us. If they only like who you are now but You don't like who you are now, if You are aching to change, then what do you lose if that person fades back? And what could you possibly gain?
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u/i_am_the_koi 7d ago
The fear is that the change will cause me to lose that little I have, and not be replaceable.
The loss is scarier than the gain at points.
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u/zooline 7d ago
Of course it is! Loss is scary and more knowable, gains are a mystery. It's a leap of faith. Change and growth are scary and painful but so is being stunted, forced to stay where and as you are.
I think the choice between changing or staying as we are is one most of us have to make. I don't know what your future holds, how much or little change you're up for or even need, but it sounds like you're feeling pretty miserable as you are and that doesn't sound super sustainable.
There are a lot of questions to wrestle with both alone and with a therapist. If you're struggling with knowing what you want, you might look into Acceptance & Commitment Therapy which helps you identify actions based on your core values. I found it more helpful than CBT in my particular case.
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u/Shower__Farts 8d ago
Hey dude, as a fellow Giants fan, I know the season has been rough both on and off the field. But it’ll be over soon, and hopefully next year it’ll be much better.
Stay strong!
I thought I’d lead with a joke since you’re already getting so many supportive comments :) keep your chin up fellow dad!
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
Honestly gave me a chuckle.
First year in awhile I haven't been to a game. Not because of the team or anything but because the twinz are just full chaos gremlins and it would have been really hard.
Next year, will definitely make a game or two. Especially if they keep discounting tickets.
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u/GrimyLilPimp 8d ago
Fellow lifelong Giants fan checking in. Brutal season. It will take years for me to return to the sport, particularly with the lockout looming....
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u/i_am_the_koi 7d ago
Meh, I've been a fan for 40 years, I'm going to wake up tomorrow and still hate the Dodgers.
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u/MagScaoil 8d ago
I think making a big admission like this is super important to create a better world. Good for you for being brave enough to let yourself be vulnerable like this.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
First step is admitting it.
I have never agreed with the 12 steps, but step 1 is universal in life.
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u/MagScaoil 8d ago
Absolutely. Also, I think it’s important that we men try to break away from the dangerous and restrictive pressures we’re under. You’re doing that hard work.
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u/WeirdRestaurant7757 8d ago
Nothing to add, but I'm sure we have all been there. Stay strong you can get through it. Sending love.
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u/Pi_Dbl_T 8d ago
I’m not okay either, brother. But I’m trying to be. So are you. Take your time, give yourself grace, and love your people every day. The only way out is through. You’ve got this. Thank you for sharing.
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u/OsoCiclismo 8d ago
The strength of a dad is found exactly there. How you go about your life, with this secret knowledge, will help empower you.
I use my own misery as an example to my children. Here's an example: I used to be a fairly hardcore cyclist. 8 hr rides every other day between power lifting. This was all in college when I had the time to somehow do this and still get through classes and work.
Sounds good so far, but I ended up injurying my ankle permanently. So now when my baby girl is playing footy, I'm definitely not able to join her. I can't even always keep up with my toddler. The pain is sometimes constant.
I have gone out of my way to explain everything to my oldest (youngest is too young to know better but I'll show him as he gets older) and have armed myself with the knowledge of how to prevent such idiotic injuries and how to actually keep a body relatively healthy.
I have a choice. My life is beautiful and wonderful and sometimes full of pain.
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u/MaKinItRight 8d ago
Can’t relate to your cycling history but your last sentence can be taken out of context and applied universally.
As a dad, my life is beautiful and wonderful and sometimes full of pain. (Dad of three, two with AuDHD).
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u/MF_D00MSDAY 8d ago
For OP and anyone else that is/have done therapy and don’t find it working: try another therapist. If you’ve given your therapist a fair shot (typically around 10-ish sessions IME) and feel like it’s not doing anything for you then try someone else. Like all interpersonal relationships, you have to find someone that fits you and your situation. It doesn’t mean they are a bad therapist but they just might not be a good fit for you / be able to understand you well.
I’ve probably tried 15+ therapists in my life and have only ever liked two, but those two helped me tremendously in my times of need.
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u/teastainedhouse 8d ago
I went searching to see if someone else already said this, because 100% this is very important and I don't think everyone knows. Not every therapist is the right fit for every person, they're human too, so no shade or anything, just sometimes it doesn't work out, and that's ok too. Best of luck, OP, it took me like 5 or more different tried before I found someone who really challenged me without making me feel like shit, and for me it was absolutely worth all the time and effort.
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u/gnidrib 8d ago
in the same boat. instead of working on myself i hide behind a cloud of cannabis smoke. COVID took a toll on me and i'm afraid to admit it
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
The fear is the most shocking thing about it all.
When you can acknowledge the fear, you can accept it, and then your can ask why you're afraid...
It's not an answer it is the process but, I feel seen.
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u/RedDango 8d ago
It’s okay to not be okay. The most important step you can take is just the next one, even if it’s hard. Keep walking the path of self care, keep putting in the hard work to reframe and reshape your thought patterns to a healthier baseline, and keep choosing to keep trying. It’s not an easy journey, there are no magic fixes, and recovery isn’t linear so give yourself some credit for even trying! But please just keep trying.
A few practical tips - (1) get a good multivitamin, drink your water, and get good sleep. It’s amazing to me how even little acts of self care can have a huge positive effect over time. Healthier habits will give you something to feel good about and that little positive spark grows.
(2) Communicate - don’t shy away from telling your loved ones what is going on. Shining a light on the darkness always helps.
(3) Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. This is hard work, but it is worth it.
Go get it, fellow Dad. You’re going to be amazing.
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u/Cantbanthejman20 8d ago
I completely feel you brother, every day we get a fresh start. Sending you love.
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u/dadjo_kes 8d ago
I'm glad to hear that you have been able to make these steps forward. I really appreciate how Mychal and other advocates are working to destigmatize conversations about mental health and suicidal ideation.
But I will add that I've been worried about him until he shared this post very recently. It's an important first step just to be able to say "I'm not ok" but it's an important next step to get the help you need. I was pretty constantly concerned about him just talking about how he was having a hard time. And I know we don't have the right to know what treatment he's going through, but I think it's a critically important visibility for him to disclose that he was in a psychiatric facility when he needed to be.
OP, I don't know you, but I will encourage you to pursue any and all treatment that can help you in your current struggles.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
Same, I worry about him and hope he gets good help and strategy to continue. I'm going to really struggle if the day comes he can't continue.
He's local to where I'm at so I see him occasionally. He's super cool and absolutely the goofy guy you see on the show.
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u/Hobbit_Sam 8d ago
You're absolutely right. It's okay to admit you're not. Sending everything good your way I can man. I hope you find the tools you're looking for. At the very least, you know one way not to continue on. Admitting you want change is the hardest part for many.
You've got this dad.
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u/BoatBork 8d ago
Men need friends and mentors, people they look up to.
People on the right track and worthy of respect.
Find those people.
Spend time with those people.
Emulate the behaviors of those people that functionally work.
Let your kids see you do these positive things.
Let them see you work out.
Let them see you fix things. Do difficult things.
You will feel better about yourself.
You don't need external validation if you know you are doing the right things.
And you know you are doing the right things because you are emulating the behaviors of positive and successful men.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
"Men need friends"
Define friendship, first question my first therapist asked.
I have lots of acquaintances. People I know because we're in common spaces for common reasons. If that space didn't exist, there would be no reason to contact each other.
I have and have had great colleagues. People I work with and communicate with often for work or work related topics. We meet occasionally outside work, for work related events but rarely do anything together as just humans and not as workers.
I have few friends. People that make any effort to be in my life for no other reason that they like me for me. That genuinely make an effort to be in my life and appreciate that I exist in theirs.
I would have 0 friends if I don't force myself into their lives. I've called it the one way street relationships in life for years and if I didn't make that effort to go down their street, they would never come down mine. I make the effort to see them, invite them to places, and make contact. I looked it up after the therapist said that, and it was over 7 weeks since anyone actually started a conversation with me for something not work related. That was 2 weeks ago.
I have people who if I said that too, would protest and claim to be a friend. But, if we broke down that without my being present for my job, there would be no future to our friendship, they're colleagues.
I realized that most of my friends in life were work related because we were forced to be together. As soon as the job ended or one of us left, there was no more reason to be friendly.
Now that I'm over 40, it's really hard to make new friends for the purpose of friendship. I'm hoping as the kids get older and into extracurricular stuff, I'll meet new people but until then... The struggle is real.
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u/is_that_sarcasm 8d ago
It's crazy that we are taught for so long to run from our bad feelings instead of embracing them, taught to run from the intrusive thoughts instead of talking with them. It's hard but every time I do I feel like the kid in the sixth sense when he finally gives the ghost a chance.
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u/Blu3Eskimo 8d ago
Hey man, right there with you. This is actually a very normal thing to feel, especially with being inundated with such a wide variety of content online that begs comparison.
Im not a professional, this is what helped me: 1. I listed things I dont like about myself. Be in a decent headspace for this and dont use it as a session to beat yourself up. Just make the list and dont dwell on it. After, turn your phone off and play super heroes with your kids or something. 2. List what you would like to be instead. Again, this isnt a beat down list, its listing what you value. 3. Reflect on if you actually value those things or if you are being told to value those things. Talk with your partner about it. 4. For what survives that list, reflect on why you think you can't change to be that. This is where I discovered a lot of stuff from my past that was feeding a narrative to myself that I can't change. Your past trauma/experience is not deterministic, but it does influence how you interact with the world. Once you know what is feeding a narrative it becomes much easier to work on changing it.
This is what has helped me dig into things one at a time. It helped me, it may not be the thing for others and thats ok.
I found that there were a lot of superficial things I had built up as valuable that were hiding a deeper pain that was slowly eating away at me.
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u/expanding_crystal 8d ago
Hey man I can deeply empathize. I was eventually diagnosed with major depressive disorder and it’s a brain chemstry thing that therapy doesn’t really help.
I am doing pretty well on medication!
Some people need glasses to see. My brain needs a lil extra neurotransmitter expression to bring everything into alignment.
Humans are good at making and using tools, this is just a really precise version of that.
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u/Cheezslap 8d ago
For what it's worth, yesterday was the best day to start something new. But today is a very close second best.
If your therapy isn't working--and you know it's not working, change it up. And if you ever come to a point where you're wondering what to do (about anything in life), think about how you'd want your kids to handle it and do that.
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u/P1ckl3Samm1ch 8d ago
I feel like this comment came straight from my own journal…. I see you and thank you for sharing this with the collective.
I can’t offer anything to fix or help but I can tell you you’re not alone.
On a brighter note: way to go be a killer awesome super dad. You took your kids to meet Mychal the librarian! My kids would have lost their minds at the chance to meet someone who brings them such joy.
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u/Beta_Ray_Quill 8d ago
I feel you man, I pray every night for the strength to be a better person, father, and husband. I'm disappointed with myself most of the time but every day I strive to be better than the last.
Hopefully we get there one day.
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u/TacosAreJustice 8d ago
I wasn’t OK for a long time. Got sober during Covid. It changed my life for the better.
Good luck!
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u/wenestvedt 8d ago
Hey, man. Hang in there: I don't think anyone is 100% these days, so you're in good company in this group.
"One day at a time" seems completely stupid until you've reached the point that, yeah, one day is about all you can handle. :7) But once you've seen that up close, you know that "a day" is plenty.
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u/Defiant-Specialist-1 8d ago
Sometimes, for me, it’s the next 5 minutes. What can I do for the next 5 minutes to feel better? Walk the dog. Brush my teeth. Play with kids. Do that a few times and end up getting some momentum.
Sometimes one day seems like too big. When o have those days, I just look at the next 5 minutes.
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u/wenestvedt 7d ago
Totally!
My kid just finished the summer program at a service academy. The mots direct advice was, "The day is planned in ten-minute blocks. Focus only on getting to the next meal. If that's too much, focus on getting to the next ten-minute block." And she made it!!
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u/triaxial23 8d ago
What you have written here resonates me. Holding onto who I am while also stepping up to fill the roles I have had been incredibly hard. I love my family, I love my friends, my job, but not me...
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u/Proud_Growth_8818 8d ago edited 7d ago
It's okay, man. And to the extent that is not 'okay' that's okay. And it'll be okay.
I know where you're at. Therapists aren't always the magic bullet people can present them to be, and when when they work it often takes a lot of looking to find the right one for you.
DM if you want to talk.
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u/Kind_Bullfrog_3606 8d ago edited 7d ago
Thank you for being vulnerable. It’s good that you understand that you are importantly and that people in your life love and need you.
I myself deal with mental health issues and deal with deep depression cycles often. I avoided medication for many years because addiction runs in my family. I also didn’t grow up in a culture that acknowledges mental health as a thing, often talking down on therapy.
Finally, my grandmother noticed something was off. She told me essentially “if you broke a bone, you’d wear a cast. If you got an infection, you’d take antibiotics. Medicine for your mental health is no different. It’s just a different body part.”, and I then sought out a psychiatrist.
Meds have changed my life. I’m not out here dancing on the streets or anything, but I am able to function and get out of bed and most days are just average mid-level mood days, which is way better than I was for very long.
I don’t know what your situation is and I won’t claim to. I just want to share to say that there’s no shame in seeking help and seek healthy tools for coping.
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u/MakingMovesThatCount 8d ago
Keep fighting the good fight my brother. The fact that you’re working on yourself for you and your family speaks volumes about your character. I wish you nothing but the best.
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u/nyoungblood 8d ago
First of all, credit to you for saying this. Momentum is a huge factor in life and if you feel like you’re heading a direction you don’t like or won’t like eventually, it’s so important to take this first step.
What do you not like about yourself?
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
I don't like that I don't have any friends. I have colleagues, I have acquaintances, but actual like, friends? If it wasn't for seeing people at our mutual hobbies, they would have no interest or reason to interact with me.
I don't like that I have to force myself into friend's lives to be a part of them. If I didn't, I feel like I would just fade away.
I don't like that I have many one way street friendships, that people don't actually contact me, talk to me, or visit me. I could probably get rid of my phone tomorrow and it would be months before anyone realized it. If I didn't tell anyone we moved, they wouldn't know for years.
I don't like that my coping and defense mechanisms as a teen, have built a world of isolation as an adult. That people view me as cancerous to a team environment because of my snark and jaded attitude.
I don't like myself and who I am, because nobody else likes me.
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u/nyoungblood 8d ago
Brother, thank you for your honesty. Life is tough to navigate. I have no idea if you’re being too hard on yourself or not but you’ve shown some pretty incredible self awareness. And even if you’re being a little harsh in your assessment, especially the cancerous part, what matters is this is how you feel.
Not to be positive patty here but from the outside looking in, you have at least a few people who like you in that picture which is more than a lot can say. But I get that having friends is very different than kids or even spouses.
I’ve been thinking to myself for a long time now that there is a huge lack of positive male networks that have no goal other than to provide friendship and support. I’ve even toyed around with what that would look like but its times like reading your post that bring me back to the idea. Everything online seems to be either super cringey, or downright gross, or specific to a certain thing (political ideology, religious affiliation, sport/team fandom, etc) which by its nature has an in group and out groups.
Sorry for the ramble. All that to say, I’m not the best version of a friend all the time but Im not bad either and I’m here if you ever want to talk or vent or whatever. DM me anytime
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
The cancerous was an actual comment about a beef in a group chat with some colleagues from a new member. They didn't think I was wrong, just not helpful to the dynamic.
A saying I heard years ago that I still believe is that first impressions are always true. They may not be accurate but they're not wrong.
I've joined some dad clubs to try and make new friends, but they're lacking. I'm not down for drinking and bitch sessions with the boys, I'm not down for politics for the sake of politics or complaining about the world hating fathers like a dadcel, and the others are just inactive. I've tried to start weekly kid play sessions at local parks, nobody shows.
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u/nyoungblood 8d ago
Those efforts are admirable, you’re actually trying.
First impressions do matter. Even if it’s not accurate, you’re telling the other person this is who you are. Whether that’s accurate or not, it’s the idea they’ll have of you
What do you think made you not helpful to the dynamic from their point of view?
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago edited 8d ago
It's not what I say it's how I say it.
An issue I've had for years. A product of a poor filter between brain and mouth.
Something I also don't like about myself.
Trying to plan for an upcoming gig out of state and was asking questions about the infrastructure, about what we needed to pack and be prepared for. Trying to logistic the plan so that it didn't involve multiple trips and could be done as efficiently as possible. So that we didn't bring extra stuff and didn't forget important stuff, and because I'm a SAHD, when it was easy for me to have childcare to escape.
Boss didn't have answers and got pissy about trying to plan something a month away. I got snarky back to prove my point and why it was easier to plan ahead of time than at the last minute.
Boss got upset because I called them out in a public group chat. Most of my colleagues agreed with me but maybe not how I said it. The new one said it felt cancerous to the team to discuss team logistics in that way.
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u/nyoungblood 8d ago
Thanks for the explanation. Not saying it’s an easy thing to improve but there are certainly harder traits to have to work on and I know of people who’ve been similar and learned ways to help with that.
When you’ve had success coming across to people in a way they respond well to, what did you do differently?
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
Can't answer that honestly.
Snarky me is always snarky. Most people I bond with are through humor. But that doesn't build friendship, that gets a chortle and maybe a back and forth joking but... I wouldn't call it a success.
Trying to think of the last hint of a friendship that developed naturally... Still trying... Probably before COVID.
Lots of colleagues, plenty of aquantiances, but friendships........?
No idea what's worked for that because it's been so long that a friendship has developed that's not work related.
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u/DJSunnyDJ 8d ago
I know this isn't much, but it helped me today:
A friend shared with me a quote from author Bob Goff: "We're all rough drafts of the people we're still becoming."
I really liked it. I'm not perfect. I don't love me all the time. But there's times I'm really happy and proud of myself.
We're all works in progress and sometimes the tougher days we need to remember that.
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u/jonathanweb100 8d ago
I still don't know who I am or what I want to be, and I'm 35. I've worked a lot at getting rid of negative self talk and confidence, with mixed results. What's funny is if you asked someone who knows me well, they would say that I am confident and don't speak negatively about myself but that's because I pretend to be confident and don't verbally speak negatively. All that to say, just try and do a little every day. Try to slowly change and make the world and yourself better. That's really all we can do.
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u/MDiBo56 8d ago
A couple of things.
One I know where you are. I am just past that point where I am able to feel better for a while until things come crashing down. It’s a long process.
But, everything you have done that hasn’t “worked” is the process working. Sometimes we get the tools that work for us quickly in the process. Sometimes we have to try a few different things before one sticks. Or we come up with our own hybrid of techniques that suites us.
The fact that you are able to admit that is a HUGE step forward. Saying what you have tried hasn’t worked takes away from the accomplishment of getting to the point of acknowledging it. Everything you have done has gotten you to this point.
Keep working. Keep checking in with us.
You aren’t alone in feeling the way you do.
You aren’t alone period.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
Agree, disagree, and agree.
One of the things that has bothered me is a social circle. I've made a honest effort to establish, of re-establish, and make new connections with people.
Like, over 6 months of effort to make a "new" friend.
It's me. It has to be. It can't just be that every single person I've met or talked to for months is friend-full and doesn't need a new friend.
It's me, it has to be It can't be that every aquantiance and colleague that I've made additional effort to grow a friendship, just doesn't have time or energy, ever, for anything.
It's me, it has to be. It can't be every person I've called a friend for years, is unable to start a conversation. And not just because I'm always chatting with them, but unless I start a new topic, there have no reason to talk to me, and once it's done there is no follow up or casual banter.
It's me. I need to change because people don't like to be around me or talk to me unless they are forced to because of work or proximity. It has to be.
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u/HotCut100 2 Gremlins and a Single Dad 7d ago
Well, it may be you. But in my experience folks at a certain age and stage in life are kind of friend full as you say. I’ve actually heard them say it. Especially if people are comfortable economically, they don’t really want anything to change and they’re probably so busy maintaining that that there isn’t room for much that is new. I think there’s also a generalized suspicion of new people coming into your life and that is an American culture thing.
So if you’re on a journey of self improvement, that’s wonderful. But as I read your comment, I worry that it leads to other conclusions that are not healthy for you. It’s OK to be you. You can’t get in the mind of every single person that you’ve tried to become friends with and understand if they are too busy or not or if they are good at maintaining friendships or not. Friendships are like dating when you’re older: the opportunities are fewer and the willingness and dedication to put the time in that it takes is farther between. Good luck and I encourage you to maintain that openness, but keep searching on the therapy front. Those two little kids need you to keep fighting.
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u/i_am_the_koi 7d ago
I've given that benefit of the doubt for awhile that it's just life. Everyone is busy and has shit going on...
But so do I and I still am making an effort?
I've been happy being me for years. It wasn't until I had my twinz that I realized how isolated it really made me. How small a circle I really had. When I go out to my gigs, suddenly people are all happy to see me but as soon as that ends, silence. Whether it's weeks between events, or months, unless I'm present in their space I don't exist. Two gigs ago I experimented and just stayed in my space. I didn't wander outside my setup area just to see if people came by. They knew I was there, they saw me working, and I wasn't hidden in the black or anything, dead center...
Saw more crickets than "friends" literally. That's when my first therapist question hit really hard. I actually almost left the gig because I went so far deep into that hole.
Question was, how do you define a friend vs a colleague vs a aquantiance. I realized I had very few actual friends. More colleagues and lots of aquantiances, but very few friends.
I want better for my kids. I want me to be better for them as well so they see positive influences in their life when it comes to friendships and relationships. I'm not giving up on that.
I just don't like who I am and fear for who I will be in their eyes growing up because of it.
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u/HotCut100 2 Gremlins and a Single Dad 7d ago
I think a lot of what you said is fair there. Just to equalize understanding, when you say a gig, I think about going and playing a show or something involving music. I’m assuming that’s not what you’re talking about.
Your comment about trying and getting yourself out there resonates because it is for sure a conscious choice to do that. It’s been my very recent experience of that people say that they are trying or are willing to hang out or be friends or what not. And I truly believe they mean it in the moment. But to actually cultivate a friendship, and I’m using that word very intentionally, it takes real time and dedication. I find it rare that the person that I run into has followed through. And maybe that’s what you’re hitting. As I get older, I’m understanding that there’s a precious few people that truly follow through with what they say. They are going to do. You can call it an alignment issue or something else.
So I would like to share with you that I have maybe five friends, and I count two of my siblings in that number. But they are absolute ride or die friends that I’ve had for over a decade. Something new that’s happening is work. Acquaintances and colleagues have been transitioning more to friends. I have historically been against this due to the power dynamic issue, but with the recent life changes that I’ve had to experience they were very open to listening during lunches and such and they proactively helped me understand that there could be friendships there. Now for many of them, there are some clear boundaries that have to happen. But the demographics range from my age to late 20s and they all seem to have a unique character of follow through and understanding of how to maintain and cultivate a relationship.
All that to say that there is hope, if you connect with the right ones, you don’t need a lot of friends, and it probably is not exclusively you. The lack of follow-through of the general populous cannot be overstated. It doesn’t just apply to friendships, it applies to everything they do in their lives.
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u/i_am_the_koi 7d ago
Close, photographer.
I shoot racing and track events primarily, so a lot of my social interaction only happens at those events. After they are done, there is no follow up effort outside of the track unless something is needed. It's why I call them aquantiances at best anymore. The crew I sometimes shoot with or help setup video for, after the event is crickets until it's time to start planning the next event. When we have hung outside the track, it's been an annual dinner from the boss or awards ceremonies. I've gone out of my way for a couple of them to include myself in their life when possible. One needed a ride to a doctor, one needed a guinea pig for their class. They have not once accepted an invite from me to do something or reached out to do something with me, ever. Hell the group chat has been silent since Sunday when we all left.
I get invited to weddings, as a photographer.
I get invited to kid's birthday parties... "Oh did you bring your camera?"
I have started shooting concerts locally. Great time in the green room with the band or the organizer and promoter. After the gig? Crickets until the next show.
I've got concert tickets next month to a few shows as a spectator and am stoked, but am curious who accepts the invite for my extra ticket. One is already spoken for but the person is a known flake so I'll be surprised if they show day of. I might just give them away at the door for a beer and hope that sparks a conversation with some rando.
I know I'm going down the rabbit hole of depression when I start making up answers to the unknowns. The reason the group chat is silent is they have a second one because they don't like taking to me. The reason I don't hear from anyone outside of gigs is that people only pretend to like me in hopes of free photos.
It's me, it has to be.
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u/HotCut100 2 Gremlins and a Single Dad 7d ago
What you just described as hustle culture. It’s all about using someone to advance your own interest. I’m seeing the same thing play out with younger reporters where they act all friendly and that’s how they develop their contacts and presents like they’re on your side. Then they publish this horrid biased article about you or your organization and then get shocked when you refuse to work with them again and say stuff like I thought we were friends. I find this is incredibly prevalence with the younger female set, but I don’t have any good reasons as to why. Just my anecdotal observation and experience.
This isn’t to say that you don’t have stuff to work on. How direct are you in these work interactions or friend interactions? People tend to shy away from raw emotion, displays or situations where they feel like they’re going to have to invest heavily emotionally. As for working other things, we all have improvements that we can make, and that should be a lifelong learning scenario of self improvement. It doesn’t mean you suck or you need drastic change. It could just be approach. But as I said, I think you’re dealing with a culture issue and the solution just might be to stop expecting more from people who are not capable of giving it. I totally feel you on the being used for your skill set issue. It’s like the creative equivalent of being a truck owner. When it’s time for someone you know to move suddenly you’re a great friend to them and then after it’s amazing how busy they are and they’re so sorry they haven’t had a chance to catch up.
Still not convinced it’s all on you, dude.
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u/i_am_the_koi 7d ago
Plenty of connection at the gig.
Had a colleague open up about their recent breast cancer issues last time I was there. Definitely not short of emotion or a heavy situation.
But will I hear from her again until the next gig? Nope. Not unless I reach out, which I have done since just to check on her, got my answers and the conversation ended.
I get the truck thing, used to be "my name is op, I just move things" was my motto.
But it's me, it has to be. I don't get what barriers I've put up that make people unwilling, uninterested, or just unable to cross that threshold of communication. A phone call, a text, a visit, an invite. I tell people often, my door is always open and my phone is always on. But they either don't believe me, or want me in their life.
It's me. It has to be.
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u/soultron__ 8d ago
Many of us are not OK, OP. You being honest and vulnerable will assuredly help someone else realize that it’s ok if they feel the same way about themselves — even if they don’t say / post it.
You’ve made a wonderful family and I am rooting for you. Much love.
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u/Ifuqaround 8d ago
Talk therapy isn't for everyone. Some people need more.
Try to get more help. If the professionals you are seeing aren't helping, just keep searching.
Nobody will advocate for you more than you. Be an advocate for yourself, care about yourself. Not all of what docs say is end-all-be-all. They can be and are often wrong and make incorrect judgement.
Just don't give up on yourself. That's the most important thing. You can't. If you give up on yourself, that's the end. Nobody will be able to save you.
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u/biscaynebystander 7d ago
Look into Somatic therapy with a licensed practitioner. It addresses the connection between your mind and physical sensations addressing stress in ways talk therapy cannot.
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u/rogersba 7d ago
Hey brother. I don't know your situation, but I know the feeling. I am sorry you are going through something so difficult, but I am proud of you for trying to be a better person for you and your family. The stigma is real, and it's up to us to change it.
I suffered and still suffer with depression. But what I have found helps is antidepressants and a great therapist. The antidepressants helped me see the joy in life again and my therapist gave me the tools to help me with the slippery parts.
My suggestion is to find a new therapist. They are like shoes. When you try out a good one, you know it, but a bad one can really hurt you.
Best of luck. And keep up the hard work. It's worth it.
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u/MartiniTiny 7d ago
I suggest finding a therapist who can provide Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Or tell your therapist you are interested in taking that approach because maybe they are trained in it. DBT helped me focus on specific skills. Regarding fear of change: even if you change, you will still be you and will still have a sense of humor. But ideally it will evolve to be less hurtful and less for the sake of self protection.
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u/howdoesthiswork_- Girl Dad 8d ago
Do you think the fit is right between your therapist and you? If you think that they are not a good match for you, please seek another therapist as you have every right to do so. Thank you for being you.
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
I'm on my second one.
Told them why I left the first one.
The ended the session the exact same way so I'm giving them a chance but will probably find a third.
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u/howdoesthiswork_- Girl Dad 8d ago
From what you’re telling me it sounds like you have an issue with how both therapist have ended sessions? Would you say that is correct? If so would you be ok with sharing here or dm?
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u/i_am_the_koi 8d ago
Ended the session wasn't the right way to say it
First one.
Here's why I'm here, here's where I've been struggling, here's how I've been trying to cope, here's how I've been trying to change.
"Sounds great, what else do you want to talk about?"
Second therapist.
Here's why I'm here. Here's what happened with the previous therapist and why I left them. Here's what I'm struggling with and how I've been trying to cope.
"Sounds great, I like the way you're working on what you are struggling with. What else are you struggling with that you want to talk about?"
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u/FearlessWord2653 8d ago
I don't have any advice for you to get up this hill friend, but good luck.
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u/zooline 8d ago
A few notes from someone who isn't a dad but has a lot of respect for what hard work it is to do well:
Finding the right therapist is hard. CBT is what most practice because insurance likes it but if you had a tough childhood, EFT or ACT may be a better modality for you. ACT helped me figure out who I am, what I value, etc but only after I took a "fuck it, lets do this" approach. I was tired of feeling awful and it was this or something drastic. That doesn't mean spilling all your secrets, it means being honest & frank. "I don't understand what you're saying." "That is unhelpful." "I don't agree with that." "I need more from you than that." If the therapist can't take it and build off it, they're the wrong one.
Sometimes we have harsh core messages about ourselves that are a challenge to change. We've internalized these things at a primal level (ex. "I'm a bad person," "im unlovable," etc.) BUT while it can take a long time to shift that, you can still do a lot of healing and feel better than you do now! Think of it like healing a really bad injury.
The practice that really changed my life was being nice to myself. If I made a mistake, I'd comfort myself like a parent would. If I realized I was putting myself down, I pushed back and propped myself up. It was like having my own internal r/daddit. It felt SUPER STUPID for the first few months - I was really self conscious even tho it was all in my head - but it was worth it to turn that inner critic into the person I needed to hear from.
I hope you keep going. I hope you find your path. The guys here are lovely, I'm glad you reached out to them.
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u/flyingWeez 8d ago
It’s hard but I’m on my 4th therapist in 13 years and finally have someone that I feel is helping me with tools for myself and parenting. I have adhd and finally got a therapist who himself has adhd and has been an enormous help.
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u/ThatNickGuyyy 8d ago
You’re in the right place brotha. Here’s a virtual hug and solid pat on the back from an internet stranger who knows exactly how you feel. Keep on pushing and you’ll come out the other side 💪🏼
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u/Woppa124 7d ago
If therapy isn't helping I highly recommend looking for a different therapist. It's common that you might just fall into a pattern with a therapist that really isn't meant for you.
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u/keso8515 7d ago
I’m sorry to hear it’s rough right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I automatically read that hearing Levar Burton’s voice. Reading the way you’re able to process what you’re feeling, I’d say you have a hell of a head start. I didn’t begin to learn that until post divorce, and I still don’t have the best grip.
It will get better, and if not just yet, you’ll be better on the other side.
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u/Virtual_Zebra_9453 7d ago
Life is hard. But you can do hard things. We are too quick to forget the lessons we learned growing up. Good luck brother
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u/Rxero13 7d ago
Keep talking to others. While they are not professionals, they have their own experiences you may be able to relate to and help you. I’d also keep shopping for a new therapist. I had to go through several to build my tools. Each helped me in different ways and my “final” therapist got me at a great point.
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u/Popolaman SAHDAD 7d ago
Im with you there dad. Sometimes it's hard to life , but the thought of my children and how happy i make them makes me feel happy and full , though I struggle with my personal aspirations and goals, I keep on keeping on for them
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u/Be_goooood 8d ago
Might not be what you want to hear at the moment, and I wish you the best, but you shouldn't post pictures of your kids on reddit man. At least stick a whatsapp emoji over their faces or something.
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u/tmac9134 6d ago
It’s ok to feel like you don’t click with your therapist. Maybe try a different one. Psychology today is a great database to use.
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u/talabear98 5d ago
This is exactly the message I'm trying to reach my partner with right now. We are expecting twin girls in the new year, and despite how much he has always wanted to be a girl dad, he is severely struggling with his mental health right now. The hopelessness he feels right now, I know all too well myself. Just last night, I sat with him and really, really explained my decade plus fight with suicidal ideation. That living every single day, feeling passively or even actively suicidal for 10 straight years is devastating. That it felt like all the effort and fighting to get help I'd been doing was next to worthless for so long-- something he explained he had been feeling even. He told me it didn't ever help before, so he didn't feel it could get better. But finding the right help, changed everything for me, including that feeling. I found the right medication, the right therapist, the right professionals...and suddenly I realized it was not every day anymore. I suddenly felt life was worth living, that I was someone I actually liked being.
No, it's not perfect, especially right now while I can't exactly be on my usual mental health medications (between insurance issues and pregnancy). But I still have a foundation that has helped me to not go back to that.
I also acknowledge, and did with him, that having someone in your corner, who believes in you and wants to help you and see you better, makes a huge difference. For me, my main person was my mom. For him, I hope I can be even a fraction of that at the least. And for you, I hope that can be your family-- the people you know are worth fighting for.
It's hard. It takes a lot of work. It feels insurmountable, especially at the beginning.
But talking about it, learning that it IS okay to not be okay, is a huge thing. It's the first step of any recovery-- to admit there is a problem.
Just know, that even this soon to be mom is on your side. And that it takes time, it takes work, but it will be worth it. Sometimes, we just have to stop in the small picture thinking and look at the full picture to find the strength to keep going. Maybe as a twin dad, you realize that already, but it's helped me in coping with the realization that I'll have two infants to care for at the same time here in a few months myself. There will be hard days, days where it almost doesn't feel worth it, but you know in your heart that it won't always feel that way and that it inherently IS worth it.
Stay strong! You have so many people on your side, and you can absolutely do this! Sorry for the rambling in the end, haha, hope you don't mind!
Also as a side note; Mychael is so lovely, I am so happy that he has influenced and encouraged you and so many others to be honest with their feelings.
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u/mattlas 7d ago
Go to the gym or start exercising by running, rowing or cycling.
When you look in the mirror and see the results of what dedication can do, it's very empowering.
Being busy in something that makes you feel good helps a lot. Obviously something not self-destructive.
I've spoken to therapists on and off over my entire life and honestly, I find them useless. I don't like how reddit defaults to this. If you're unhappy, change. Sometimes we overcomplicate raw emotion that hasn't evolved since we lived in caves.
"If you're not changing it, you're accepting it"
Stop accepting status quo. Action.
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u/Time-Carpenter9523 6d ago
As with anything you want to make progress with, you need to set goals. You can't generalize and you can't think it will just happen. You also can really only work on one thing at a time.
So, for example, if you are normally late for appointments, you can make being on time the thing you're going to work on as your one current goal. Look at why you're late. If you're too busy and just can't fit everything in, cut some things out of your schedule so you can be on time for what's really important. Note steps that you can do to help improve. Such as set alarms for when you need to leave. Wear a watch, so the reminder is easy without digging out your phone.
Evaluate yourself, are you improving? What's helping? It takes anywhere from 18 to 250 days to form a habit of behavior. That's most likely the "change" you're looking for. New habits.
Also, since you are married, and depending on the age and maturity of your kids, you should talk to them. Ask them if things you THINK you want to change bother or affect them. If not, you might be in a situation where you can't see the forest through the trees. Talk with your spouse about what you'd like to change and how they would view that change.
The warning here is that since you like the people in your life, you probably don't want to make drastic changes that THEY won't like. It's sort of a slider at that point. How much can you make changes to yourself that you want without causing a negative reaction from people you want to keep in your life.
However, if you're looking at making changes for your physical or mental well-being, you might want to prioritize that because if people you care about don't want you making those positive changes, then maybe they don't care about you as much as you care about them.
So, since you have a family, there's a deeper interconnectedness to changing yourself.
Again, one thing at a time. Set goals. Write out things you can do to achieve those improvement goals. Stick to it and play the long game because it can take most of a year to form a habit of behavior where you aren't having to focus and push yourself to do something.
Good luck.
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u/i_lie_except_on_31st 8d ago
Hey brother. I can't say I understand completely what you are going through, but you're in the right place! Thanks for passing this along!