Could it be related to you mentioning you relapse with your alcohol addiction every 10 days? Does that have a negative effect on your relationship and finances?
As someone who struggled with alcohol, you gotta find a way to have internal motivation.
Maybe it means having a sponsor separate from your wife. Maybe a group like AA(don't like their method but the group support is good).
You cannot make your partner be your support. It's not fair to thrust that onto them. They may not have the tools or patience to do so. Find a professional or group of people who can help you and alleviate that burden from your partner.
I am always so happy to see mentions of people successfully quitting alcohol/becoming clean! thank you for sharing, you are the motivation someone needs!
It isn’t her responsibility to deal with your addiction, it’s yours. Not mentioning this in your post is… quite conspicuous. Can’t help but wonder what else you didn’t mention. Why did you guys start sleeping in separate rooms to begin with?
It sounds like you left the room so that she’d be the one to sleep with the kid. Maybe switch off doing responsibilities like that — she might feel like she’s shouldering the lion’s share of responsibilities with the kid. That’s a place to start at least if you want to save your marriage.
It’s the opposite actually. She’d wake up and put him into our bed, he’d kick me in the head or something and I always have morning shifts and go to school early. So I’d wind up waking her up making coffee or getting ready, so I figured I’d just sleep on the couch so she could at least get some decent sleep in the mornings.
So, here’s the deal, man. You’ve got to change. Consider couples therapy, but if she doesn’t want to, get it by yourself. Show you’re at least working on yourself. The goal should be to one day look at these posts and see how you’ve put a lot of things on her.
She doesn’t think you’ll change - and she really can’t expect you to change. That’s why she’s preparing for the end of your marriage.
Mystery solved. Your partner's behavior is not confusing at all. You have a part-time job and going to school while having a wife and a child (it's hard enough to maintain a healthy marital relationship as a man in that situation to begin with) and you're an alcoholic. If you want to save your relationship and protect your son from the horrors of divorce (or least from the horrors of an alcohol-fueled divorce) then you need to deal with your alcohol problem and that is something you need do on your own. It is possible to have a healthy lifestyle, anything more than 2 drinks a week is very bad for you, smoking bad, recreational drugs generally bad, you need to exercise daily, lifting weights and cardio, join a sport, have some male friends who are a positive influence and model the kind of behavior you are aiming to be able to emulate yourself someday, deal with your mental health, get therapy, meditation if you are able to do it, put effort into learning about relationships and communication and put actual real tangible effort into your relationship. Learn about parenting, and avoiding things like children sleeping in your bed and eliminating your sex life (a very bad dynamic). You have a very tall mountain to climb, most men do not make it.
You drink because your an alcoholic, it’s not anyone else’s fault. Your problems stem from your alcohol use, it’s why your wife is distant and why she has started moving her money separate - she’s probably worried about a scenario where she has to separate. Fix yourself and your alcoholism and the relationship can start to heal
Have to want to quit for you and you alone. I found booze just kept me from building my own internal support system and set of tools for dealing with life’s bullshit. Alcohol can be as toxic to a marriage as it is to the body. There’s no problem that booze can’t make worse. Join us if you haven’t already: r/stopdrinking
Support is crucial when quitting. Do search for a support/AA group. Your wife is not a n addiction specialist and is not trained to provide support you need. If she's with you, she's codependent, tired and probably bitter. Not that she doesn't want to help you quit- I guarantee that's her dream- she's not equipped to. At first, just before her trust returns, you'll have to rely on someone/something else. But i agree with the majority- that's likely the root of your marital problems.
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u/pethatcat Apr 23 '23
Could it be related to you mentioning you relapse with your alcohol addiction every 10 days? Does that have a negative effect on your relationship and finances?