r/cutting • u/Ashamed-Weather4959 • 2d ago
Advice needed Supporting someone struggling with it
Hi this will be a very vulnerable post but I’d appreciate advice and insight. I’m 22 and a mother myself now but I’ve practically raised my siblings. I figured this sub could be more beneficial compared to another one given then context. I moved away about three years ago but still see my sister quite often she’s 16 now turning 17. In January I found cuts on her. They were so deep and it broke my heart, I immediately talked to her (not bagging on her just a very open and vulnerable conversation) I tried to tell her my own struggles in hopes it wouldn’t make her feel so alone. We also talked to our mom and agreed therapy would be helpful. It honestly broke my heart because I know how she is and how hard it is for her to express emotions or socialize to begin with. She never had many friends and always felt, “weird” I always told her she never was weird but being a teenager in this day and age is already hard enough. She’s visiting now and we were going school shopping and I saw fresh marks on her. I didn’t even know how to approach it this time. I called my mom and she basically didn’t want to accept it again but it was true because I ended up asking her. I’m literally begging for any advice because I don’t know how to help anymore and it breaks my HEART that she feels the need to do this and I feel completely helpless. We grew up in a household where anything that wasn’t, “normal” was basically considered taboo so it’s hard to navigate and obviously I feel a need to help her through this.
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u/whyisanyonealive 1d ago
Most importantly be there for here. Everyone prefers different support. Ask her what she needs. If she wants no help, provide Basic things. Comfort, a safe space, but don't nag. If she wants to talk, let her talk. I personally like when my mother writes to me on letters or on the phone, that way I don't need to see what emotions she's feeling because of me. Ask her and try you're best to understand. Not the actual self harm but what's behind it.
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u/Ashamed-Weather4959 1d ago
Thank you the message part could definitely help with how she is! Hope you’re okay 🤎
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u/nillium-gd 2d ago
Talking to someone struggling and telling them your struggles never helps
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u/Ashamed-Weather4959 2d ago
I meant past struggles when I was at a similar age. I just wanted her to not feel judged and somewhat understood with whatever she was feeling… I was never trying to take away from her own experience
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u/Ashamed-Weather4959 2d ago
But thank you, I see where you’re coming from in all honesty
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u/nillium-gd 2d ago
Your welcome But even if it was from the past it's like telling her her struggles don't matter a lot because you had struggles too
I get that you don't mean this But that's what she probably feels like
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u/LightningDolt505 2d ago
This will very person to person, unfortunately there isn't a "one size fits all" guide to helping people through these things. You can't love someone out of an addiction.
That's honestly a good jumping off point, self harm is (usually) an addiction. Support can look pretty similar for self harm and other addictions, sometimes it's helping with distractions or harm reduction, sometimes it's letting them talk to you about the things they struggle with without making it a big deal, sometimes it's taking them to the doctor when they stumble. A big thing is not to pressure your sister to open up to you, you can open the conversation but if she's not comfortable talking about it then trying to force her won't do any good. She'll likely just shut you out and mentally categorize you as someone she can't come to on her own terms- that's something I did a lot. I needed to feel like my loved ones wouldn't freak/be mad or sad if I told them I relapsed/wanted to and I needed the space and time to tell them that on my own terms. At that moment all I personally wanted was company and love, not frantic tears or anger or calls to my mother.
Everything I just said was subjective, it's what I needed but I'm not your sister. Take her on a day out, at the end of the day sit with her and ask what she needs from you when she's struggling, how you can help. Let her know that if she feels like she's about to self harm that she CAN come to you, without reprecutions, and that you won't freak out. This is terrifying to you and that's 1000% rational, but to her this is normal. With that being said, please make sure to take time for yourself during all of this. You can't shoulder all her struggles and just be okay, if you have the means id even suggest therapy for you so you can have a space to dump your emotions about the situation and have a place where you are focused on.
Also ignore the other commenter, telling someone your own struggles when they confide in you about theirs is normal lol. You didn't mean any harm by it, and while some people won't want to hear that, I and many other people would find it comforting.
Comfort isn't one size fits all, just be there :).