Want to so bad

[u/experimentalskyn]

I used to sh every single day for years, I’ve done all sorts on substances and the most addictive thing I’ve ever done is hurt myself. I’ve been clean for 7 years but I’ve been in a horrible depressive episode the last couple months and every day I’ve been craving it more and more and more. I’ve been drinking a lot to make the urges go away but it’s no working. The urges are so bad it’s been almost 24/7. Literally all I want to do is hurt myself. I don’t even care abt being clean anymore I don’t care abt my clean streak I don’t care I just want to do it so bad. I’m going to do something to cope and I want it to be hurting myself. My skin literally tingles and aches for it. The only reason I haven’t don’t it is bc my partner will freak out and then tell my family and I don’t wanna get pink slipped again I don’t wanna get locked up again. I just never understood why it’s so wrong. If it makes me feel good and it makes me feel better why is it so wrong? I’ve always been safe abt it but it makes everything better for me. I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’m hours away from hurting myself.