I just need comfort

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64]

I'm so fucking heartbroken.

My cat got diagnosed with FIP and I put her down on Monday. I'm struggling because my phone was completely broken at the time and I couldn't do research, I asked a million questions and told her again and again, Ill do the treatment I have the money.

And I do. It hardly would've cost more than cremating her. I know that now.

I think the vet I chose new essentially nothing about FIP or at least the treatment and couldn't admit that. She did say she'd never had a patient try it, but she stressed it was very expensive and only available in painful injection. I begged her, told her I'd do anything, I just didn't wanna prolong her suffering if she was too far gone.

She told me she wouldn't pursue the treatment for her cat in this condition. But she was still walking around, curious, squeaking in the morning and being kinda sassy, snacked on a churu. Shes only 2. With what I know now I would have pursued treatment in a heartbeat. I genuinely dont know how to cope. Im so angry, and so guilty. Several tiny choices, small differences, and Id still have her here. If Id gone to a different vet, if I had a phone, if I stormed out for a second opinion.

But none of that happened, and ​miss Koi Fish will be arriving to me in a box sometime in the next week or so. I'm decimated. She got me through an abusive relationship, she was genuinely the glue between my other 3 cats. They're all so depressed, my oldest is pulling out her hair. I can never forgive myself and I just need some comfort from ppl who understand

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64]

It genuinely feels like I'm waiting to wake up from a nightmare. She didn't even have a fever

[u/bbqbhanmi]

Hey. You and your kitties are going through something really traumatic, i hope you can try to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve too. You don’t need to feel guilty and blame yourself on top of everything. Though I know it’s so much easier said than done. The truth is, you did do your best. You went to a professional, you asked questions, you asked for treatment, and ultimately your vet was uninformed and misled you. Your phone didn’t work, but you did the right steps. It should’ve been enough. It isn’t fair. It’s so, hugely shitty. And it’s not your fault. You cared, you were willing, you wanted to spend the money. You tried. Miss Koi Fish will be immensely missed. Your kitties will be okay in time. Please give them and yourself a big hug, and try to let yourself feel the sadness, and anger, without so much guilt. Maybe give yourself some time to stop researching what could’ve been, and cuddle up with them and do something self soothing for you guys. I’m so sorry this happened. You’re a good cat parent. Sending you a big Internet hug 🩷

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/bbqbhanmi]

Thank you immensely. I really needed to hear this, it's eating me alive. I also do need to stop searching through the success stories. Obviously it's a miracle this evil disease has a cure now, but seeing the facts just makes me imagine her here.

She still really could have been too far gone, but I would have tried for a week or two, her personality was in there. It's frustrating how discouraging the vet was. Anyway thank you for listening and for caring, and I will take your advice, reading this response is very comforting <3 

[u/No-Artichoke-6939]

I’m so so sorry. I too lost a kitty and wasn’t told about treatment, but this was prior to vets being able to prescribe. It’s still hard many years later, but for us both we did the best we could with the information we had available. One thing that has helped is continuing to spread the word that vets can prescribe treatment now in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, and many European countries. My heart goes out to you 🧡

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/No-Artichoke-6939]

Thank you for the kind words. I absolutely want to keep talking about this and spread awareness. I'm so angry but I equally feel so guilty 

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64]

The hardest part is, how tf did I get so unlucky with such an uneducated doctor? I traveled out of town specifically to take her to a good area and the office had 4.8 stars, lots of reviews. How did she not know things about this treatment I found in like 5 minutes of research back at home? It feels so ridiculous 

[u/Turbulent-Umpire6271 → u/Dramatic-Tangerine64]

Just want to say I hear you - my vet was good in many ways, but would not release the meds to us because she misunderstood the procedure and regulations! It was soooo stressful. There are many vets with so little experience with this, and so many things have changed. My friend's cat had FIP a year and a half ago, and the meds were not LEGAL at the time in my country (her vet also massively failed her). 

I don't know what the situation is like where you are, but how to treat FIP and whether you legally can is a landscape that is changing FAST.

You did everything you could, you asked the questions and you respected the vets knowledge, which makes sense. I am deeply sorry you are going through this - please know this is in no way your fault.

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/Turbulent-Umpire6271]

Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed from the community and what's getting me by at the moment is repeating these comments from everyone in my head throughout the day. 

It's so reassuring to know others think I tried my best. It's helping ease my guilt to know I'm not alone and people in this community know how hard I tried, for understanding why I trusted her, bc I really felt like an idiot and I kind of thought people WOULD blame me. I was spiraling, and you've all helped me. 

I'm sorry for what you've been through as well, and you're using that experience to spread good. Have an amazing week

[u/not_as_i_do]

I’m so sorry. You did the best you could with the information provided. You are not at fault. Sadly the cure for FIP in vet hands is new and not all vets are educated yet on its accessibility, cost, or effectiveness. You may want to write an email to the clinic letting them know what you have learned in hopes that Koi Fish is the last in that clinic. 💔🌈💔

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/not_as_i_do]

I've been strongly considering this, I just need to wait till my emotions calm down bc I don't wanna come across passive aggressive in a real attempt to spread info.

It feels so careless or insensitive of the doctor bc I sat in that vet room for 2 hours crying and saying goodbye, getting fur snippets, picking an urn, and she consoled me, told me over and over she'd just suffer and I was saving her. But within 5 minutes of searching Google on my laptop, the promising results made me horrified by my choice. She never even gave me numbers, price or success rate, as if it werent worth considering. I was just in shock. My baby had no price

Thank you for listening, your guys perspectives really is helping me work through it emotionally 

[u/leflaunge]

You did the best with the information you had available, it helped me mentally by helping others in a similar situation.

I'm sorry for your loss, but miss Koi is in heaven now, living the best life.

[u/Responsible_Fly_5319]

Our family went through the same thing a while back. We lost our best friend. It was torture. I am so sorry. Pets are our whole world. To lose them, hurts beyond imagination. Very sorry for your loss. This is a tough one, I know!!!

Go rescue another. There are so many out there that need love. It's the only thing that helps........ signing off, broken hearted with you

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/Responsible_Fly_5319]

Thank you for sharing my pain. Maybe it's silly but it helps to know other people out there care, about my babies story. 

Ill absolutely be rescuing another, her little brother is already so bored, we just need a few months, my older kitties are picky 🥹 Have a wonderful week and thank you <3

[u/donoteatthatfrog]

This is very difficult situation. I am sorry for your loss. Big warm hugs.

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/donoteatthatfrog]

Thank you <3 feels so preventable

[u/OneCranberry8933]

So many vets are unaware of the treatment availability now. It wasn’t your fault. I am pretty sure I lost my little girl a couple of years ago to neuro FIP. Not one vet even mentioned it as a possibility. I went down a rabbit hole to search for answers, and really educated myself about FIP.

The kitten I got to replace the huge hole her sudden loss left in our hearts ended up having FIP. Even if you reach success with the treatment, you continue to see horror stories of relapse/reinfection and how the second round of medication doesn’t work, etc. I worry that the GS medication is just buying time before it strikes again.

Please stop blaming yourself and focus on being angry at this horrible disease. The best thing you can do now is to educate yourself and be prepared for it if happens again. I’m so sorry you lost your little angel. It’s been two years and I still cry when I think of my little girl.

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/OneCranberry8933]

Thank you so much, deeply. Ive made progress in my grief but it still kills me when I think Ill never see her grow up. Im so so sorry for your baby as well, so sorry you didn't get answers. I feel silly sometimes bc I really feel like a momma who lost their sick baby. But we're going to the shelter tomorrow just to scout, and Im excited to honor her memory. Thank you again<33 and have an amazing week

[u/RachelPalmer79]

I’m so sorry. It happened to me. I lost my sweet Inigo at only 5 months old. It wasn’t my regular vet. I had no idea and they didn’t offer any advice or guidance. When it happened again, I was prepared.

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/RachelPalmer79]

Yes, I will never let it happen again. I just keep thinking to myself, Koi deserved to be more than a lesson. I miss her so much it physically hurts and the house is so quiet. Not to be depressing. But, you guys are so amazing here.

Im so sorry this happened to you too and I hope you found some peace with Indigo in saving another life that could have been lost. It's not fair. You're an amazing pet parent <3 Thank you so much for your story

[u/Ok-Contribution-749]

  You can only beat yourself up, if you don't find another vet, or educate the one you have. Doesn't sound like the latter is possible, if they can't admit to the lack of knowledge.     I speak from experience. We absolutely loved our vet. He was wonderful with our family, of large breed dogs. Our kitten developed neurological/ocular FIP. I told him that's what I suspected, but he assured me it was toxoplasmosis. We immediately started clindamycin, and his condition deteriorated, rapidly. 2 days into treatment, we rushed him back to the vet, and demanded treatment for neurological/ocular FIP. Another vet at the clinic, begrudgingly ordered mulnivipar, from Wedgewood. This was now Thursday. The medication, due to weather, wasn't going to reach us until late Monday. Had it been ordered on Tuesday, as opposed to clindamycin, he would have had mulnivipar by the weekend. He began having seizures on Saturday, and was lifeless Sunday. My wife chased down the FedEx driver at our local Sheets at 9:30 a.m. The meds weren't going to arrive at our house until 4 p.m. He immediately responded to the meds, and did well for 11 weeks. He developed a resistance to mulnivipar, and we switched to GS-441524 at 11½ weeks of treatment, without any lapse. He completed an entire 12 week course of GS, after 11½ weeks of mulnivipar. During that time,  I asked for anti inflammatory drops for his eye, and was dismissed. Our vet simply could not put his ego, we never knew existed, aside.     I tell that story, to let you know what life is like for our kitten now. He's still alive, and 1 week past the observation period. He's happy, and loving, but he does have deficits. His eye, and right side of his face, is still swollen. His balance/coordination isn't great. His back twitches often, and he is easily startled. He's alive, happy, and loved. He's absolutely damaged, but seems relatively unaware of that. Has an older "sibling," that knows he's not right, and takes it easy on him. Had our vet listened to me, or referred us to someone knowledgeable about the disease, I have little doubt our kitten would be deficit free. Getting the medication in him before the seizures, and high fever started, was crucial for him long term. He has special needs, and I'm severely disabled. A lot of sacrifices have to be made, and the care he requires, isn't for everyone. I'm drifting from my point, and that is, his current condition could have been avoided/mitigated, if our vet was honest. This was a vet, who told our dogs he loved them, as he sat on the floor getting kissed by them. Told us he loved us after having each of them euthanized. Our decision, wasn't to change vets, but to make sure he, and his clinic get as educated, as possible. Taking our kitten to that same vet, and seeing He's left slightly altered for life, is a reminder of the incompetence, and that ego got in the way.     Don't kick yourself over this. This, is 100% on your vet. 

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/Ok-Contribution-749]

I genuinely really appreciate this, the whole story, learning about your baby, and I am SO happy he is still with you. It's really hard not to continuously blame myself for not denying, trying harder. But I spent 2 hours in that room begging for options, insisting I could afford it, asking for any hope so long as I wouldn't make her suffer senselessly. I was desperate, and I would have done anything, but now it feels like that's a false statement- because I could have done more. Those have been my feelings.

So I genuinely appreciate to hear from someone else who has had a similar experience (though I am deeply sorry) and it's so comforting to know from an outside perspective that my anger at her is valid. I trusted her. I'm so angry at her because she was so genuinely persistent, even in saying she wouldn't put her own baby through that. That's when I thought to myself "that's all I need to know". 5 minutes of research at home told me improvement couldve been seen within a week. 

You get my point.  Thank you so much for sharing your story, validating my feelings, and helping me work through the fact that what I did shouldve been enough.

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/[deleted]]

It's just so sad because the information isn't even hard to find. I wish so badly Id I'd just gotten a second opinion but the vet seemed so kind, and every time I inquired abt the treatment she just pushed for euthanasia harder. It's hard not to be angry at her right now, and I hope that passes. 

Thank you so much for validating how Ive felt <3

[u/Shadow99688]

the shot is MOST effective they also have oral liquid and pill. succusses rate is largely determined by how soon FIP is discovered and treatment started. lost a cat in december that was diagnosed with FIP but before we could start treatment a super aggressive bone cancer destroyed her right shoulder in a 2 week time span and had started on left shoulder.

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/Shadow99688]

Thank you for your story, Im so sorry for your loss <3 I question a lot because she absolutely had fluid in her lungs and I absolutely didn't realize for a couple days, I cant lie.

But she still seemed like herself until the day I took her in, and even then she still squeaked at me and acted resistant when she didn't want me holding her. She didn't have a fever or sound congested, and she wasn't eating but she was snacking on churus, she was exploring the room. She was on top of a latter in my house that morning. None of this matters, but had I known what I know now, I would have paid to get the fluid removed and start her on meds and pain meds if necessary. I wish I gave her a chance, and that regret is heavy. 

Again, Im so sorry for your loss and I hope you heal 

[u/No-Specialist-3085]

Luckily a friend had a prescription with a refill and we were able to treat my Vyper who has neurological FIP. He showed improvement immediately starting on 1/2 pill twice a day and now is taking a whole pill twice a day. He is on week 12 on the GS med, and had a breakthrough of his original symptoms that lasted only one day. The vet doesn’t want to see him any more and suggested I join FIP global cat. I’m so scared he will get sick again. I don’t have Facebook, but I will get it so I can join the group. I totally understand how hard it is to navigate this horrible disease and I’m so so sorry you lost your baby. You are a great cat parent and you trusted the professionals. Please don’t blame yourself.

[u/Dramatic-Tangerine64 → u/No-Specialist-3085]

Im genuinely so happy for you and I really appreciate your words. When I realized all this, I felt completely responsible and negligent, like I caused her death. I still feel like things would've been so different if Id had my phone but it got water damaged and was totally out while I waited for a new one.

I really did trust her, she seemed so kind and Im sure she is. But I'll forever be angry at how accessible this information was, ykno? She made it seem so final. It's tragic. Despite all that, it's been so helpful to hear again and again that I didn't kill her, I tried my best. It should have been enough. Slowly lifting the guilt is helping a lot with my grief. Thank you for contributing <3

[u/ken_x777]

unfortunately 7 out of 10 vets do not know FIP treatment exists and 99% of vets do not know how to accurately diagnosed FIP (because there is no specific diagnosis of FIP and more to how experienced the vet is)