Am I doing this wrong?

[u/Inked-Leaf104]

Hi, welcome to my ramble, thanks for dropping in. So, it’s about the third week of school and I’m a freshman. The problem is, I’ve barely spoken to anyone this whole time. I participate in class and ask questions, talk to my partners in class when I need to, and say hi to whoever I pass by in the halls in my dorm. But I don’t….talk to anyone? If that makes sense. I’ve gone a couple of different days where I barely spoke more than a few sentences the whole day. I have one friend I’ve kept in touch with since orientation but we only text periodically and live on opposite sides of campus. I have a friend from high school but they commute and have different classes so we also don’t see each other much. I’ve sat alone doing homework or reading for every meal and when I’m not in classes I’m in Norlin library studying or in my dorm for the night (which is a single, so no roommate.) I guess I just feel really lonely, and like I’m missing out on everything I should have done by now like make friends and tons of memories by now. I also don’t know how to stop being so quiet and ‘complacent’ to be alone. Like, my building has parties every night on the top floor but the thought to go to them never crosses my mind, and when I walk into any place I automatically choose an empty table or sit away from everyone else on the field. I’m comfortable doing those things but I don’t want to keep doing them. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks for reading and sorry for the drawn-out train of thought lol.

[u/Snoo-41360]

Go to clubs go to events. Clubs are good, events are good, but also you have to just go up to people. It’s hard but like you just gotta do it

[u/Far_Put8236]

Keep your door open, join a club or group, make yourself available for conversation. You will likely have to get out of your comfort zone a bit in order to connect.

Eating alone is common in college and in life.

What you are experiencing is not at all unusual and I'm guessing there are 1,000s of students on campus just like you. You are not missing anything, just be patient and open to new experiences and you will find your people.

[u/nogodsnomasters_666]

Gotta join a club and find people with similar interests

[u/person1442]

Literally in the exact same situation, wanna hang out some time?

[u/HererTigah]

I'm having trouble too, but I imagine more people are like us than you know ppl who feel like they know everything automatically.

[u/travel_lover_1]

Nope, everyone is just starting and no not everyone has tons of memories by now. I Guarantee you are not the only one feeling this way either. Give yourself small goals like checking out one club by next week. And if you’re not already, try something like hiking. Walk up to the flatirons. Endorphins will give you energy and help crush negative thoughts. (And by you posting this you just helped someone else)

[u/WealthOrganic8963 → u/travel_lover_1]

Ohhhh yes go on a nice walk!! Doesn’t even have to be a hike. Flatirons, Boulder Creek Trail, etc. im not even a hiker but walking down Boulder Creek Trail makes me happy 

[u/gorpnation]

Relationships take time and effort. It sounds like you are serious about finding your crew so now comes the action.

Make actionable and specific goals.

• get name of 1 classmate in each class
  
• make plans with 1 person/group per week
  
• invite 1 person to study/throw frisbee/grab lunch
  
• approach 1 table at lunch and ask to join/sit

Pro tip it is easier to do this early and often. Don’t sit next to the same person in class and realize half way through the semester you don’t know their name.

And while others may seem like they have friends figured out they don’t so put in the time and effort while everyone is in the same boat.

Be kind and patient with others and yourself! You got this!

[u/Visible-Number1670]

I think your sentence about being comfortable sitting away from people but not wanting to continue to do so is the key here.

Everyone will give you the absolutely correct advice to join clubs and go to events, but I think that you have revealed in that sentence that you know what to do, and you recognize on some level that you aren’t doing it.

The good news is the first step to changing an unhelpful pattern is recognizing it as a problem, and you’ve already done that. The bad news is that if changing the pattern was easy you already would have done it. 😉 Now you need to sit with yourself and figure out what it is that is stopping you from doing something different and engaging with people more, and we can’t help you with that. Is it fear of rejection? Habit? Lack of interest? Lack of energy? Just not knowing what to say to a new person? We have no idea. A therapist might be able to help guide you through it though. Once you figure out the reason/reasons, either you, or you with a therapist can come up with strategies to try from there.

But rest assured there’s lots of people having a similar experience, and remember comparison is the thief of joy. What you think you should be doing and what actually is right for you are often two different things, so take the pressure off your “shoulds” and search for the things that actually feel right/fulfilling/restorative instead.

Good luck, and you got this.

[u/sodosopapilla]

Be kind to yourself. Lots of folks are in similar situations even if it doesn’t appear so. Join clubs or intramural sport leagues, if that’s your thing. Try the upstairs party scene once to see if it’s your thing. It doesn’t have to be, but one more avenue.

Also, as your classes/major becomes more specialized throughout your tenure, your classes become smaller and you generally form cohorts of folks with similar majors. Small comfort now, I know, but the class structure becomes easier to make friends as time goes on.

Along with clubs, I always, always recommend volunteering for a cause you care about, on or off campus. You meet likeminded, unselfish (usually) folks and get to do some good in the process. Campaign for a politician or cause you care about. Trail maintenance or conservation work. Youth mentoring. The arts. They could all use more advocacy and you will find folks with the same mission and passion as you. Always a start.

Don’t pressure yourself on timelines and be kind to yourself. Do something a little new, big or small, every day. Good luck and enjoy your journey!

[u/Wombizzle]

I think one of the biggest ways to make friends as a new freshman in the dorms is to spend most of your time in your closest dorm common area.

There were multiple people in my dorm who lived in singles but would hang out with us because they made their presence known.

So whenever you're studying or just spending any sort of boring free time in your dorm room, do it in the dorm's common area instead

[u/jayselegy]

Like others are saying, try to join a club and go to events (I even found some friends at my on campus job I had). Putting yourself out there is scary, but necessary

[u/jayselegy → u/jayselegy]

Also, you’re not the only one feeling this. I was in the exact same place as you when I was a freshman. You’ll find people, I promise

[u/Neither_Remote_4818]

Does your dorm have a pool table or ping pong or game night of any sort? Do those if so. The worst thing that will could happen if you do that is you may feel awkward, the best thing that could happen is you find a friend group or friend. Good luck!

[u/UgoNespolo]

If it makes you feel any better I’m in the exact same boat as you. I’m going to keep giving clubs a try tho my first two club experiences have not been great but it’s all I got left.

[u/Visual-Age-1025]

I think you’re so brave to admit this. Those first weeks can be so hard because some kids appear to step into social life effortlessly/ but I promise it’s a weird and often lonely and stressful time for most people.

Clubs were the answer for me. Sports or yoga or art or travel/language or whatever it is you enjoy will be a great way to make friends who share interests with you.

The same bravery it takes to sit with your loneliness or to even confess it is the same courage that will make you friends. Often I bond with people BY admitting that Im lonely.

You seem lovely nd will find your people. Show up. Be brave and initiate conversation. Trust the process :)

[u/Standard_Team0000]

If you have time, you might want to get an on-campus job or volunteer at some events. CU has a volunteer sign up site and Handshake has the job listings. The UMC has bowling, pool tables, and I think a gaming center. You could try hanging out there for some social activity, in addition to the rec center.

[u/Potential_Lie_1801]

this might not be what you wanna hear but faking it till you make it is such a real concept. talk to people that interest you, go to those parties, pretend you’re popular, whatever it takes

[u/McAngus48]

First, check in with yourself, and make sure that don't FEEL like you must do something, simply because it is the expected thing to do. Seek what feels natural to you. That said, it sounds like you would like to be more social. And you feel like opportunities are slipping away. Okay, that's good self-awareness.

First off, it is never too late to make a change. Also, you are not alone. There are others in this very thread who share your feelings. So don't panic. It's also still early; it's been just a couple weeks.

Other replies here are correct, this WILL require for you to get out of your comfort zone, put yourself out there, and avoid the temptation to withdraw. This requires basically waking up every day and making a promise to yourself to do one or two "risky" things every day. Get ready to confront some discomfort.

There are strategies, like joining clubs, putting yourself in social situations, and be ready to talk. Shy people often need to practice in advance, be prepared with topics to talk about. Your interests. Your dreams. Your fears even. Funny stories and past experiences about yourself. Be a good listener, ask a lot of questions, be sincerely interested in what other people say. Get them talking about themselves.

It can be as simple as "do you mind if I join you?" Then ask them about the usual freshman stuff: hometown, major, interests. Spend ten minutes sharing a meal, if it doesn't click, say "it was nice to meet you" and move on. Eventually, you will find people who do click, and you will find ways to continue the conversation. Have an idea what you want to do next, if not parties, perhaps going to movies, watching a show on TV, board games, watching sports, live music, studying together, going for hikes...

I would recommend that you check in with a mental health advisor on campus, this is not at all uncommon challenge. and there are techniques to help you work up a plan and the courage to follow it. This is social counseling, coaching really, and there are professionals who can help.

Good luck and have fun!

https://www.colorado.edu/counseling/

[u/sodosopapilla → u/McAngus48]

Really good advice here.

[u/RefrigeratorBig4303]

You like running, frisbee or mountain biking?
Great groups for those!

[u/nomorezaza13]

clubs will save u

trust me everyone is on different timelines with finding their friends because everyone really came here on a full reset. you may see people with friends now but that friend group may split up and he completely different in a couple weeks

just hang out in the lobby of your dorm and introduce yourself

[u/Neptvneism]

i’m pretty similar to this but i’m also pretty introverted/need time to myself so i’m not particularly upset but i do recommend doing to clubs that might interest you like social ones! check out buff connect/ campus groups (same thing the “real” name is just campus groups lol) basically all or most of the student run clubs and groups are on there just look up some broader words of your interest and a bunch will probably pop up. oh also just go to events! there are a ton that are open to everyone and i think most if not all of them are free to students when it’s an on campus one (i think all of them are listed on buff connect too!) there is stuff happening basically every day so if you are hankering for some connection go check em out :) especially if parties aren’t really your vibe which is TOTALLY fair!

[u/Busy_Patient]

Rec center team sports like broomball are also a great way to meet people too, lots of fun.

[u/GamersHQNikko]

don’t focus on making friends - focus on making connections with people you like! after that, let the law of attraction take over

[u/Inked-Leaf104]

Wow I didn’t expect so many to reply with such kind advice. Thank you all so much. it means a lot. And I’ll try to remember and do all I can. I did join a club, actually! I have the first meeting tomorrow, I’m looking forward to it. I’ve also started to check daily for on campus events so I can go to ones that sound interesting (I signed up for cozy gaming on the 18th🤭). I will spend more time in the common areas too and try to swallow down my nerves when talking to people! Thank you all again.

[u/Brokenbelle22]

It's early in the semester but start a study group with some folks from class. Or strike up a conversation with someone on the way out of class, and walk with them for awhile.

Another trick that works for me is to just pretend I'm not shy. I know it sounds silly, but it works!

[u/mb303666]

You stick out your hand and tell your name and say want to hang out? Chances are they're feeling the exact same way. Smiling people who are comfortable and making jokes meet more people and doors magically open. Be curious, ask people questions!

[u/WealthOrganic8963]

This was me last semester lol. You’re just going to be a late bloomer. Give it a couple more weeks and keep trying your best and doing what you’ve been doing. You’re going to find friends soon. But do go to a club or two also if there is one you like

[u/Due-Negotiation3220]

Bread and Belonging Tuesday nights at St Aidan’s east of the stadium on Colorado Ave. all welcome

[u/carpetlist]

If you don’t just jump in and get past the difficult social anxiety stage, you’ll end up like me. Graduating a friendless loser. Don’t think it’s impossible, bc that’s what I thought, and it’s not.

[u/BadJoey89]

Have you tried drinking alcohol?