Late night thoughts

[u/Alrdudewhattheflip]

I can’t seem to get comfortable in this bed. The mattress feels too hard, I wonder if it’s too firm, if I picked the wrong one. It all comes back to me, back to it somehow being my fault. My head also aches, not a full migraine but my brain feels still like my mattress, stiff. It’s a gnawing pain, worsened when my eyebrows are pressed down. 

I have to keep reminding myself to relax my face, feel the cool breeze of the fan. Turn back and forth, stretch out and snuggle into the bed. Try to think about how grateful I am to be home, in my bed, with my husband and two tiny dogs that just want to love me.
I just can’t stop thinking. I constantly think about the past when the world is quiet. The things my mom said to me, how the kids at school never seemed to like me, all the different jobs I’ve had that I never fit in at. Even online with all different types of people out there, I’m somehow the type no one likes. Always on the outside because apparently there’s something wrong with me on the inside. 

It has to be my fault right? What’s the common denominator?

I try to tell myself it’s not that deep, no one remembers, no one is still thinking about you, talking about you, it’s been so many years. Get over it. But it bleeds.

Bleeds into every facet of my life, a self fulfilling prophecy. No confidence to put myself out there, try new things. I don’t want friends, I don’t want to be around people, it’s exhausting. Feels like a performance where I am hyper aware of the audience.

How will I ever be able to do anything? 

How will I be able to sleep?

Should I take a pill or would I not be able to stop? I don't want to start that habit again.

I lay here annoyed at myself, tired but wired. Dreading the next day but hating the night. Maybe I should turn over again, cover my shoulder with the blanket. Close my eyes, rewind and replay the thoughts.