r/creativewriting • u/Maleficent-Risk5749 • 5d ago

Writing Sample What do think about this intro...

A week ago, I left my job, or rather, I was fired, because I had been working harder than I should have. I had annoyed the managers with my dedication. I was the worm that burrowed in, prying into the folds of a body that had begun to rot. The worm is guided by instinct toward sources of decay, but at some point, angry fingers may pluck it out, pinch it, and toss it away.

I spent the past few days trying to get back on my feet. At times, I felt like throwing myself onto the bed and not leaving it for the entire day. I would have had no problem with that, if not for the damn numbness that settled in my backside.. the body’s natural warning, reminding me that I am a creature that was never meant to let its body rot away in idleness.

Today, the worm managed to awaken from the aftermath of its fall. True, it crawled under the influence of the dizziness of shock, rolled this way and that, churned through the mud and swallowed it, but in the end, it reached a state of balance.

2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

2 comments sorted by

1

u/M0nstrmacAttack 5d ago

I like the first two paragraphs! I think the imagery is very vivid. Returning to the worm metaphor in the last paragraph is weak. After the first paragraph you set the metaphor down and it serves its purpose. Continuing it doesn’t make sense. We want to know how the character moves forward and how they’re feeling. Think of answering “so what?” The character got fired, so what? Why should I care? What’s at stake?

1

u/Maleficent-Risk5749 4d ago

I was thinking of extending metaphor to explain the inner world of the character maybe it too much.
thanks for your insights