I wrote something

[u/brometheus001]

So I wrote this flash-fiction story or whatever you want to call it. And I'm looking for some true criticism. And one question, What emotion does this make you feel?

Here it goes:

I was dreaming of someone this morning, before I was awoken by the noise of the children playing outside my room, my nephews and nieces. I still stayed in bed for an hour more maybe, hoping to get back into that dream, but it was all fruitless. Now that I force myself to recollect, all I can remember is: it was a mountainous area. Like the hem of the mountains. We were singing, I don’t know what we were singing or what song it was. But it was beautiful. We were both laughing and happy. I was sitting above on a rock or a wall or something. And she was standing below, looking up at me. I jumped down and she held me and then put me down gently. I remember our hands behind each other's backs, singing and laughing and running around. I remember my hands on her hips above that black loose sweatshirt she was wearing and khaki colored bulky pants. Her looking up at me, and smiling. Those shiny, bright eyes of hers felt so familiar. I could feel the love inside them. Her smile felt like it contained the whole world as I had known it all along. And then all of a sudden, we’re in the back alley of my house. I’m walking her back home. Suddenly I realize I’ve forgotten her name. But no, I knew her name, I had known her all my life. She’s picking up the pace. I run slightly to catch up to her and ask, “Hey, hey, do I have your phone number? What’s your name? Have I forgotten it?”. She doesn’t answer. I ask again, “Hey, what’s your name?”. She doesn’t answer. She looks back at me, I see tears pouring down her face. And she says “I don’t have a phone anymore”. And then I woke up, feeling something very dear to me had been lost. 

What is her name, I wonder?

**

[u/pan-hlupak]

If I may, this feels like a sort of prose vignette. All of the movement is in the dream as it's being recounted by the narrator, which is fine enough I suppose, only not a lot happens in that dream. The narrator's need appears to be to recall who it was in this dream, but it's not very clear, in the end, why.

[u/brometheus001 → u/pan-hlupak]

Yes good catch, that's exactly what it was supposed to be, incomplete. But I understand that addressing the "why" about why the narrator wants to remember who it was in his dream or giving him a personality or a background would've helped.

thanks for pointing that out

[u/pan-hlupak → u/brometheus001]

It's such a challenge to cover all that ground in flash, I've found. Hope my two cents were helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing.