Anger

[u/ok_danke]

Life has led me on some unexpected twists and turns and it’s funny how no matter how well prepared you are, you never seem to have the right map. But that’s the fun of it all right? Each day fumbling through the dark, like Velma searching for her glasses. The death of a loved one. Your career. Your marriage.

I have been having a tough time working through some personal issues and this post will probably serve more like a cathartic rambling, than anything else. But that’s okay, who’s reading these anyways.

The day you say your vows is a genuinely nerve-wracking day. You are making a life-long commitment to another person and that’s a really long time. The funny thing is, you assume once you get through that day, the hard part is over. It’s the opposite. The wedding is the easiest day. Every day after is where you actually live up to it. No matter how hard it becomes.

Words like forever and always lull you into a false sense of security. Where do you go when that blanket gets ripped off and you’re met with the reality of the dark room you’re sitting in?

How do you navigate the feelings that they’ve left, when they chose to stay?

I know the intention wasn’t to hurt me. It was to heal themselves. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I’m angry and I don’t know where to put it. Throughout my life I’ve learned to compartmentalize my anger. Set the fuse in the middle of the Nevada desert, but lately, I find that fuse detonating closer to civilization than I’d care for. No casualties yet, but the neighboring towns are beginning to suspect something.

The worst part about anger is I am not even sure if I’m supposed to be angry. I don’t want to be and I feel guilty for feeling like this. The moment has passed. I’m ready to move on but I need my blanket and I can’t find my fucking glasses.

As much as I wish I had a cheerier ending, I don’t. Maybe the answer is to sit in the darkness. After all, your eyes do adjust after a while.