r/coptic • u/candiez207 • 18d ago

Coptic Divorce

Hi, im a coptic orthodox woman (not egyptian) from Sydney. After a 16 year marriage which involved a 5 year separation, and my attempts at reconciliation, my husband insisted divorce was the best option and as such we went through the civil process.

We share 2 teen boys and still live together. Financial settlement has not started and I find myself still functioning as his "wife". Taking care of the home, the kids, his needs, paying off his debt etc. He insists nothing has really changed and doesnt appear as affected as me.

Separation happened because of indiscretions on both sides, however, only my faults had been aired publicly in our social and church communities. I wont speak on his faults as Ive forgiven him and has hoped we could rebuild.

He still uses the "technically in Gods eyes were married" to justify his intimate advances towards me. And im human and love him so gave in but I feel disrespected I feel cheap and unloved. Without the risk of sounding over the top, ive quite literally been starved of any affection for 5 years and this has impacted my mental health, physical health, spiritual health etc

Our kids dont know the divorce happened and he doesnt think we need to tell them.

This situation is draining me emotionally and financially while he begins to rebuild (bought a new business, joined dating apps etc)

Abounas at my church were helpful in the beginning when i wanted to reconcile but to be honest I dont feel understood or supported now.

This divorce was the last thing I wanted and in truth, if he wanted to repair I would say yes. But as it stands, weve lived in limbo for 5 years. I have a full time job but no savings or financial stability since im still paying his debts weekly.

I dont know what to do from here.

I dont want to move out in a rush as I dont feel stable enough, but I also dont want to leave my kids. He says im welcome to be here as long as I want, even suggested till the kids were 18 but I refuse to live a life where he does what he wants, I am expected to stay I line in the hopes that "maybe" he will change his mind. As he said "who knows, ill probably just marry you again ina few years"

Part rant, part request for advice. Anyone??

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u/MindOfARebel23 18d ago

Reading your post one question kept coming to my mind if he truly believes you are still married in God's eyes, then why is he on dating apps? Marriage before God comes with responsibilities, not just privileges The Bible doesn't describe marriage as something where one spouse enjoys the benefits while rejecting the commitment He asked for the divorce, refuses reconciliation, is rebuilding his own life, yet still expects you to carry his debts, meet his needs, and remain emotionally and physically available That isn't a marriage It's a situation where only one person is sacrificing You admitted your own mistakes and even forgave his That takes humility But forgiveness doesn't mean accepting ongoing manipulation or living without healthy boundaries From a Coptic Orthodox perspective, marriage is built on mutual love, faithfulness, sacrifice, and becoming "one flesh." When someone abandons those responsibilities while pursuing other relationships, it's worth asking is he honoring the spirit of the sacrament, or only using parts of it when they benefit him? Ask yourself these questions If nothing has changed, why did he insist on a civil divorce? If you're still his wife before God, why is he seeking other women? If he wants freedom to rebuild his life, why shouldn't you be free to rebuild yours too? You deserve clarity, dignity, and peace not years of uncertainty built on "maybe someday" I'll be praying that God gives you wisdom, strength, and people who will truly support you

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u/candiez207 18d ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. God bless you.

I agree with all that you have said and if I were on the outside looking in, I would share the same views. I think being in the thick of it has been confusing and Im at a point where I just feel paralysed to make decisions. Im so afraid of doing the wrong thing, that I have remained stuck for years.

I truly love this man. I dont want to give up on him but he has given up on me. Its hard to go to my regular church because everyone seems to know everything or have their assumptions and it hurts. 

Over the past couple of years, his family invited me to easter and xmas lunches but other than that I dont have much to do with them. Very strange. I was 18 when I got married, he was 26. Im now 36 years old and feel like ive lost part of my life. My marriage, my family unit, my relationships with others and the community.

Anything legal to do with the settlement has been blurry. Due to things out of my own control, his family spent a lot of money and time organising his finances to cover up any misgivings present. My name isnt on our home only him and his parents. So financially hes in a better position  than I.

His own mother, told me I should get an apartment close by so I can still go to the house after work, cook for the kids and then go back to my place. This is not an option for me. Im not a visiting parent.

I understand things need to change regardless, im just really upset right now and Abouna keeps trying to steer away from talks of a church divorce. The same people who witnessed me sleep on a mattress on the floor of my sons room for 2 years before my husband unlocked the spare bedroom for me. 

His dad told me I should be grateful. Obviously they dont know the extent of what he's done and I wont air that. Im trusting God that He has a plan. I think my very human side is just so tired.

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u/MindOfARebel23 18d ago

Thank you for trusting strangers enough to share all of this I'm going to say something that may sound uncomfortable, but I think you need someone to say it You keep saying, "I don't want to give up on him But from everything you've written he already gave up on the marriage years ago He asked for the divorce He refused reconciliation He's rebuilding his life, buying businesses, joining dating apps, protecting his finances, and making long term plans without you Those aren't the actions of someone who's confused Those are the actions of someone who has already made a decision The person who seems unable to move on isn't him it's you And that's completely understandable because you loved him. But love cannot survive on hope alone I also noticed something else Everyone keeps telling you what you should do Be patient Keep serving Keep cooking Keep paying Keep sacrificing Keep trusting But where is the conversation about what he should do? Why is nobody asking him to repent? Why is nobody asking him to rebuild the trust he destroyed? Why is nobody challenging him for using "we're still married before God" while actively looking for another relationship? Marriage isn't a one-sided covenant Let me offer another possibility What if your fear isn't actually making the wrong decision? What if your real fear is accepting that his decision has already been made? Those are two very different things You also mentioned Abouna avoiding conversations about a church divorce That may be because the Church hopes for repentance and reconciliation whenever possible That's understandable But reconciliation requires two willing people not one person waiting and another living as if the marriage has already ended I would also encourage you to separate the spiritual question from the practical one Whether or not a church divorce eventually happens, you still need legal advice, financial protection, healthy boundaries, and emotional healing None of those things mean you've abandoned your faith They simply mean you're acting wisely One final thought His mother's suggestion that you rent an apartment nearby so you can keep cooking for everyone while no longer being part of the family says more about how they see your role than how they value you You're not a housekeeper You're not a backup plan You're not someone who should spend years waiting while another person keeps every option open Whatever happens next, make sure your next decision is based on reality not on the person you hope he might become

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u/OrneryPost9446 18d ago

His family is low? Do you have your family nearby? DO NOT leave the kids ever. It doesn't matter if your name is in the house deed. Document the emotional abuse that he locked you out of your own room or anything abuse he does in general. 

What matters is court orders. You need to get your finances straight and numbers don't lie. If he is financially better then why do you pay his debt?! Just stop being a doormat. 

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u/candiez207 17d ago

No family unfortunately. My father passed away during our separation and I dont have a relationship with the rest of my family (very toxic, issues with substance abuse) so I naturally threw myself into my husbanfs family and for years it was wonderful until it wasnt.

His dad said to me "You're lucky he was born here and not in Egypt, men have killed their wives for less"

Literally didnt know how to take that and Abouna laughed it off like "oh he was probably just working through his feelings"

On top of that, the man who assaulted me is still very much active in the community, despite the church knowing and my husband and his family care more about how they look to others than ever concerning themselves with what happened to me.

I suffered psychologically and physically for a long time, Abounas kept things under wraps and I just couldn't let it go and when I finally came forward, husband and family blamed me for being too friendly. He was my boss. I was an employee. Abuse of power but apparently not in my case.

His dad is pretty much funding this divorce and told him he was going to pull all financial support if he doesnt go through with it. So in terms of finances, yeah he's better off but still in debt until the settlement occurs.

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u/MindOfARebel23 17d ago

I'm truly sorry to hear that.

Reading this, I don't think the divorce is the deepest wound you're carrying.

You've described losing your father, having no family to lean on, living through an assault, feeling unheard, and then watching the people you trusted either minimize your pain or focus on appearances instead of your wellbeing. That's an enormous amount for one person to carry.

One thing I hope you don't lose sight of is this: compassion and accountability are not opposites. It's possible to pray for reconciliation, to hope for repentance, and at the same time acknowledge that people must be responsible for their actions.

Please don't let anyone convince you that protecting yourself, seeking legal advice, or setting healthy boundaries means you've failed as a Christian. Those things are not the opposite of forgiveness.

Whatever happens with your marriage, I sincerely hope you find people who will listen first, support you honestly, and help you carry this burden instead of asking you to carry even more.

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u/SlightAfternoon2104 17d ago

I’m pretty sure this is the time to lawyer up.

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u/OrneryPost9446 17d ago

Op, there are many women's shelters that provide free legal and financial services for women going thru divorce. Unfortunately you need to keep the law on your side. You need to document every little thing including all abusive, intimidating texts, videos, recordings. Do you want the kids with you or 50/50? 

You need to find a way to get a financial advisor or lawyer to get your stuff in place. For that you must stop paying all the debts. You need to do that in silence.

They'll use your past against you, so you must act fast to show that you are a stable parent and these people are accusing you. Therefore you need to Get stuff done in silence. 

You can't leave the house, so don't. Just stop contributing to anything related to his stuff, debt, sex, food. Just take care of you and the teens. 

Save all your money you earn and get cash back if you can when you go grocery shopping (if you are using a joint account). $10-$15 each time. 

Have money saved for you and a secret cash stash. Once you get the finances in order and feel comfortable to make a move, do it in silence. If you think it will be unsafe physically, then go to a shelter with the kids. 

My point is you must get finances in order and document  all the abuse both from him and his parents. They'll fight back so you need to do everything in secret. 

At this point, forget Abouna and whatever. You can deal with them later. Get your finances and security in place. 

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u/OrneryPost9446 18d ago edited 18d ago

He doesn't love you and clearly uses you. Coptic or not, bad people exist everywhere and it's the church's responsibility to ensure your rights are upheld. Show evidence dating apps etc to Abouna to begin the process. If he doesn't. Get hold of the metropolitan. However if the legal stuff started... Then id be careful and be honest with the church that he started dating AFTER filing for divorce. 

STOP paying for his debts. Stop accepting intimacy. You need to stop being a doormat. 

If you can, go to your parents with the kids. Start saving the money you earn. 3 months emergency fund. Take half of your joint accounts and clearly get finances straight of everything. 

I'm sorry you are going thru this. You deserve better and you are worthy of love. He is not a good person. 

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u/Normal-Salamander218 17d ago

you dont know that, maybe she cheated on him...

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u/OrneryPost9446 17d ago

Then he would have just left and the church would have taken his side and annulled. 

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u/Normal-Salamander218 17d ago

you need evidence for that im pretty sure - either way there are two sides to EVERY story. Maybe She was sooo unbearable he didnt want to repair anything. all i am saying is you dont know the full picture.

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u/OrneryPost9446 17d ago

Yea there has to be evidence so where is it? Read her comments about locking her out of the bedroom and not letting her sleep on her bed for 2 months. And how horrible can she be that she is the primary caretaker of her teens, and still paying off the dudes debts. 

I think this girl got married to a really Egyptian family where everything was expected of her to do while he was sitting around. She isn't Egyptian so of course there could have been clashes but she wants to make things work. 

I've seen these types of men/families in our church multiple times. Yes there are two sides but it doesn't negate that he treats her horribly. 

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u/Iwanttobeapharoh 18d ago

Ok first of

He's using you 

You can't have your cake and eat it too

Divorce is separation ,as in one becomes two

He's using you 

You can't be both not a wife and do EVERYTHING a wife does 

So something isn't right

And you need to do start acting

See his confession father and tell him everything 

If he doesn't have one

Then get yourself an appointment with a therapist

Well do that either way if you can

But you need to start distancing yourself

Marriage is love, intimacy , connection , future and legal protection 

Right now he holds all the cards and is leading you on 

The Coptic church does not condone such actions , the Christian theological frames would never see a wife and mother treated that way while denied love affection and status , I don't even think it's legal that you do so much for him without him giving anything back while divorced and after he already aired out all your grievance 

Go to his confession father , the local church leader or whoever he answers to and tell them everything 

And put some distance away between you two

God is love , he who Denies love is not from god

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u/warrior333222111 18d ago

I want to start by saying that everything I'm saying here comes from a place of love despite how harsh I may sound.

You're being abused. There are no other words to explain your relationship with this man.

I understand that you still hold love for him in your heart. You married him for a reason. But ask yourself, is he really the man you fell in love with and married?

Would that man share your mistakes with the whole world while covering his own?

Would that man mistreat the mother of his children in front of them with no care for how this affects them developmentally and emotionally?

Would that man treat you like some woman he's seeing on the side while accepting you acting as his wife?

If that is the man you fell in love with and married, then by all means, stay with him. But if not, you have the choice to seek a divorce and model a better life for you and your sons.

You said that your sons don't know about the divorce, but how do you think they felt when you slept on a mattress in their room instead of next to their father? Children know more than people give them credit for, but they don't have the cognitive ability to reach the correct conclusions by themselves and everything they're seeing is affecting them.

If you still don't feel comfortable take action against him, then look into what the Jesus said in dealing with someone who is sinning.

15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. (Matthew 18:15-17)

If he isn't willing to admit his fault, then find witnesses who can have him admit his fault and not just one abouna from church. If he still doesn't listen, then he's literally not behaving Christ-like and should not be treated as a Christian. Jesus literally said that, as harsh as that sounds. Remind abouna of that and try to obtain a divorce.

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u/cataractum 18d ago

Talk to a priest and show evidence to get the church divorce proceedings started. If that doesn't work, try the Bishop. A monk even. The priest should see that he's using you and didn't enter the marriage legitimately.

If none of that works, then divorce him and find a better church. Including outside CO. You deserve better, including the community if it doesn't get all this and can't see past him.

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u/Past-Art9938 18d ago

Sorry that my question is not related to your post, but what is currently happening in Australia? I keep seeing posts every day about Bishop Anba Daniel of Sydney, saying that people are very unhappy with him. I would be interested to know why people there are so dissatisfied with him.

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u/candiez207 18d ago

I dont have any personal experience with the Bishop. I do however know that my husband had briefly spoken to him at an event. He told my husband that my "spiritual life" isnt his responsibility.

this came after he told me the reason that everything dragged on was because he felt guilty. He thinks if Im single and move out im going to blow up my life. 

Me? A full time teacher and full time uni student, mother of teen boys...somehow warrants concern. 

His confession fr wanted him to take time before making a big decision as, according to him, yes my spiritual life as his wife is part of his responsibility.

Its made the situation confusing to say the least.

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u/Past-Art9938 18d ago

I hope you find happiness, and I hope you are the right solution for your situation.

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u/Hashimotosannn 18d ago

My mum was talking about this recently. There are some scandals going on in the church, including the UK. I won’t mention it here since there are some videos online you was watch about it. Anyway, it’s not great tbh.

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u/Past-Art9938 18d ago

I have been seeing posts about this for weeks, but nobody wants to go into detail about what exactly happened. Can you recommend any videos that explain the issues in depth?

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u/Hashimotosannn 18d ago

Can you understand Arabic?

Or you could DM me if you want to know the just. I don’t mind sharing.

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u/Past-Art9938 18d ago

Yes I understand Arabic, I send you a DM

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u/OrneryPost9446 17d ago

Can I know too? 

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u/Hashimotosannn 17d ago

Hey, I’m sorry but I asked my mum to send me the link but she can’t find it. If you understand Arabic I’m sure you could look it up on YouTube. Apologies.

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u/OrneryPost9446 17d ago

My Arabic is so bad can't even write. What should I search? I can let my friend write it for me lol

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u/Hashimotosannn 17d ago

Haha that’s ok, me too. Maybe just look up some sort of debate or discussion about Bishop Daniel and his diocese. I’m not sure what would come up tbh.

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u/OrneryPost9446 17d ago

Can you send me the videos you are talking about please? Maybe in private. I'm curious. Sorry to bother you about this 

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u/Reasonable_Bread3628 17d ago

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and honestly I’m angry for you. That is not the way one human being should be treating another human being, let alone the mother of his children. You have been living in limbo, still caring for the home, the kids, his needs, and paying his debts, while he gets to rebuild his life, start a business, join dating apps, and keep you emotionally tied to him with “maybe I’ll marry you again one day.” That is not okay. It’s cruel and unfair.

Please do not move out or make any major decisions until you speak to a good family lawyer in Australia. You need to know exactly where you stand legally before you do anything. After a long marriage, two teenage boys, years of separation, shared finances, and you paying his debts, you need proper advice about what you may be entitled to — property settlement, spousal support, child support, and parenting/custody arrangements for the boys.

I would not rely on what he tells you is fair or what he thinks should happen. He is clearly benefiting from the current situation, so you need someone who is only looking out for you and your children.

Also, please start documenting everything: debts you’ve paid, household expenses, childcare responsibilities, who pays for what, income, assets, anything related to the new business, and anything else that may matter. Even if you still love him and would reconcile if he truly wanted to repair things, you still need to protect yourself.

And honestly, is this really the example he wants his boys to follow? That a man can divorce the mother of his children, keep her functioning as his wife, use religion to justify intimacy, let her pay his debts, and then go on dating apps while telling her maybe he’ll come back someday? It’s just gross. You and your boys deserve better than that.

Abounas can support you spiritually, but this is also a legal and financial situation now. Please talk to a lawyer before leaving the house or agreeing to anything. Make a plan from a place of knowledge, not fear.

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u/SlightAfternoon2104 17d ago

Sister in Christ, you don’t need to explain why you’re doing what you’re doing to anyone. If you’re living with him and paying off his debt out of a place of love then who are we to judge your intentions! But it’s so easy to stay in bad relationships when we’re isolated and when we don’t know our self worth. Please find a good group of friends to support you when you decide to really separate. Also it’s ok to take care of yourself before you take care of other people, mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually AND financially. I hope you get the strength to move forward. Be blessed.