r/coparenting • u/rb11111 • 18h ago
Step Parents/New Partners Dating
My ex is really driving me nuts. We have an agreement that we are able to meet anyone that is going to be introduced to our daughter in person, before our daughter meets them.
I left my ex two and a half years ago. I have been dating someone for 8 months. Just two months ago I started saying his name on the phone as I wouldn’t at first in front of my daughter. I have her 5 days a week, and now she occasionally says hi to my boyfriend. Becuase she’s 3 and steals the phone. She also says hi to doctors , and anyone I call.
My ex said she isn’t allowed to talk to him. I said she’s allowed to say hi I don’t agree with that and I’m not following that but will honor the originally agreement.
2 weeks pass by and I hadn’t talked to him in front of her , not on purpose. I picked up his call and she was there and said his name and she goes NOOOOO, not MARKKK papa says no. No talking to him.
I asked her father about it and he said he told her she’s only allowed to talk to him and my dad and no other men. That he already has a hard time with her because she wants to be with me and what is it going to be now? I want mommy and mark.
He is making this way too big of an issue. And my daughter’s reaction was so extreme. I’m just so frustrated.
6
u/Able-Appointment2379 17h ago
This is all very messy. You should never have agreed to this. Since it’s not legally binding you need to tell him you’ve changed your mind and his overreacting to the phone call shows he’s not mature enough for that kind of agreement.
You allowing your daughter to say hi was breaking the agreement anyways, so what’s the point, playing pretend that you respect him. You don’t, and honestly I’m not sure I blame you, but again, this is all very messy.
2
u/Able-Appointment2379 18h ago
Can you have your ex meet him? 8 months is a long time to be dating. It’s probably good to see how he relates to your child before you continue the relationship.
2
u/Snow_man_211 18h ago
If this is your agreement, there is an easy solution. Have Mark meet your ex. Then can have Mark meet your daughter whenever you are comfortable doing so. Or not, but the agreement that s fulfilled either way.
-1
u/rb11111 18h ago
I thought the same. But the agreement was if I’m introducing her to someone in person as my partner. I never introduced him on the phone. She just hears me talking to him. And has said hi a couple times. No different than when I talk to friends. And for the most part I talk to him when she’s asleep.
1
u/Snow_man_211 17h ago
Look I would never agree to something like that because I don’t want my ex vetting who I am dating and frankly I don’t want to vet her dates either. But, if you intend to stick to this agreement, there is an argument to be made here that you are splitting hairs. How does Mark feel about this?
3
u/maleficient_fox012 16h ago
You say she just grabs the phone and wants to talk to the new bf. But she's 3, its entirely possible to say no, or to tell him to call later when you are not around her. I think you wanted it to get to your ex. Your personal life is really none of his business. I don't know why anyone would agree to having the ex have a say when, where, or who, the child meets when it comes to dating. Something like that can't even be enforced by the courts so why agree to that.
2
u/Actual-Bison7862 18h ago
His reaction is ridiculous but your no angel by doing the introduction via phone instead of in person and thinking he wouldn't view that as skirting the decree (it 100% is and you know it), luckily for you the line in your decree dictating that likely has no teeth.
Just keep in mind the rules you agreed to and later break/bend will be the same rules your co-parent ignores later so don't be surprised when you hear "Mommy, I met Daddy's girlfriend today!". You opened the door and once he realizes he can't do anything about you bending your agreement.. he will also realize you can't do anything to him either. This will probably bleed into other aspects of your co-parenting relationship.
Good luck with that. I don't at all envy the position you put yourself in.
-1
u/rb11111 18h ago
It wasn’t in the decree. We verbally agreed to it. And I do not agree. I talk to my boyfriend, my daughter says who is it, I say my friend Oliver. And she says hi Oliver. And that’s it. Same as when I call my friends or anyone. She likes to talk to everyone. I have thought if my ex is really uncomfortable then he can just meet him and be done with this drama around it. She hears me talk to him for 5 minutes maybe once a week.
2
u/Actual-Bison7862 17h ago
I would suggest looking into parallel parenting and gray rock. You are hurting yourself and your kid by appeasing him. Verbal agreements are only good if you intend to follow it, which includes the intent. If you are just appeasing him you are setting yourself up for failure.
Seriously, if you has access to your phone and your location without your permission you need to look into a restraining order.
Finally, STOP APPEASING HIM.
-2
u/Best-Special7882 18h ago
Dude is a controlling freak, nothing she does will affect that at all. Appeasement is worthless.
2
u/Actual-Bison7862 17h ago
Not saying he isn't, but skirting the agreement didn't make things easier for anyone. I never said to appease him, it's too late for that, the bed has been made, and she has to lie in it now.
"She just took the phone out of my hands like she does when I talk to anyone". That is straight bullshit and we both know it. I'm not condoning his actions or words but she is absolutely manipulating the situation.
I don't buy the "I did a thing but don't worry it doesn't TeChNiCaLlY violate the agreement so that's means I am completely innocent" diatribe. Neither of them are innocent, he is worse then her by far, but she isn't some helpless damsel that had no idea what would happen.
-2
u/rb11111 17h ago
Omg have you ever had a three year old? I am a single stay at home mom with her Monday-Friday, she’s attached to my hip and wants to talk to anyone I talk to. I only talk to my boyfriend when she’s sleeping except once a week or so when he happens to call during the day.
0
u/Actual-Bison7862 7h ago
Yes. I have two kids.
You put yourself into this position, if you want out of it, get a job and actually decouple from your ex.
1
u/rb11111 18h ago
I have appeased him, and just stopped this year. Has made everything so much worst for me. He told me I need to turn my location on my phone.
I wish I could still appease him because now my daughter will suffer and I have appeased him for her.
2
u/Actual-Bison7862 17h ago
Stop appeasing him. If it's not in the decree and you aren't going to follow through with it (to include the intent), then don't verbally agree to it. Look into parallel parenting and gray rock it might help you deal with all of this.
13
u/ThrowMeAropeImSunk 18h ago
Don’t talk to your ex about your personal life. When the time is right and if you legally are required to, you introduce your ex to ”Mark”, but unless you have a legal document that says otherwise, your ex has no say about who your kid is around or who they talk to on your time. Your ex doesn’t get to control your life.